An Adventure – The Naked Snow Angels


Today’s Music: The Fratellis – Look Out Sunshine

Note – Happy holidays to every last one of you. If we were hanging out enjoying each others company, when the topic sung around to white christmases, this is probably the story I’d tell.
So consider this a holiday laugh gift, and I hope you enjoy it!

*Disclaimer – The story below is as true as I remember it. But I was pretty drunk at the time.

So I’m in this bar.
It’s snowing like hell outside, a fresh layer of several inches on top of the inches already on the ground, for this particularly cold, white winter.
It’s me and Pat, the owner/bartender. We’re drinking pints and shots, trading stories, telling lies about the women (this was before TMWGITU).

They're keeping themselves covered to avoid seeing what's coming...

They’re keeping themselves covered to avoid seeing what’s coming…


By about 0030, we’re the only ones there, not even any stragglers wandering in, and the snow just keeps on falling.
“Want to walk down to Tracey and Don’s place?” asks Pat.
I think to myself. The snow is falling hard, but the wind is minimal. It’s a half a mile, about a ten or fifteen minute walk. I still have most of a pack of cigarettes.
“Sure, why not.” I answer, and down the road we head.

We get there. Tracey and Don are behind the bar, about two or three people in the bar, none of whom I know. They know me though.
“Guapo? Guapo…hey! You did those naked bar dances here! It’s great to meet you, man! I’ve heard those stories!”
Another of the patrons is a brunette girl, about 5’11”, college age. Not hammered, but she is definitely not on her first drink.
So Pat and I sit back, start talking with Tracey and Don, who, it turns out, have never heard the first naked bar dance story (I know, right?).
So, with the lure and softening of multiple free shots of Jaegermeister, I launch into a very animated retelling.
It’s a great story, and the group is laughing (with me) as I finish.
Tracey pours another round and says “I’ve never seen anything like that”.
“Sorry” I answer. “I’m not near drunk enough to do it again.”
“That’s alright” says Don, passing me another full shot. He looks at the girl. “Have you ever done anything like that?”
She starts laughing at him. “Oh my god, are you kidding?” She turns to me. “How drunk were you when you did that?”
“Too drunk to remember how drunk I was.” (Can you imagine I was ever single!)
“You could do naked snow angels!” yells Don. I look up at him. The girl laughs some more, as does everyone else.
We keep talking, drinks are flowing freely, and as happens, someone needs to go to the bathroom – the girl.
While she’s up, Pat comes over to me.
“You realize we have no interest in seeing you naked, right?” he asks.
“Thanks Pat. I’m both offended and relieved”, my usual answer when guys say things like that to me.
“But we want to see her do one, and if you do, she might too” he finishes.

Well, being one to sacrifice myself for the cause, I say that if she agrees, I’m more than happy to do it too.

She comes back from the ladies room. Drinks flow a little more freely, jokes, stories, laughter.
Tracey brings up the snow angel again.
The girl is still reluctant, but not as much.

More drinks (I’m pretty well wrecked at this point, and I know the 15 minute walk back will take me at least a half hour, with the weaving.

I don't care if it's my fault. I'm still blaming this.

I don’t care if it’s my fault. I’m still blaming this.


This goes on a little longer until I say
“I’ll do it if you will.”
She looks at me with a calculating expression. “Will you go first?”
“Sure. But once I do, you can’t back out. You know, embarrassment shared and all that.”
She thinks for a moment.
“Ok.”
Crap.

Jumping into a cold pool? Done it.
Run across snow to a hot tub? Fun.
Laying down in the altogether and flailing in frozen water? How on earth is that considered a good idea?

But seriously, it needed to be done if only to slow down the amount of alcohol pouring down my throat.

So I step up, kick off my shoes and jeans, my shirt and hat, my boxers.
But not my socks.
No idea why. Did I mention I was drunk?

And out the door I go.
And IT’S. EFFIN’. COLD.

I lay down, I wave my arms up and down, and yes, I open and close my legs. There is snow in places snow is not meant to be.
And there is naked in places naked is not meant to be.
And I learned that night, that if there is ever a speed snow angel competition, I’m a shoe in for the gold.

So I pop myself back up, stumble laughingly back into the bar (through the other laughing stumbling patrons), pull my coat (just my coat) back on, and drink my delightfully warm(er than me) beer.

The group comes back in, and now we’re waiting for her. She’s reluctant. Understandable – even in the pre-internet days, running naked around a bar is never a good idea. But eventually, she holds up her side.
She goes into the bathroom, strips down, then streaks down the bar, shoots out the door, does her angel and dives back in.

