Trifecta Challenge – Wretched


Today’s Music: Echo and the Bunnymen – The Cutter
Days Til Spring: 22

I have absolutely no idea how often I’ll participate in these. but this one just sort of developed itself.
Honest criticism is welcomed in the comments. Seriously, if it sucks, or you have issues with it, let me know. It would be nice to actually be good at writing…
(Oh, and for those of you with no interest, click the Friday Foolishness tag above the picture at the top, and check out last Friday’s earworms. But don’t share them. Really, that’s just mean.)

The Monday Friday Challenge from Trifecta:
wretched adjective \ˈre-chəd\

1: deeply afflicted, dejected, or distressed in body or mind

2: extremely or deplorably bad or distressing

3: being or appearing mean, miserable, or contemptible (dressed in wretched old clothes)

Again, please use the third definition in no less than 33 and no more than 333 words. Have fun.

So here’s my entry. At 333 words. If Hotspur gets extra points for the 333, then I want em too. Even if his is better.


His suit didn’t fit. Too long in the sleeves, too wide at the collar. The seat crept up his ass.
He didn’t care. He shuffled along as the clouds slowly crept up on the sun. He could feel the air cooling as they devoured it.
He didn’t care.
Wet hit his misshapen nose. One drop. He tilted his head skyward. Another drop. Another. The beginnings of a torrent. He looked around for shelter. Maybe a discarded newspaper or plastic bag. There were none.
The deluge started, pouring from the sky, dousing him, overwhelming him, drowning him. Water poured in down the too wide collar, down into the seat of his pants. Rivulets streamed down the too long sleeves, dripping off the ends of his fingers, to be lost in the flash flood at the curb.
He didn’t care.
He slouched along through the cold wet, one of his shoes squeaking with the water it absorbed at every step…
At the corner he turned into the small office building where he worked. He trudged across the lobby to the elevators. Reflexively, he pushed the button and waited.
Nothing happened.
After a few minutes he looked up.
Out of order.
He sighed and turned to the stairs.
Squish. Squish. Squish.
He labored his way up the steps, the coolness of the conditioned air making him shiver inside his wet, sopping clothes. He pulled open the door to his floor, made his way into his office, found his way to his desk.
He took off his coat, sleeves dripping on the page of the report he’d been working on all week. His silk tie was water-stained and rumpled, the rain ruining that too…
He sat down, turned to the small window next to his cubicle for a look outside.
The clouds were rolling back away, sunlight streaming again.
Of course, now that he was sitting at his desk.
He could hear the weather forecast come from another cube. More rain for the afternoon.
Another wretched Monday…

Advertisements

97 responses to “Trifecta Challenge – Wretched

  1. You should try your hand at a longer fiction piece. I would read it.

    Personally, I never bet the trifecta. I prefer to pick middle odds horses in early races then if I make money longshots in the later races. Believe it or not, this works more often than it doesn’t!

    Like

    • I pick horses based on how amusing the names are. Which is why I don;t bet on the horses anymore.
      Thanks, Dan!

      Like

      • I used to bet on the horses like that, but the last few times it is like they all have this big con persony to have great names with not so great results…horses. 🙂

        Like

        • Hmm…Interesting theory, The Hobbler. By the way, my friend The Hobbler had a question for you:

          “I was wondering if you might help me out…El Guapo and Edward Hotspur gave me quite a bad time the other day, and I thought it might be fun if some of us bloggers who frequently see their sites would mention “conspiracy” or some form of the word in any comment we make on their blog tomorrow. The idea is to get them thinking that it is weird that so many people are talking about conspiracies…but we should still be subtle enough that they won’t figure out there really is a conspiracy to quickly”

          Oh wait, “Ok, abort plan with EH and EG…they know…unless I’m paranoid, but yeah…pretty sure they know (burn after reading)”

          So, never mind.nspiracy to quickly”

          Like

  2. This is a good response except you didn’t use the word “wretched.” You described it but didn’t use the word. Perhaps you could change “Oh joy, Monday…” to “Another wretched Monday….”

    Like

  3. I’m going to be honest because you asked us to be. This is excellent! I really liked it and I think it would make a good beginning to a novel.

    Isn’t it interesting how when I was titling my post today the word wretched jumped into my head — a word I don’t usually use btw. Then I click on your post and there it is! Weird.

    Like

    • Actually, I noticed that too, then went back to reread yours to see if it was an entry!
      You could always link to it from trifecta’s page. Because jam on a keyboard is pretty wretched…

      Thanks, Linda. If you could let me know tomorrow what next week’s challenge will be, that would be great!

