Monthly Archives: August 2012

Friday Foolishness – Intelligent Life Edition

Today’s Music: Harry Connick Jr – Heavenly

Gasp…wheeze…stumble..almost there…
The Friday finish line is just a few hours away,and soon this week will be nothing but a memory!
But it will be a week with some good memories from posts out in blog world:
Nicole Marie is getting back to writing her novel. One of my favorites, Flame, is back, with a great post on Camping!
And finally, Marie won the lottery!!!
Thanks to them, and all the rest of you for a great week in the ‘sphere.

Of course, we have to go back to last week to get the answers from the poll.
We asked What could possibly be better than Sliced Bread? And wow, did you guys…rise to the challenge! Here’s what you had to say. (As always, my comments bake in italics.)

(Well that goes without saying. And stop hitting on my wife.)
Homemade bread! Benzeknees
(My home barely keeps me warm, and yours makes bread?!?)
Sliced Cheese. Mmmmmm…..
(I think we should make a cheese and bread slices quilt, held together with thin red licorice thread!)
Raisin bread. French toast. Strawberry bread. —Jell Jell
(Raisins are the devil’s fruit!)
an orga…wait…is this a trick question? Seems to easy. 🙂 Mel
(It’s…crap, your answer made me forget the question…)
sliced mozzarella cheese and a jersey tomato. mmm (wordsandotherthings)
(Says the Jersey Tomato: Nah. I’ll take you to a place in Brooklyn where they grow tomatoes like they do in the old country. Fuhgedaboudit.)
Sliced cake —Lily
(Oh, so close. Now if you’d said “with frosting”…)
Derrr, bread with vegemite on it (says LITFL) 😉
(After a quick google search, I’m going to have to say that I don’t think bread is strong enough to hide the taste of Vegemite.)
Breadsticks Rebecca 2000
(A food and a weapon. I like it!)
Divited Donuts lindav
(United we slice, divited we donut?)
What about just bread in general? It’s pretty great. Carrie – Cannibalistic Nerd
(How could general bread be better than sliced bread? That’s just crazy talk!)
baguettes with salt butter, actually! NBI
(Isn’t it illegal to not have baguettes with fromage?)
and a good blog too of course. NBI
(Tastes even smoother if you let the blog melt a bit before spreading.)
Naan. If I could eat Naan every day I would die happy (and large). Love & Lunchmeat
(You Pouri , Pouri girl.)
(A delightfully soft warm yeasty white bread slice between two scrumptious pieces of sour dough, served with a side of bread crumbs and a cracker! Mmmm…)
squeezy cheese..squirt cheese canned cheese lizziec
(It’s very unsanitary to eat that straight from the nozzle. I mean, or so I’ve heard…)
Warm, unsliced bread. 54.5
(Unsliced? Sounds like someone’s been loafing around. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)
FRIED sliced bread
(Step awaaay from the county fair.)
sliced soup Stay Abnormal
Getting literal here. Sriracha. Or Ranch dressing. Quirky
(How are you going to fit salami between two blob of ranch dressing? Actually, htat sounds kind of tasty…)
Youtube. A video of sliced bread, obviously.
(No. No really, it’s not:)

I see your “buttered” & raise you “with melted cheese.” Duh.
(…and now I’m sitting on a tower of butter and cheese. Excellent!)
The bread. Not the knife. Hand-ripping pieces apart counts as slicing. BrainTomahawk
(well yeah, if you’re Edward Scissorhands.)
Everything else. I hate bread. — asplenia
(Right, so Asplenia says Root Canal is better. We need to find you a good baker.)
Buttered, sliced, toasted bread, with Vegemite. And hot tea on the side (Kanerva)
(Vegemite? What would your Finnish neighbors say?)
Beer! (SnB)
(the ingredients of bread, and then some!)
Buttered sliced toast, obviously – John Phillips Bet 8 others did this one
(If only you’d bet on Vegemite…)

Congratulations to Stay Abnormal on this week’s winning answer. (Seriously, not since Joe Hoovers Gravy. Cold Gravy. cola flavor have I been so moved by an answer to one of these!). And from the offered choices, the most popular was BRRRAAAIIINNNSSSS!!!!. (I LOVE when that happens!)
So congratulations to all you lucky pickers out there too!

What? No beer tap?!?

