An Adventure: The Naked Bar Slide

Today’s Music: Lionize – Surrender
Days Til Spring: 44

I’ve danced naked on bars, I’ve made naked snow angels outside them. Here is the final installment of my “naked in bars” opus.

Above my right nipple is a small scar that has long since healed. But my memories of it are vivid, and I still rub at it absentmindedly from time to time.

Not every story ends here.  But the ones that do are great.

Not every story ends here.
But the ones that do are great.

Maybe a year or two after the first naked bar dance, my dart partner, The Terror, had gotten engaged to a wonderful woman from the bar we hung out in. He and the boys were out for his bachelor party, getting all sorts of drunk in all sorts of places. I was at the bar, drinking lightly, with a completely different group of friends from college.
And then worlds collided.

The Terror and the boys came back. Even though the bar (unlike last time) was full, space was made for them at the corner. Greetings were exchanged, backs were slapped, drinks were ordered.
“Gimme a Jameson”, shouted the Terror. “I can drink that smoother than anything!” six sets of eyes turned to me, all of us having been there the last time someone said that.
I smiled, and considered it a wedding gift.
“I can drink that smoother than you.” I said. Bigger grins all around.
The shots get set up, the shots get knocked down.
And I yell “Clear the bar!!!”

Now, I have no doubt that this time around, I drank it smoother than him. I’m not saying he dribbled all over himself, because that would be rude. But he was getting married, so give him a memorable send off.


The regulars started laughing and moved away towards the back wall. The new folk were looking on in disbelief as the story was explained to them, and they moved against the wall.
“Hey Otto!” I called to the bartender as I slipped out of my shirt and started undoing my belt (with a little wiggle. You know, for the crowd). “How about a slide this time around?”
Otto laughed and sprayed down the bar below the taps with seltzer. *Remember that the taps are the demarcation point. It’ll come up again.*
While Otto finished hosing down the bar, I got out of the rest of my clothes, making it as sexy as only a 170lb six-footer in need of a shave and a haircut can.

At this point, the people who’ve figured out what’s going on are laughing and clapping, while the rest are looking very very puzzled, and perhaps a bit aghast.

So naked me goes back by the dartboard, and, clad only in a worn pair of boat shoes, bellows “CLEAR THE BAR!!!” one last time before sprinting towards the rounded corner of the bar. I time my launch perfectly, feet leaving the ground as my fingers curl around the top of the bullnose edge of the bar and my arms drag me over it, adding to my momentum.
My stomach hits the bar in a splash of seltzer, and, with a slightly arched back to reduce drag, I zip down the bar, a carbonated rooster tail of spray marking my passage, as Otto sprays me in more seltzer (or possibly Diet Coke) as I slid by.
I’m in the zone! Only three other people have done the naked bar slide in this particular place, and I’ve already gone further than any of them! Why, I’ve almost made it as far as- Crap!
The taps!
(Remember those?)
They’re set at the middle of the bar, and jut out over halfway into the bar. I suddenly realize that maybe I had a tad too much momentum. And the bar is soaked, so no traction there.
So, like a latter day Indiana Jones avoiding a sword laden trap, I roll onto my side and watch as the taps near. I begin to slow down, my body contorted (and soaked) as speed bleeds off, decelerating to the point where, when I reach the tap, I’m going just fast enough…to scratch my chest…from below (???) to the center…of my nipple.

And the place goes wild!
I’ve seen plenty of stupid bar stunts, and been involved in plenty myself, but truly, this was an appreciative crowd.
So finally, I get off the bar and dry myself off. Several bar napkins staunch the flow of nipple blood. I make my way back to the end of the bar, past the smiling faces, the shocked faces, and the faces that have no idea what they’ve just seen, and lean against the bar near The Terror. We order another round (tequila this time for me) and toast. he leans over.
“I think you drank the Jameson smoother than me this time.”
“Nah. Congratulations, John. Have a happy marriage.”

155 responses to “An Adventure: The Naked Bar Slide

  1. Which is better for sliding? Seltzer or Diet Coke?

  2. Hilarious! This image may be with me all day. ;-)

  3. So, did you get the Guinness record for the furthest slide in the bar?

  4. I’m from Wisconsin and never witnessed a naked bar slide. WOW!!! I am impressed.

  5. LOL! What a wonderful mental image to start my day off with a beng! I’m so glad you got a scar to remember this by! Oh if only there would have been iphones back then! But you painted an excellent picture with your words. I’m curious, what would you estimate you were going at your top speed?