The whole place is cheering and applauding, and we’re all (including her) laughing our heads off.

She gets dressed. I start to pull on my clothes. Except the socks. Those I pull off. Because they were soaked.

Epilogue:
I go into that bar a month later. Winter has lightened a bit, and that first hint of spring is in the air. But the bar is holding onto winter.
In the form of my socks.
Which are nailed to the wall with a commemorative “First Annual Naked Snowman” marker.

But it looks so pure...

But it looks so pure…

104 responses to “An Adventure – The Naked Snow Angels

  1. Hahahahahahahaha! Oh…the things we do with liquor in our bellies.
    Hilarious, Guap!
    Happy Christmas, my friend! And here’s hoping you never do that again! <3

    • Glad you enjoyed it, Flame!
      Sadly, my wife has given me rules about that sort of thing.
      Mostly the kind that say “DON’T!”

      Happy christmas and new year to you and yours!

  2. Coffee is meant to be swallowed, not snorted out ones nose.

    Merry Holidays and stuff, my friend. Thank you for once again sharing part of your multilayered life. I enjoy each and every tale.

    • Well, if it was cinnamon or some other holiday coffee, at least everything will smell nice all day…
      Thanks so much, Addie, and to you and yours, nothing but the best for the holidays, and every day after!

  3. Thanks for the laughs. I really needed it this morning.

  4. There are waaay too many bar table-tops with my high heel prints on them (Flamenco Dancer Wanna-Be) to even match Naked Snow Angels! Shhhhh…let’s keep the Flamenco thing a secret, OK?
    Happy Holidays, El G….

  5. This is great . Thanks Guap for the great laugh on this wonderful morning.

    BTW – We had a several couples over one New Years Eve. Eventually, it was off to the hot tub (with proper attire). Because it we recently received sufficient snow, some got the idea of snow angels, and then race back into the spa. See the angels in the yard the next morning from our upstairs window still makes of laugh.

    Happy Holidays to you and TMWGITU .. and hey … bring her over to get some gifts! After all, your presence is my present.

  6. A terrific Christmas tale. On par with its a wonderful life. The bar wasn’t on 34th I hope. Have a great day.

  7. What a wonderful Christmas story to eventually share with your children! “Dad did WHAT?”

    • My girl will have to be the disciplinarian for our kids, Elyse.
      No way I could tell my kids they were wrong to do something with a straight face, when I’ve probably already done it, and worse!
      hehehe…

      • One of my brothers had the same problem. He was a juvenile delinquent as a boy (8-14) before he became a pothead. He simply tells his kids that that he was an idiot. It works, more or less.

        • Someone I drank with who had his own history, used to tell his kid made-up stories about the guys he used to party with.
          I think he managed to scare the hell out of his kid and keep him straight.

  8. This may be the highlight of my Christmas morning, Guap! Sigh.

  9. Merry Christmas to you too – thanks for the nice message! (Love The Fratellis too! – great music)

    PS – I’d blame the Jager too!

  10. Gaup, this has been THE highlight of my Christmas! Thanks so much for sharing – just the right amount. (Well, maybe a few more details about the girl would’ve helped… ;) )
    And a very Happy Whatever to you and yours!

    • I’d have added more details, John, but seriously, I had to strain my memory to get this much out!

      Hope you and your girl are having a delightful season!

      • Don’t remember a naked girl streaking past you? Wow – you MUST have been tanked! ;) (Don’t worry, my friend – been there, done that. Well, forgot details, not been naked in public. That I remember……)

  11. Great story! :D I can imagien the fun you must have had – or at least the people watching it ;). I love your drunk stories, Guapo. It’s probably better if no parent reads these, but man, they’re just so fun :).

    • I like to think that I’m educating parents as to what their happy-go-lucky kids are up to!
      (And I really hope you aren’t taking suggestions from these stories,NBI. ;) )

      One thing about most of these misadventures, they were lots of fun!

  12. Brilliant stuff, have a good day, just cracking open the jaegermeister here..

  13. I can only imagine the Angel if you had lie face down…

  14. Lied face down…lain? Laid? Merry Christmas Guap!!! Cheers!!

  15. Guaps – you got a lot of splainin to do! My newish laptop now has Hazelnut coffee all over the keyboard which came spurting out of my nose when I reached the line about your socks posted on the wall! Merry/Happy Christmas Guaps!

