Spam. A Love Story.


Today’s Music: Israel Kamakawiwo’ole – Somewhere over the Rainbow asdf
*Note on Today’s Music: Song picked by NancyTex, who was suspiciously keen on me posting this.
*Note on today’s post: All the links are safe. Sort of.

I have never denied being a sappy romantic at heart. Sometimes, as I’m deleting my spam comments, I like to wonder, what if these people met? Would Ray Bans Wholesale enjoy the company of the Christian Dating Site? Could Webmaster SEO and Fancy Cat Pictures ever make a go of it? Do BabelFish and Google Translate ever find a common language (since neither of them seem to speak English)?
Let’s sit in on one of their dates, told in their native language and see what happens…

It's a spicy kind of love...

It’s a spicy kind of love…


Am I to be meeting him above the street upon which the light shines down. Noticeable at first is the way hair upon his eyes covers. The hand offered to me? I take it.
“Greetings”, spoke him his words. “The felicitations and announcements to joy upon our reconnaissance are truly of mine”.
I could not help but be swooned at the playerness of his strong welcome. The dapperity of his appearance did speak to me, from his Ray Ban Wholesale Online sunglasses to the Fine Italian Leather of his toe garments.
He did the speaking again “I am Tjhke90587fuyhn^*%jk, but you can call me &*8/”. Enrapturous as the encounter was, I knew this was to be more thereof.
“Acquaintanced of you, I am” was my cautionary reply. “Please to call me Sheila, as I am called Sheila.”
We were too strolling forwards near the restaurant of foods mouthwatering and good-smelling when at once, we were accosted by people from sales with finest delights!
Rolex Watches!
Laptop Cases!
Premium Electronics!
&*8/ was for the purchasing of these exquisitness one red rose that placed he fetchingly above the brow which is my forehead, and we sat the both of us for eating.

To wit of the many undertakings of conversationalisms, there was much of verbage to passing twixt us both, as though the speakage must continue. For job, of which he said there was a lots of pursuant to the makings of bucks, and the various things to selling, including
Adidas cheaper than wholesale!
Premier Spanish Handbags!
Women seeking mates in your area!
Though as concluding, I felt forced to remind him that as webmaster, his SEO usage was costing him page views, which I would dearly love to speak with him about to provide him much better placement within search engine results.
Worried need I have been not, for it was as though collaborations were with my own heart!
After all consumption had concluded and we returned insofar as going back to the place which in this country for many years my bed has been, he attempted the nicely to put kiss upon me. Truly, in lust of brightness, I did wrap arms under him and squeeze as though the first beginnings had started.

Together we have been of since, as for much time.

I hope sincerest my tale will be of inspirement to you, and to know that if you click now, all my story will be as though it were told by my cousin who only knows me as well as to relate this.

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187 responses to “Spam. A Love Story.

  1. May your lust always be brightful, &*8/ (ampersteightslash?)

    Like

  2. awwwww Spam and Hawaii are inseparable. :)
    Maybe we should all approve our spam comments and create more conversations in the blogging world?

    Like

  3. Love cannot be held back. *sniff*

    Like

  4. Way to spin gold from straw. Or Spam.

    Can I admit in an open forum that I actually kind of enjoy a nice plate of Spam n’ eggs for breakfast? Do you think less of me? Will you still meet for a beer now and then or did that change things between us?

    Like

  5. I always appreciate a good bit of Astley in the morning.

    So basically what you’re saying is that there is a secret genius/code embedded in spam comments, and if someone but takes the time to decipher this code and arrange the words in proper order, all will be revealed. I should have known. Please pass the Astley.

    Is this really all spam that you’ve received? How much spam do you get man????

    Like

    • I probably get 100 or so a week. I only check it irregularly.
      I most enjoy the ones that say the post helped the spammer unlock the mysteries of life. Usually on one of the friday foolishness posts.
      Who knew polls were so profound?

      Like

      • You gotta take your wisdom where you can find it. 100 a week? I don’t actually know where to find the spam, but will look it up. I think you’ve inspired me to locate the spam and see if it can make me more bugnuts, if at all possible.

        Like

        • on the left of the dashboard, click Comments. At the top, one of the options is Spam.
          I go in and clear it all out every so often, and make sure nothing legitimate got snagged.

          Like

  6. *heaved at the the sight of those spam cans* laughing now.

    Like

  7. “And they lived happily, until they got old and were deleted”.

    Like

  8. This was in my spam folder…

    Like

  9. Genious. GENIOUS. I too, as a webmaster, am losing page views… I feel their pain! :D

    Like

  10. My antihistamine-fuelled brain just exploded with happiness. I’m exhausted…spent, even… but filled with joy. Spam on my friend.

    Like

  11. Aside from that the fact that you have WAYYYYYYYYYYY too much free time on your hands, I love it. Or rather, the liking of which I feel for this written you thus composed is upon my good favor. Many gratefulness, my friend.

