An Adventure – The First Naked Bar Dance

Today’s Music: Violent Femmes – Blister in the Sun

*Disclaimer – The story below is as true as I remember it. But I was pretty drunk at the time.

It looks so innocent...

This story takes place probably during my third or fourth year of college. Definitely not my fifth.
So I’m in this bar (as I often was). On a Sunday afternoon (when I often was).
Me and the bartender (whose name I just realize I have completely forgotten) are hanging out. I’m drinking up the last of the money I had, but that’s ok. I spent a lot of time in this bar, and really never wanted for a drink. When I was ahead, I spent it all, when I was behind, they covered me.

So Bartender and I are just shooting the breeze. It’s a beautiful spring day, so no one is around.Just the two of us. There might have been some card playing, but I don’t recall…

In walk Jimmy and the boys, back from a day at the pitch and putt. They’re laughing and telling stories, ragging on each others golfing as they settle in at the bar.

Jimmy pulls out a small wad of cash. “Aright fellas, what are you having?” Everyone calls out their drink orders.
Jimmy turns to me.
“Sorry Jimmy, I’m tapped”
“That wasn’t the question, Guap. What’ll you have?”
See what I mean? It was that kind of bar. So I get another beer.
This goes on for several rounds. We’re telling stories, throwing darts, and I’m close to hammered by the middle of the afternoon.
So Jimmy calls out for another round. The Terror declines a beer, says “Give me a Jameson. I can drink that smoother than anything else.”
(There? Did you see that? That was my cue.)
“Hah”, I call out. “I can drink that smoother than you”
The Terror gives me the once over, sees that I’m drunk. We’d been hanging out a long time.
“If I drink this smoother than you” he says, “What do I win?”
At this point, I should have shut up. But I’m me. So I didn’t.
I stand next to him at the corner of the bar, thinking a moment.
“If you drink that smoother than me, I will dance naked…” – open my hand and slap the bar top…”On”…slap..”this”…slap…”BAR!!!”

Bartender pulls another round, sets up a filled rocks glass of Jameson for The Terror, sets up a full rocks glass of Jameson for me.
(For the record, there was nothing smart about this. Having once sucked down half a fifth of Jack Daniels once, I never developed a like for Whiskey. More of a tequila man, me…)

Everyone watches as The Terror downs his shot. Smooth.
All eyes turn to me as I down my shot. Smooth.
“I don’t know, Guap”, chimes in one of the guys.”I think Terror was smoother”
“What?!?” I shoot back, surprised. Considering I was drunk enough where balance was now an issue, I thought I downed it pretty well. One quick shot, no spillage, no dribbling. (I don’t have to like a liquor to give it respect. I’m classy that way.)
Nods and murmurs of agreement form the guys. They thought John was smoother.
But I’m a man of my word.”CLEAR THE BAR!!!” I shout as my battle cry.
Everyones eyes fly all the way open in surprise as I start getting out of my shirt.
“Guap”, says The Terror, “You don’t have to do this.”
CLEAR THE BAR!!!” as I take off my boat shoes.
“Dude” says Jimmy, “you really don’t have to do this”.
“He’s doing it fellas. Move your drinks!”

I looked better than this...

The bar at this place was a long U – twenty feet along the length, two five foot sections at the ends. I was at the corner of the bottom (furthest from the door) of the bar.
They cleared the bar.
I hopped up in the altogether and started to dance my naked self down towards the front.
Now above the bar was a lowered section of roof. I’m about six feet tall, and I had about 4 feet of room, so I was hunched over. Remember that. It will be important in a minute.
So I’m dancing down the bar, hunched over, knees wide for balance and because there is really no way to keep them in.
The guys are laughing themselves silly, and I’m trying to see and not fall over.
I make it to the end of the bar, down the return and turn around.

So now you have a pretty good idea of the scene. Me, naked, dancing on top of the bar, knees wide for balance, turning back around.
What you don’t know, because I haven’t mentioned it yet, is the girl. Sitting in the corner of the bar. Right where I’m starting to turning around.
She is sitting there, head turned away, hand over her face.
She picks that moment to look up to see if it’s safe.
As I’m halfway through my turn.Knees spread. Right. In front. Of her.
Fortunately, I’m already bent over, so I don’t have to yell as i slur “I’m sorry, I lost a bet”.
She “Eeps” and hides her face again.