  16. Are the socks still there? I’d travel to see them….

    • Alas, that’s one of many bars I no longer go into, WG.
      But I like to think the Naked Snow Angel Festival lived on, with the participants getting their socks hung each year…

  17. Hahahaha! This was a story worth waiting for, a gift to all of your readers. Thanks, Guapo!!
    Lots of Christmas Cheer to you and yours!
    Lisa
    Xoxo

    • Glad you enjoyed it Lisa!
      I actually kept your concern about potentially too much information when writing it, and realized it’s not the nudity, it’s the silliness that’s the point of the story!

      Hope your having a great holiday, and it carries right on through the new year!

  18. I was half-expecting you to say that you did it face down. Brrrrr!

    You’re hilarious, Guap.

  19. AMAZING! Omg, so jealous that your socks commemorate you at a bar!! You are awesome incarnate sir!
    Merry Christmas! =D

    • Thanks Giggles!
      Mostly I’m just lucky to have been in the wrong place at the craziest time.
      Well, that and friends who are as unhinged as me…

      Hope you have a fantastic holiday!

  20. I saw that snow angel when I was looking for images to decorate my blog. Funny to know the story behind it!!! hahaha. Brrrrr. :) Marsha :)

  21. Guap,
    This may have come a day later but still a nice gift, thanks for the laugh.
    And since Christmas already passed and still early for wishing happy new year I’ll wish you a good day.

  22. I think I see your cheek imprints in the snow! Hope you had a good Christmas, Guap!

  23. SO BRAVE. Or should I say SO DRUNK. This is a great story though. I’ve never even done a regular clothes snow angel!

  24. Love it! And the sense of pride you must have felt seeing the tradition you started!

  25. HAHAHAHAHA this is spectacular! I wish I did something this epic whilst wasted.

  26. Guapamole, you left a skid in the snow. Hee, hee, hee. ;)

  27. You should make a movie out of this! It could be the new Christmas classic!

  28. free penny press

    Only you would totally do that and she deserves a high-five too.. Too funny.
    You mentioned you were drunk, right? :-)

  29. Hahahaha! You, Sir, (and her) are way braver than I. That is an awesome story. I second whoever said this should be in a movie.

  30. Love it! I am just glad you didn’t do it face down because that would have left quite an *ahem* impression.

  31. Can’t stop laughing. It is probably a good thing it doesn’t snow in Florida.

  32. Pingback: Friday Foolishness – Purposeful Edition | Guapola

  33. Damn, man–I have to pull on a jacket just to read that story. I try to avoid exposing myself when it’s cold–I need every extra inch, so it’s hot weather only for me!

  34. Now, Guapington, you know I love you dude, but did you tweak this story a bit…this one sounded a wee bit familiar…when I was doing your b-d poem I even stalked you, looking for a post about a naked snow angel (but I couldn’t find it)…but I was thinking your boxers went on the wall…I wanted to add a line that said something like:
    The jokester, the prankster, don’t dare him at all
    Cause theres a bar where his underpants hang on the wall….
    Haha!

  35. This was the best Christmas Present! . I knew it was here and had to wait to open it – totally worth it.. Jagermeister – oh I got a couple of doozies – nothing like snow angels though I hate being cold drunk or not. I barely remember those days with such fondness..sigh.. Happy Holidays (and tell TMWGITU i said hi! ;-) ) See ya on the flip side..

  36. Wow! They will get frostbite in that long hour covered by snow. Help them! Help them! :P

  37. As I meet new bloggers, I am always impressed by, not only creative blogs, but those blogs that can create readership, and participate as engaged readers in others’ blogs. That is the reason I have nominated you for the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award. Enjoy it as a compliment. http://wp.me/p2jC53-13f Marsha :)

  38. I woulda paid good money to see that…*grin*

  39. Dude… that was funny… but that snow really packed up the crack of your ass… just sayin…

  40. I think I shall enjoy visiting this blog quite often. Excellent stuff here.

    Tim

  41. EPIC!!! Love this story.

  42. I’ll NEVER, EVER look at a snow angel the same way again!

  43. I will never look at a bottle of Jaeger + socks + freshly fallen snow the same again! Priceless! Thanks for sharing and I’m so glad your daring & generosity (took one for team, good for you!) were commemorated appropriately.

  44. Always blame the booze!! For the lack of socks, the lack of inhibitions….and shrinkage!!

  45. Now that was fun! So will you be there again next year? :)

  46. Pingback: An Adventure: The Naked Bar Slide | Guapola

Ahem *best Ricky Ricardo voice* Babble-OOOoooo!!!

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