    Like

  12. Only you could have turned spam into an emotional tale.

    Like

  13. Spamtastic!

    Like

  14. This should win some “Creative Uses of Spam” contest!

    I had never heard of IZ or his version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” until someone posted the video on my blog last summer and I fell in love with it. I literally cried. Because love makes me cry. What am I talking about???

    Anyway, ever since then, I’ve heard it in several movie soundtracks and ThoughtsAppear played it as part of her wedding procession (groovy idea).

    All of this to say that I approve of that choice and also I am on pain meds.

    Like

    • I first heard the song at the end of finding Forrester, and have heard it lots of places since then. Fortunately, it’s a great song.

      Looks like those pain meds are working well! ;)

      Like

  15. Clever, clever approach to this topic. McSweeneys-esque!

    Like

  16. You’re hilarious. Thank you for giving these bots some personality. They didn’t deserve it, however. I wish they would all get together but then they might spawn some more evil botlets. Hey, I adore Rick Astley! LOVE his music!

    Like

    • My wife doesn’t blog, so she isn’t as familiar with all the spam comments we get, but she was very amused that all the links led back to an ongoing Rick-Roll..

      Further proof I married the right girl!

      Like

  17. If you let the Love Story theme tune roll through your head as you read this it gives the whole story a lot more meaning

    Like

  18. Niiiiiiice! I now feel sad for all the spam I’ve deleted, and all the potential love, not to mention ‘better than wholesale’ bargains, I’ve flushed away in the process.
    Your brilliance is showing, Guapo. ;)

    Like

  19. I got a little misty-eyed when Sheila did wrap arms under him and squeeze as though the first beginnings had started! I think this is the start of something beautiful!

    Like

  20. Somehow, Rayban spammers made it to the top of Twitter the other day. The filter didn’t nab them in time!
    I was told by a Happiness Engineer not to delete spam since WP does it for you. It leaks through more easily. Dang spammers!

    Like

  21. And to think, I could have turned my spam mailbox into a dating site. Probably would’ve made millions. Sadly, another opportunity lost. *sigh*

    Like

  22. “Aw, this was a honestly nice post. In idea I would like to put in writing like this moreover – taking time and actual effort to create a particularly beneficial article?- but what can I say?- I procrastinate alot and by no indicates seem to obtain some thing performed.”

    Like

    • Ha! I’ve never gotten that particular message.

      But it is to for of excellent that i shall above all recommending these in my group of likemindedness.

      Like

  23. So funny! I love it. You’re not going to lose a soul — smart & funny. Damn bots! But now you’ve put a great twist on it all. I may have more respect for my spammers. I may even read a few… Great creative stuff. And really fun. Oh, and I love this version of somewhere over the rainbow — nice way to start. Happy sweet day my friend. And thank you for the fun!

    Like

    • Thanks Carmen – glad you enjoyed, especially the song!
      Sadly, after a few hundred, even the twisted English messages get boring. It’s more fun to see which posts they get sent to.

      Like

  24. This is the finest weblog I telling my cousin most time about. Do you create you html or is this one made just for you because I be liking it a lot.

    Like

  25. WHERE do you come up with this stuff ?! =)

    Like

  26. Maybe all these Spam peeps will meet while attending the University of Pheonix! :) Very clever Guapisimo! Tu lapiz es muy verde!

    Like

    • Oddly, I have never gotten spam for a pencil sharpener.
      On an unrelated note, there are some very odd sex sites out there that send very boring spam.

      Like

  27. Isn’t spam dog food?

    Like

  28. Ha, Guap, you are a creative and funny bot (or not). :-)

    Like

  29. Once again you have rocked my world, taking spam where no one has dared to take spam before…

    Like

  30. You wrote this too well. I’m starting to suspect that you are actually behind all the spam accounts…

    Like

  31. Spam and Hawaii… I love that.

    Like

  32. Do you remember Rick Astley?
    He had a big fat hit that was ghastly.
    He said I’m never gonna give you up or let you down.
    Well I’m here to tell ya that Dick’s a clown
    Though he was just a boy when he made that vow.
    I’d bet it all that he knows by now.

    All Men are liars.
    Their words ain’t worth no more than worn out tires.
    Hey Girls, bring rusty pliers to pull this tooth.
    All men are liars and that’s the truth.

    All Men Are Liars
    Nick Lowe

    Like

  33. I’m not one for romance stories, but you really melted my heart with this one. Who would’ve thought those spam messages harbored such amorous feelings? Ah, c’est l’amour.

    Like

  34. Incidentally, spam *is* the SPAM of advertising: Not particularly “spiced,” just suspiciously sweet, and leading to dire consequences. Also, today’s song happens to be one of my personal happy tunes. Good luck getting
    Rolex Watches!
    Laptop Cases!
    Premium Electronics!
    out of my head every time I listen to it in the shower, now.

    Like

  35. wait…..
    you can delete spam?