      Like

  4. Well done Lord Guapshire! Some stories are told. This, however was a picture, painted.

    Like

  5. Oh I feel so, so… HOBO! may have to dig through a restaurant’s dumpster to complete this wretched picture.
    Good job EG. I’m making no comment on you vs Hotspur, as I read both of your blogs heh.
    Loved this piece, and would also dig seeing a piece of fiction from you. Not that I don’t love your posts as they are 🙂

    Like

  6. It’s……very good, actually. However, since you asked for honesty, I will be honest. I have one criticism, the use of the word ‘ass’ in the beginning. Before anyone tells me to stfu…let me explain. I’m no stranger to profanity, nor have I a problem with it. In fact, I’m pretty good at it. However, in my opinion, the use of it does not fit this piece. In other words, the piece is too good for the word. It’s a dumb word in an otherwise very well written and intelligent piece.

    Like

  7. Hi,
    That was very well done. The poor guy had a very bad start for the day. :)An excellent little story that could easily be added on too. 😀

    Like

  8. Keep your ass in EG. In my opinion it is so wonderfully close to another favorite anglo word of mine ‘fuck.’ It can be used as(s) a noun, descriptive article, verb and if you’re a genius.. adverb. ‘assily we roll along roll along roll along!’
    Keep it coming. It was not ass.

    Like

  9. My ass is in way too frequently, Rachael 😉 I just wonder if it might be jarring compared to the rest of the story…

    Like

  10. This is wonderful. I could feel every drop of water. We all know that feeling and you described it perfectly. Well done!

    Like

  11. Great series of challenges. I think I will get going on some of these, but 333 words seems like a lot to start out on.

    Like

  12. who said you can’t write? Oh you said it would be nice to be good at it….but same thing. Literal whatever…. Although you didn’t use the word wretched I think you conveyed it very well….since you asked for honest critique here – the one thing that tripped me up – oh nevermnd I just reread it and it makes sense – sorry… I like it. I’m curious though why a man with an office job that has a silk tie has a suit that doesn;t fit – lots of reasons and that is surely a wretched condition – it;s just me always wanting to know why. Did you have a particular reason in mind or just the general condition?
    Good job! Can;t write – my ass. and how do you qualify that statement anyways -? Ok you didn’t say you can’t write but you said it would be nice to actually be good at writing… you write very well., If a writer can bring the reader to the feeling it – ….hmmmmm – it;s like when you write your posts about your various adventures and shenanigans – you pull the reader in and they want to either try it too – or feel like they are there too….ya dig? My opinion of a good writer is someone who can do that – and you Rock – if you are talking technical shit like commas – I dunno…I get caught up in the words (which says something too) I like it – did I say that already? well I do. 🙂 keep doin them … JMHO

    Like

  13. EG: you know we all love your ass. and sass. oh, and don’t tell Mrs EG. She may get the wrong idea. Even though I’m sure she is one of your ass worshipers…
    gee that could sound wrong heh
    Proof again of the versatility of your ‘ass.’

    Like

  14. wow – sorry I didn’t mean to be so redundant and wordy – but i guess i made my point or something…twice at least. I;ll start editing better, I started that comment earlier and then had to do someting else and came back and forgot to read it before I hit post… 🙄 oops.. 🙂

    Like

    • hey – i was poking around the Trifecta site cause maybe i’ll try it – the instructions say the word itself must be used. you know me and rules 🙄 and I think you should get extra points for conveying it without using the word but – just thought you;’d want to know – 🙂

      Like

    • No worries, LizzieC. It’s all part of your magic!

      Like

      • 😕 hmmmmm… .
        it’s the good magic right? I just want to be clear – good magic.
        I wouldn;t consider the silk tie / suit that doesn’t fit a mistake per se – and I am not sure how many other people even consider it – if you ever saw the show Suits – (I think that;s it I haven’t had tv since September the lawyer and his intern that isn;t really a lawyer – genius con man?) the intern has ill fitting suits …. but they happen to be quality so it;s not out of the realm – just me – why why why? so
        mistake? no… just a question. nothing wrong with that. If you used this to start a longer story like has been suggested …I;d say there is plenty of room to address that at a different time… right? I wouldn;t change a thing really except add the word wretched so it doesn’t get disqualified – it’s great. 🙂

        Like

  15. whiteladyinthehood

    It was great, Guapo!

    Like

  16. You know that game I mentioned playing on Friday? Would you be okay with playing Saturday instead? We might be able to get more people because it’s not a work day.