  6. Why don’t I know you in real life? I’d give a good portion of my non-existent savings to witness something like that – especially if it ends in nipple-blood

  7. Remind me never to eat off any bar counter you’ve recently sat at…

    “Above my right nipple is a small scar that has long since healed.”—One always needs war wounds. Nice of you to get yours as a result of a wedding gift. ;)

  8. Truly epic…nipple blood and everything!

  9. If OUR worlds collided… oh my. You and Leo would always be naked in bars. Not a gay thing. Just a drunken thing. And did you know dropping your pants to cover your flip flops pretending to be wearing shoes will not get you beyond the bouncer insisting on the no flip-flop rule of a New Zealand bar? True that.

  10. This begs to be animated. Can you imagine the slow-mo nipple tear?

    Carrie’s right. That’s not a sanitary way to have fun. What’s wrong with you guys?

    An aside: My idiot blog relaunched with all the proper bells and whistles. Took longer than I thought but everything works.

  11. Absolutely loved it! I can’t stop smiling thinking about you doing this! It was a great story, Guapo!

  12. That story combined the grace of ice skating, the S and M fantasy of bloodied nipples and nonsensical genius of alcohol inspired male bonding. I raise my glass to you sir! Brilliant!

  13. The naked bar slide stories are my faves. Again, it’s best we didn’t know each other back in the day.

  14. Now THAT is a great drunken night out story. Are you still hungover? Yikes!

  15. Those bar-related nipple scars are the itchiest damn things.

  16. This should be an olympic event…

  17. I just figured out what I wanna do when I visit New York…
    I wanna be the videographer when you make your 2nd attempt at naked bar sliding!!

  18. Ha! Although I don’t envy a cut nipple, that kind of story does need a war wound to go with it.
    I am only sad to hear that this is the last installment of “naked in bars”. Surely you’ve left yourself open to future possibilities?

  19. Oddly, I never tried naked bar sliding when I drank. And how did you get such a cool bartender? I used to get escorted out for dancing on the bar, even when I was sober (hey with everyone else wasted no one was going to remember what I did!) ;)

    • He was one of the three best bartenders I’ve ever known. That bartender gave me one of the two nicknames I still use, because he decided my real name didn’t have enough character to suit me.
      (It also helped that we were going to school together at the time.)

  20. Finally, we get the story of the naked bar slide! Or are we waiting for a naked bar dance?

  21. And remarkably, we survived! I’m not sure what it proves, but Mom always said I’d regret the crazy stuff I did, but I don’t. I’m just sorry it had to end.

    • At a certain point, my folks went from trying to guilt me into not doing something, to just sighing when I did, to trying not to laugh as I got more ridiculous.

  22. 6′, 170 pounds–sounds pretty sexy to me.

    Jameson is about the smoothest whiskey I’ve drunk, but it often leads to inappropriate behavior.

    Do you still go to your bar? I’ve never had a bar. I’ve tried, but I’ve never found one in which I felt comfortable. Where I live it seems like everything is either a loud, sweaty, meat-market college bar or a grim, dingy, blue-collar, “why you talk with them big words?” bar.

    • The last time I was at that bar was probably for the naked snow angel story linked at the top.
      I always liked the relaxed, vaguely run-down neighborhood bars. Even though I don’t go to bars often at all anymore, those are where I feel most at home. Especially if there’s a dart board.

  23. You’re much braver than I am, Guap.

  24. Fabulous story! Chuckling still! A naked bar slide! Wow! :)

  25. What is there to say besides WOW

  26. I loved this story, and am duly impressed. I have never even seen a naked bar slide.

    Also, I laughed out loud, and wished for video! :D

    • I’d like to think I’d have the common sense to not have done this if there were cameras around.
      Instead, I’ll just count myself lucky there were no cameras around..

  27. Laughed the whole way through this, Guap! And it made me realize that I was hanging out in boring bars during my drinking days. Great post!

  28. I am now desperately wanting to hang out in a bar with you.

  29. I’ve done some whacky stuff in bars (and outside of bars, and going to bars and leaving bars and in dumpsters behind bars), but I can’t touch that one (nor would I want to touch anything to do with that one, without paremedics gloves and a hose). It’d be funny it were a ghost tale – you know where the bartender tells a few of the barflys that on some nights, when he’s sweeping up, he can almost hear the sound of leg hair against fizzy liquid and a strange whooping sound. And feel the rush of wind come over the place.


    • Ha! No ghosts in this one. But after the naked snow angel, a small piece of my spirit stayed in the place in the form of my socks nailed to the wall, so maybe…

  30. You are truly a daredevil hero to all … and I wonder how many times that event has been shared without your knowledge. … but ouch regarding the nipple … but hey .. a scar is a metal!