...but probably not as good as this.

I stumble back down the bar, and get off, to the cheers and applause of the guys. Who hid my clothes.
they left behind my boat shoes and belt. So I put those on, hung a couple of strategic napkins from the belt and ordered another beer.
Jimmy couldn’t stop laughing, but managed to sputter out that we all hadn’t eaten in a while, and we should all take a walk up to Dunkin Donuts to get some food.
I was halfway out the door before they pulled me back.

It was a good day. But not the last time I was naked in a bar…

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126 responses to “An Adventure – The First Naked Bar Dance

  1. I’ve danced naked and I’ve danced on a bar, but I’ve never danced naked on a bar. Great story!

    • I have several dance naked on bar stories and one naked bar slide, Sandylikeabeach.
      I probably shouldn’t be so impressed with myself for that…

  2. That’s Awesome!! Great story…sort of a Coyote Ugly gone horribly awry! And you’re a guy…so, yeah.

  3. You’re one up on me, haven’t done that….yet.

  4. Oh.My.GAWD- enough already with the Pete Rose in his underwear pic. Now the next time I see him signing autographs at the Grocery store, I will only see this vision. Thanks H.E. and Mr. El Guapo- thanks ALOT.

    • I don’t think that will be a problem, GingerSnaap. Until Pete sees you laughing, thinks it was because of something he said, goes to put the moves on you and you laugh even harder…

  5. So I take it there will be a series of naked stories then? I’m assuming they all involve alcohol. Otherwise, I will begin to question your good character. Said the girl with ‘tits’ in her handle.

    But I’ve never danced naked in a bar and don’t expect that it will ever happen from this point forward.


  6. LOL!! Great story….and you tell it very well. Interesting story to start my Monday morning. I love the part where you slap your hand on the bar….I’m pretty sure it’s universal….when someone slaps a bar…something interesting is about to happen! : )

    • I have hundreds of Slapped Bar stories from that place, Alex…literally, it was my home for about seven years…
      Glad you liked it. I don’t mind being the joke, as long as it’s funny and there’s no malice involved…

  7. WHY?? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO INCLUDE THAT PIC?? SEEING A HALF NAKED PETE ROSE TWICE IN ONE LIFETIME IS TOO MUCH!!! That is the first time in my life I’ve ever strung those words together in that order.

  8. Awesome tale! You’re braver than The Hook, I’ll admit that!

  9. Guapo…Guapo…and here I thought you were innocently sweet…hhhhmmm…
    That was actually hilarious and someone smoother than you? Noooo way!

    • Lots of people think that about me, whiteladyinthehood.
      It’s how I managed to get away with most of my shenanigans…

      Like the new pic. Nice boots! They look a little like mine.

  10. Jameson’s is a great leveller….

  11. Since I’m an anti-social nerd, you’ve only reinforced my dislike and fear of bars. But it was a great story to read from the comfort of my own home.

    • You could build a bar in the basement and practice until you’re ready for your debut, Carrie!
      And don’t fear the bars – fear the idiots like me in them. Though it really was all in fun…

  12. Now that’s a story worth telling! A thing like that requires the perfect alignment of colossal guts and impaired judgement up the yin yang to come together at just the right moment. You should have ended up marrying the poor girl at the end of the bar. Think what it would have added to the story!

  13. I’m thinking of an Elvis Costello song. Can you guess what it is?

    Correct, Let Him Dangle.