    Like

  17. freakin’ great EG. well done…and interesting to boot. continue…

    Like

  18. Way to step up to the challenge! I found this very evocative, leaving me wet & miserable!

    Another fine musical choice.

    Like

    • Thanks, Smaktakula. Wet and miserable is what we always aim for here at Guapola!
      I wanted to use “I Love A Rainy Night”, but the song just didn’t fit the mood…

      Like

  19. It’s like you were writing my life. I have a tiny umbrella in my car. The kind that barely qualifies as an umbrella. And I get soaked just like that every time I think about you. I mean, every time I get in the rain with that umbrella. Sorry. Just ignore that other thing I said.

    Like

  20. Despondent and sad and hopeless and lovely.
    I like the image of the suit, but had issue with the overall fit. If it’s too long in the sleeves and too wide at the neckline, why would it be giving the poor man a wedgie? I would think that it would be sagging there.
    I like the drops of rain falling slowly; I like the deluge into the sidewalk. I like the image of him walking through air-conditioning after being thoroughly doused.

    Like

    • Thanks, Kelly.
      You’re right about that. I think I was focusing too hard on the definition “looks miserable”, and went for every little bit of that I could find.
      I think for what you noted, it was definitely a case of losing the forest for the trees.
      Great note – I’ll try to remember it for the next thing I write.

      Like

  21. Are you a professional writer? You know how to invoke mood in a way that’s really gutting. Loved “the seat crept up his ass. He didn’t care.” ha!

    Like

  22. I’d tighten up some of the paragraphs, and leave the “He didn’t care.” as stand alone paragraphs.

    Nicely done. There is a great voice in there, sir. Start bellowing it to the world.

    Like

    • Thank you, Addie.
      You’re right, that would have been great punctuation.
      The tightening would have been hard for me. Originally, it was about 180 words, and I wanted to come in at 333.

      Like

  23. I loved it. Much better than Hotspur’s. 😉 Very expressive language…I can see it in my mind. I checked out the challenge…never done one of those before, but just for fun, this is what I would have said:

    Wrinkles deep with angry lines, hands were clenched like balls of twine. He waited for her by the door. He struck and knocked her to the floor. She screamed and cried but no one heard. “Please, please stop” were her final words. His blood soaked clothes were his wretched prize, for ridding the hatred from his eyes.

    Like

  24. I had a late summer day in Amsterdam in my head. Thanks for the imaginery. I enjoy your style as a word minimalist. It’s an art; to say so much with so little.

    Like

  25. Ooh, how Mondays hurt, especially when it rains…

    Like

  26. No criticisms, no a.o.r.b., either. I really loved it! I love the images and your lyricism. Yes, you are a writer!.

    Like

  27. I loved the irony in the repeated “he didn’t care”s. AND – the “wretched” at the end is perfect. I’m glad you changed it. It’s not overkill.

    Like

  28. Had to follow your blog. Anyone that will list an Echo and the Bunneymen song for their song of day gets my vote. Especially “The Cutter”.

    Like

  29. try 3333 next time. i want more.

    Like

  30. How did I get late to the dramatic reading? Oh well – “Trifecta” in the title (also in the previous post) threw me off.

    Meanwhile, here’s what made it for me …. the cubicle on Monday morning. Well done!

    Like

  31. Ah, yes, wretched Mondays! Love this piece, I can so picture this guy and feel his desire to be most anywhere other than that cubicle. 😉

    Like

  32. This is why I hate Mondays. Your imagery was amazingly detailed, but never overdone.

    Like

  33. Thank you, Tara.
    I’m glad it didn’t bludgeon anyone!

    Like

  34. First, I just got lost in the awesomeness of your blog. This is fantastic. Thank you for your countdown to Spring at the top, it makes me happy.
    OK, as for the piece, the “wretched” Monday is well captured. From the description of his clothes, to the elevator out of order, to the water dripping on his report he worked on for a week, NICELY DONE!
    So glad I found your blog. Keep up the good work.

    Like

  35. Thanks for linking up, El Guapo. Great story. As if Mondays aren’t bad enough without this. I love the detail and how you paint a really vivid picture of what’s going on. You said at the top that you have no idea how often you’ll participate — we hope you can do it every time we put up a challenge! And the ‘It would be nice to actually be good at writing’ line? I reckon you’re already there…

    Hope to see you for the weekend challenge too.

    Like

  36. I liked it. Good read indeed.

    Like

  37. you had a good cadence – It really drummed with the sound of the rain and the overall wretchedness of the work-grind when I was reading it.

    Like

Ahem *best Ricky Ricardo voice* Babble-OOOoooo!!!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s