  31. That is so very awesome. Makes me wish I’d spent more of my youth, or even middle age, in bars! I think it’s only big-city bars with smooth Jameson that could inspire this sort of thing, tho. You were completely naked???? Man. A whole new level of appreciation for the Guap has just flooded by circulatory system.

    • I wrote the story with me wearing my boat shoes, but it’s quite possible I was barefoot, and so, completely naked.
      I don’t even think I wore any jewelry at that time.

      I’d be terrified to try it now that I’m middle age-ish. I’d probably break a hip!

  32. Jots fell in a country road-side ditch fully clothed once after downing more than enough vodka for one, no three people. That commercial “Help I’ve fallen and can’t get up” pretty much paints the image….please don’t tell anyone.

  33. Ooohhh! I nearly passed out, I was in mortal fear for your meat and two veg! lol
    You’re a brave man!

    • I think if I got that far past the corner of the tap, I’d have rolled off the bar to protect myself.
      And told everyone I planned it like that.

      (Brave instead of stupid? Sure, I’ll take that!)

  34. Guapo! I don’t think seltzer or diet coke will ever taste the same to me. Does this mean that now it looks like you have 3 nipples?

    • Ha! Sadly, all semblance of a third nipple has faded with time and chest hair.
      (and since reading your comment, diet coke has tasted funny to me too…)

  35. What a gift, Guapo! I wish I could have seen that. Oh, where’s the video, man!! Certainly, someone must have this on video?? Yes?

  36. sunshinebright

    Wow! Found myself quite intrigued. Never heard of bar-sliding before; let alone NAKED bar sliding. I lived a very sheltered life a LONG time ago. Thanks for enlightening me, Guapo.

  37. Gracious, weren’t you a Wild Thang?

  38. Well now you’ve gone and done it…the squirrels are lining up in the kitchen and screaming at me to hose down the island…you have set a bad example you naughty boy.

  39. Bellying up to the bar….in 3-D splendor with a nipple blood landing. And now the judges hold up their cards…..all 10′s.

  40. Okay come on, like no one anywhere got a picture of that??? What’s wrong with you, people? Nipple blood and tainted seltzer all around!

  41. Now why didn’t we ever have bar entertainment like that??? Thanks for the chuckle, I envisioned it all perfectly :)

  42. oh my word (to keep things clean in cyberspace). i would read this after having a collision with the fin of my surfboard – 6 stitches later! You had me realise that I’m truly grateful for a gash on the face and 2 intact nipples!

    • Egad! But we should see the other guy, right???
      Hope you heal fast, and the scar is in the shape of something fun (an arrrow? a jelly donut?).

      And you’re absolutely right. Next time I’d much rather do damage to my already ugly mug, and save my sensitive nipples.

      • the other guy is my surfboard and it is fine! the bastard! but thanks! it’s a curve, like a moon, so i might have to become one of these women who goes and dances with the moon once a month. ehm, no, not likely!

        • When I read your first comment, I thought of the quote you posted the other day.

          Nothing like soaking a fresh cut in saltwater!

          • believe me the washing machine comments were fresh on my mind! 2 surfers in the car park wrapped up my head with kitchen paper and duct tape! moral of the story – always have duct tape in the car!

  43. OMG whaaaat? You did this? The way you wrote it out, I could picture the whole thing and now I’m seriously cringing imagining the injury, yikes! Sounds fun though!

  44. Ha you should get a job at Coyote Ugly. I have to say, you’re far more adventurous than me. I have no scars above my left nipple.

  45. Ahh, a perfect bit of entertainment to punctuate the end to my first business trip in a long while! Thank you for a smile!

  46. Nudity, nipple blood and diet coke–truly a classic combination! I’m both amazed and impressed by this story. Next time, take pictures, lots of pictures!

  47. Pingback: Ouch! | But can she 'really' surf?

  48. They should advertise this: Tuesday night karaoke, Thursday night Quiz night, Friday night Guap Naked bar slide.

  49. I’ve been waiting for this one. It did not disappoint. :)

  50. You may start consider to write a book :D You will have many audiences and readers. :D

    • Ha! There is way too much of my drunken foolishness out there already!
      I need another steady stream of income before this gets wider coverage and I can’t get a job because of it. ;)

  51. And so it goes – another happy ending! <3

  52. Guap, I laughed my ass off. And then I sort of patted the “girls” and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll never put you in danger.”

    Rockin’ post, and thanks for giving me the link! You know me so well. I have had my share of misadventures, but nothing like this. More like showing up at the piano bar after having had too much there the night before, and the bartender handing me my bra… Yikes. But the owner was stoked! I would do anything in those days to keep a gig!! Amy

Ahem *best Ricky Ricardo voice* Babble-OOOoooo!!!

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