  14. :cry: (as in I laughed until I cried – just in case the emoticon wants to be a jerk face and not transform) Have I mentioned that you are the Dude of the Month yet? Oh yeah I did well I take it back….You Guapo are The Dude – forEVER. I wish I had gone to college with you! We probably woulda got into trouble with the shenanigans cause I am always game for one on a bet or bar too! I like whiskey – Irish. and Tequila – ug that’s a good story NOT…..Hahahahahaha you have a way of telling these stories so that we the readers – and I am just going to go ahead and speak for us all – cause I got it like that if I want – are transported to the location and witnessing first hand that of which you speak! Thank you for a wonderful Monday morning start – no don’t look at the time… I saw it in my mailbox but had some work to finish first so the anticipation was cool then the delivery – Stellar!!! Guffaw..chortle snort (I sometimes snort when I laugh) LMAO coolness You ROCK the Drunk Naked Bar Dance. The DUDE abides!!!!
    (um yea tho the Pete Rose pic a little scary but its all good. ) :-) Peace.

  15. and sorry that emoticon SUCKS I must have been thinking of one from email or something…..:-D

    • Thanks, lizziecracked. I got yardage off these antics for a few years after I stopped going there – hearing the stories referred to in other places.
      I get the feeling if we hung out, they’d still be telling the stories.
      And there would be several police jurisdictions we would just not be welcome in…

      And sorry about the Pete Rose pic. I’m starting to think there’s no excuse at all for that…

  16. Hi,
    That was hilarious, Good One.
    However I do feel sorry for the girl that was at the end of the bar. :D

  17. Haha! This brought back college memories. Not that I ever danced naked, but I think we all know bars like this! And I have friends like you. Enough said ;-)

  18. Great job of telling this crazy story, but I feel left out as I have never seen anyone naked in a bar … let alone dancing naked anywhere in public.

  19. Hey! That pic reminds me of Cap’n Firepants. I won’t tell you which one…
    Great story. Crappy friends!

  20. haha! def not your fifth. i know exactly what you mean. college is so awesome you’ve gotta stay longer if you can! and you’re one of many who have been naked in a bar. a job well done to you, sir. :)

  21. Pingback: My Bucket List « Kayjai's Blog

  22. That was a great story! You told it so well! The scene was completely set! Loved it. You’re so brave. I’m reading this on an airplane. From the pictures on this post, I think the person next to me thinks I’m reading some bizarre porno.

  23. Sounds like a freakin’ blast. Woo hoo!
    Trying to think of any similar stories, but they’re lost in the fuzz of drunken memory loss. Gotta love dares. Dares have caused me a broken nose, shots of Everclear, and the list goes on, but again drunken memory loss fuzz. Keep ‘em comin’.

  24. I made $20 one night dancing on a bar *ahem*

    Great story. Did you get her number?

    • Actually, never saw her before or since. But since I tempted my wife to come on our first date by promising to tell her the story, it all worked out in the end…

  25. I don’t think I would have been able to get out of bed the next morning haha
    It’s good to have stories and experiences like that to remember at an older age lol

  26. omg, that was you on the bar that night!!!!!

  27. I laughed throughout this entire story! :D Loved it!

  28. great story…told with great panache. once downed an entire beer glass of pernod on a bar bet. immediately destroyed myself – and some guys cab goin’ home. you da best. continue…

    • A glass of Pernod?!? I believe you have just found my limit, barkinginthedark. And I’ve put away 3/4 of a bottle of tequila in a sitting.
      Yeah, there are a few cabs I’ve marked as my territory…

  29. pix or didn’t happen.

  30. YOU DID THIS??? I just lost my drink. That’s fantastic. Cheers!

  31. Dude!! WTF? That’s quite a story.

    I was wondering why you took off your sneakers but then you put on your boat shoes. Also, bar napkins are usually pretty small. Did the couple you placed strategically do an adequate job?

    I’m glad that knowing about your drunken naked dancing episode(s) didn’t scare off TMWGITU. You’re lucky to have her.

  32. Guap that was fucking hysterical. The imagery was dead on. Am still giggling. As an eight year Burning Man attendee I’ve seen, and done, it all. Describing a scene like yours takes a fine writer, I bow to your art.
    By the way, don’t think I’ve mentioned this but your taste in music is killer.

  33. Wear a button on my band uniform (The Burning Man Marching Band) that reads ‘Bill W. Is Not My Friend’

  34. Well told! And the Violent Femmes always go down well :) I’m the opposite to you, due to an unfortunate incident with tequila when I wasn’t yet old enough to know better… I get the heeby jeebies just thinking about it (BIG SHUDDER). Whiskey on the hand… all good!