    Like

  36. Bravo! (Imagine me clapping enthusiastically)

    Like

  37. Oh mah gah. Hilarious.

    Like

  38. From the photo, looks like they hit it off like a pair of horny rabbits. That’s a ton of baby SPAM! I almost had a panic attack (my mom used to make me eat fried SPAM–ack. I still break out in hives at the sight.)

    Like

  39. Love the Bruddah Iz song. He’s one reason I want to learn to play ukulele. (Ask me how that’s going in about 10 years.)

    And I have particular enjoiment for the topic which you discussed in this blog posting. The skill and fashion of writing that you’ve preformed here is admirable, especially to peoples like myself who search for a blogging site that offer such a high quality and humorous thinkings about such matters.

    Like

    • It is with revelatory appreciations that I am thanks for this commentation.
      Truly, it is as if you are of to me.

      (Ok. I think I just sprained my brain, Brian.)
      Guitar Center gives a free intro ukulele lesson if there’s one by you.

      Like

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        Like

  40. My emotions are all a twitter. Or among plenty of fish or something.

    But Guap, I’m sure there is a treatment for this condition of yours.!

    Like

  41. So much to love here! Over the Rainbow (Iz version) was one of my “six songs” because it reminds me of when my kiddos were babies.
    AND…sooo clever with the spam conversation. How do you think of this stuff??
    I haven’t been doing this very long, so it took me a bit to recognize what was going on with those incoherent posts. I just got another one today…it still feels like someone just needs help…or fried spam and eggs and a hug :-)

    Like

    • It really is a great song!
      I have no idea where this comes from. But I’ve scheduled electroshock to get rid of it!

      After a while, the spam gets to be comprehensible. That’s when you should start worrying.

      Like

  42. Thanks for including the Rick Astley video – it is a running gag between my daughter and I to play it at unexpected moments. Always gets a laugh! :)

    Like

  43. Brilliant, Guap. Akismet sounds so romantic so I’m not sure why they keep these generous people who LOVE my posts away from me :D

    My favourite is when I’m told how interesting my post is and that they’ve learned so much from this incredibly interesting subject and will definitely bookmark it for future reference – and it’s my About Me page (of course, how could they resist!) :D

    Like

    • Ha! I get those same “you’ve filled my world with insight on this controversial topic” messsages too.
      On my friday polls.
      (Makes me think someone needs to reprogram their spambots…)

      Like

  44. And now you have the distinction of making art out of spam. :-)
    Thanks for the laugh. :-)

    Like

  45. I shall never look at my spam the same way again. I usually trash it without reading. How heartless am I? :(

    Like

  46. Wow, you get all the classy spam… I also get a bunch on my post about the band Skid Row that are soooo long and loosely coherent that I actually think it may be real. Long rants about a woman who is supposedly the singer’s ex-wife.

    Like

  47. This almost makes me want to look into my spam folder. I haven’t looked at it in ages. Might I find some Rolex watches or Laptop Cases and kissing, too? Too funny, Guapo. I think you and Mark need to go out for a beer. Something tells me. Cheers!

    Like

  48. Pingback: What To Read | No Blog Intended

  49. And the award for best use of Spam in a love story goes to (opening envelope) El Guapo!

    Like

  50. This was one of my favorites! A bobble-head Spam doll adorns my desk and Spam follows me on twitter, but I have only eaten it once in my life. The occasion? A White Trash party I hosted in the treehouse at my first house. We served triscuits, cheez whiz, Spam and Franzia, chased by the worst hangover known to mankind.

    Like

  51. great video – no not rick -you’re spamming me with 80′s stuff! say ‘sawubona’ to johnny clegg for me. (gees the guys still going, hope he’s made up something new since the 80′s – give us feedback from the concert!)

    Like

  52. I don’t know which I like more, your posts or the comments section! You may have the wittiest followers ever… or do you bring that out in people?

    Like

    • That’s a great question. I have no idea. Maybe like minds? I’d like to think that people are comfortable typing whatever they like, serious or inane, here.
      I do know that I’ve got some of the best readers and commenters in the ‘sphere!
      (Including you.)

      Like

  53. Laughed all the way through, Guapo! This was hilarious!

    Like

  54. I’ve often thought some of my spam comments sound like Shakespeare without the “forsooths.” And you totally showed that, yeah verily.

    Like

  55. Did you know there is a connection between Spam and Hawaiian shirts?

    Oh yes.

    Hawaiians love Spam. Also Elvis impersonators.

    Like

  56. You should start one of those matchmaking reality t.v shows, I’m giving you the idea for its name “Match Made In Heaven” #CopyrightImplied

    Like

  57. Actually that is more intelligible than the blind date I had who was so nervous that his hands sweated continuously and he kept disappearing to smoke (I don’t smoke). Needless to say, it was a first and last date. Unlike your happy ending.

    Like

  58. This made my heart swell with love. I think I may have strained something… : )

    Like

Ahem *best Ricky Ricardo voice* Babble-OOOoooo!!!

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