An Insipid Cautionary Tale


Today’s Music: ABBA

CAUTION: The below is bad in ways too numerous to describe. But it’s my soapbox and I can yell what I want.
Do us all a favor and don’t encourage this behavior from me.
It’s for your own good.

INTRO VOICEOVER:
Join us now for a Lifetime Network Afterschool Special – “Peple With Stupid Problems – A Black Friday Tale” An insipid cautionary tale for the holiday season.

FADE IN

A MALE, ABOUT 38, LIES ON A BED. THERE ARE TUBES COMING OUT OF HIM. HE IS DRESSED IN SEVERAL DIRTY LAYERS AND A TATTERED CHRISTMAS SWEATER (You know, with the reindeers or snowmen or something), HIS HAND CRUSHING A STARBUCKS HOLIDAY CUP.
HE IS DIRTY, UNSHAVEN. HIS HAIR IS SCRAGGLY AND DIRTY, HIS FACE COVERED IN UNKEMPT WHISKERS

HIS CHEST IS COVERED IN RAVAGED BOXES, WE CAN ONLY MAKE OUT SOME OF THE LETTERS – XBO, LMO, KA LERS, OKSTON, WEBE.

THERE ARE PRICE TAGS STREWN ACROSS HIM LIKE NEW FALLEN SNOW.

AND BLOOD. SO MUCH BLOOD.

The camera pulls back, we see he is in an ICU OR, glass doors separating him from the main area. In rushes 2 SURGEONS (one male, one female) and a NURSE (male)

The SURGEONS are disheveled, BLOOD staining their scrubs. The nurse has a run in his stockings.

SURGEON1
Every year. The same madness. (HE WIPES THE SWEAT FROM HIS brow with his sleeves)
Nurse, I need a price scanner over here, Stat!

NURSE hands her a scanner. SURGEON1 waves it over the body, it’s red light illuminating impossibly damaged boxes, gift tags, holiday flyers.

SURGEON2
My God, this is the worst I’ve ever seen it. I don’t know if I can do another one of these.

SURGEON1 responds without looking up.
Hold it together, Tavison.

TAVISON
You don’t understand Jillian. My wife is out there. My kids.

JILLIAN doesn’t even look up, her hands now reaching in to unseen places while she speaks.
I’m sure they’ll be fine Tavison. Nurse, I need suction.

JILLIAN looks up as NURSE hands her a nozzle from a Tyson Dirt Devil

NURSE
What? It was on sale. I got a great deal before I came in.

JILLIAN takes the nozzle and moves it below the body, tucking it in out of sight. NURSE hits the power button.

THE MAN arches in pain and begins groaning. We see a stream of small gift boxes spinning in the vacuum collector. The vacuum starts to whine – something has snagged.

JILLIAN pulls the nozzle and begins working at it to free the object.

JILLIAN
Damn. I hate Black Friday. 3 years ago, my boyfriend went out to catch the sales and I never saw him again. This day is just evil.

She has managed to free the OBJECT and is now turning it in her hands examining it.

JILLIAN
He said he had to get something. That it was a surprise for us together. I thought he was going to propose, but he just disappeared.

She is looking at the OBJECT more closely. The light glints off it as she brings it closer to her face. The camera comes over her shoulder to focus on it as she reads aloud TO MY LOVE AND MY HEART,…
The camera shows JILLIANS face, a tear running down her cheek as she turns the OBJECT, which the camera cuts back to …JILLIAN

JILLIAN looks up, both eyes wet now, her face turning to the figure on the bed, who is looking at her now, his eyes alight with crazy

MAN
I couldn’t get back to you. Oh how I tried. But the sales, the bargains. I get swept up in the crowd, carried away form store to store, deal to deal.
We ravaged the Midwest. They called out the National Guard in Tuscaloosa to control us. There were firehouses to break us up in Alameda.
Binjago, Utah was wiped off the map completely. But those deals, oh those deals.

He collapses back to the bed, unconscious.

JILLIAN holds her face in her hands and cries.

TAVISON pulls off his scrubs.
Finish up here nurse. I’m going to save my family.

He strides out of the OR

FADE OUT

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22 responses to “An Insipid Cautionary Tale

  1. Nice drama. Don’t quit your day job.

    Happy Cyber-Monday.

    Like

    • Thanks WG. I see the holiday season has really mellowed you.

      Like

      • I didn’t even notice that today’s music was Abba. For sure don’t quit your day job. You may, however, want to think about retiring from your career as a blogger. Or as a “musicoftheday” selector.

        Wow.

        As far as mellowing goes, today I accidently spent $125 on a pair of skates for my son. They were used. He is10. The madness has only begun!

        Like

  2. This was AWESOME!!!!!

    Like

  3. americans need their flat screen tv’s!!!

    Like

  4. I love any post that pokes fun at Black Friday’s madness.

    Like

  5. well documented. this is a true story – yes? continue…

    Like

  6. Hehe, encouragement or not, it was hilarious!

    Like

  7. I wholeheartedly encourage more of this type of writing. Change it up a little, though – you know, try it once while drunk, once while on cold meds, once after a long hard…. day at work. See what oozes out of you and onto the keyboard. And then clean it off and write a STORY! I can’t wait.

    Like

  8. Snort, chuckle, giggles, guffaw, all out Belly Laugh!! More more I am encouraging. Hahaha. Loved it. I have never..ever been shopping on Black Friday. Just wanted to add that…. You rock in so many ways. I am getting season tickets!
    🙂 Peace

    Like

  9. this is like a dramatic, thriller version of scrubs. good job, amigo.

    (still can’t get over this line “The nurse has a run in his stockings.” do male nurses really wear stockings?)

    Like

  10. Thanks Goradde.

    The nurse didn’t become a He until I wrote that line and thought “his” would be more eye catching.

    Like

  11. I just added this feed to my bookmarks. I have to say, I very much enjoy reading your blogs. Thanks!

    Like

  12. HAHAHAHAH! That psychological imagery had been pretty awesome! I’ll proceed to explain of which I’ve never skipped a new shower rather than reading… but Now i am not hitched either, so Maybe I could make it happen without inflicting my nastiness with another!; D

    Like

Ahem *best Ricky Ricardo voice* Babble-OOOoooo!!!

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