    • Whiskey was responsible for a barely remembered trip to Greenwich Village on Halloween in high school, Kanerva
      And most of the bits I do recall were filled in by my friends after the fact…

  35. EG: LOVE the Halloween Parade in Greenwich Village! Ah, those days of yore living in NYC during the 80′s. As with yourself, I found out a lot of things from friends during conversations …during the following days and weeks..

    • Funny how it goes sometimes, Miss B.
      On the bright side, though I sadly (ok, maybe not too sadly) don’t talk to a lot of those people anymore, I never did piss off (or run for office) for any of them to share those things in a way that ever came back to haunt me.

      They know who they are…and what I’m talking about…

  36. Bless our old friends for their secret-keeping abilities.May also explain why our names have never appeared on ballots. Oh the lists we’re probably on!
    Come to think of it.. makes me kinda proud; the Lists I mean, not so much the behavior -grin-

  37. ROFL! Please tell me she did not ask you out for a date….

  38. One of my favorite pieces El Guapo. Wow. There IS more to look forward to ;)

  39. Clown porn!! Huzzah!!

  40. Oh crap, so I just searched “clown porn” to see if your blog came up, and a got a whole lotta scary clown porn, but no blog. I tried “naked clown porn” and I still didn’t find your blog. Instead, I found more ingredients for nightmares. Ima stop searching now…

    • Oh…Gee…That’s terrible…
      And I really don’t want to know what you did find! ;)
      I may actually have to read one of the SEO spamments to see how to get that clown porn ranking higher, Lyssapants!

  41. What.a.gem! Love this story! Too funny and so were Hotspur’s comments. Just so you know, I think you’ve got me beat. I’ve never danced naked on a bar, not even once. I’ve danced on tables with clothes on though and have done the dirty in public places but I think your naked bar antics top me.

  42. I love it when individuals get together and share ideas.
    Great site, keep it up!

  43. Thanks for the link/ That was a funny read. Your TMI but I’m glad you did. You were wearing boat shoes even back then. The comments were funny to read as well.

  44. Pingback: A Very Foolish Birthday! « OhMyGawd, Just Do What I Say!

  45. I don’t know why I haven’t followed you yet… it’s like I thought I was… no excuses… I fixed my problem.

  46. Oh I don’t know how I missed this post. Brilliant images, I can hear your words slurring, see the group of guys. Your storytelling at its best, Guap!

  47. Pingback: An Adventure – The Naked Snow Angels | Guapola

  48. The visual is awesome!! We need to be friends!!

  49. It is probably best for the United States of America, that we didn’t go to college together. Seriously.

    • Ha! I get the feeling we’d have found a whole mess of other like-minded lunatics and founded our own country.
      And then scared the hell out of whoever was in charge of it.

  50. Hahaha…Best story ever…All the crazy things we do in college. But I guess these are the moments we’ll always remember. (and maybe NOT tell our grand kids about)

    Anyways Great post…! :)


  52. Pingback: An Adventure: The Naked Bar Slide | Guapola

  53. Pingback: Feature Friday: Guapola | Stuphblog

  54. *giggling like mad* OMG. Yes. Just yes. Laughed so much at the visuals. Even your dunkin donuts hanging over the bar.

    I, too, have lost a bet at a bar. The consequence was bad enough that I can’t even say it in this comment section. But let’s just say, I’m good for paying up lost bets.

    I’m so glad TD hosted you on his feature Friday! I’m in blog love, sir!!

    • Why thank you, and it’s nice to meet you.

      I hope your lost bar bet also happened in the pre-internet age.
      I’m just glad I got this out of my system before we were all so connected.

      • YES. Thank heavens!! Way before all this internet craziness. In fact, I couldn’t be more grateful my 20′s happened before iphones. It’s probably my saving grace. Lord only knows what would be on YouTube.

Ahem *best Ricky Ricardo voice* Babble-OOOoooo!!!

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