And that brings us neatly into this week.
There was plenty of news from Curiosity on Mars this week – pictures, readings, some movement.
So now that it’s there, how should Curiosity spend its time? That’s what we want to know.
Heck, just to sweeten the pot, maybe I’ll even take the winning answer and send an email to NASA that will be posted next week.
Try not to me in trouble with NSA, hmm?

So lets dive right in! Remember, if you write an answer in, if you leave an ID, I can link back to you next week. So vote often, vote creatively. But vote before 6 Sept, 2359, Earth Eastern time. Because that’s when this one closes.

And until next time, here’s some otherworldliness to amuse and entertain.

Wallace and Grommit on the moon!

And the moon throughout the year. Great video (a little dizzying), great music, and some interesting factoids thrown in.

Have a great week y’all. And I’ll see you…out there…

A Literary Limerick (and Haiku!) – Star Wars: A New Hope

Today’s Music: Meco – Star Wars Theme/Cantina
Note on today’s music: If you’ve never heard this disco version, you should click the link.

Continuing in the tradition of disrespect for the classics, El Guapo is proud to present his latest invitation to be sued by the copyright holders of great works.
Today, we turn our literary Tourette’s on the Star Wars saga.
(There was a novelization of the movie I owned as boy. So there.)

This one is actually based on a request. Love & Lunchmeat asked if Star Wars could be done. Possibly in Haiku.
As we are ecstatic that anyone pays any attention to these at all, we are happy to oblige.

A note on Haiku: it is a venerated Japanese art form. The traditional structure is 17 “on“. On are not the same as syllables. I have no idea what they are, so I don’t feel bad about the meter here at all.

One other note on this series: This will be episodes 4, 5 and 6. Not 1, 2 or 3.
Star Wars. Not Star Wars: The Quest To Cash In.

A battle of good versus evil.

A son inherits more than a lightsaber.

Dude, don’t kiss you sister.

Star Wars
A New Hope
He grew up fast, in confusion and blur.
“For luck” she said as he kissed her.
In the trench he shot true
No more Death Star for you!

But dude, you just kissed your sister!!!

And just to cleanse your palate, here’s Bill Murray’s lyrics from an old old Saturday Night Live skit.

Trifextra – It’s an animal!

Today’s Music: Wylde Nept – The Unicorn Song
Note on today’s music: Animals!!! This one was written by Shel Silverstein.

The other day, I got one of the nicest tweets ever –

Trifecta @trifectawriting:
@Guapowitz We miss you!

Yeah well, this will get them over that in a hurry!

This weekend’s Trifextra Challenge is a 33 word piece using the name of an animal as a verb.
(Name of an animal. That will be important in a moment.)
The following two entries are exactly 33 words each. And fit the rules. Sort of…

Entry the First
“I said I giraffed the fence.”
“That’s not a word.”
“Sure. Means I looked over the fence.”
“Dude, The challenge was make an animal name a verb. Not make stuff up.”

Entry the Second

“Uhoh” said Megan. “He Georged it”.
“What’s that honey?”
“The mouse ran into the wall. My bunny, George is an idiot. So when I see something stupid done, I say they Georged it.”

Many of you know how much I love these challenges, and the group of Trifecta administrators and authors is one of the coolest online communities, and I have the highest respect for their love of and skill at writing.
Thanks for having me Trifecta!



Friday Foolishness – Anti-Atkins Edition

Today’s Music: Michael Franti & Spearhead – Say Hey (I Love You)
Note On Today’s Music: Fun song. My girl has had this stuck in her head for the last few weeks.

What a week. Politicians with foot in mouth disease. Curiosity exploring Mars. And of course, great stuff in the blogosphere.
Lights in the Dark posted video of the Curiosity landing! Old dog New Tits hit her one year blogiversary (seems to be a lot of that going around…
And The Girl In The Cat Frame Glasses put up a weighty post that moved me, and has stayed on my mind for several days. I hope you all check out I Couldn’t Stand Up.

And of course, there was a poll. everyone’s favorite Canadian, Kayjai, went to Florida! And we asked what you all thought the Headlines would be. Man, did you guys have things to say! And here they are. (As always, my bylines are in italics.)

Odd-Screech replaces Bourbon as drink of choice in Fla for 2 days John Phillips
(Related: Labatts and Molson shortage reported.)
ABSOLUTELY… all of the above (Kanerva)
(This weeks newspaper edited by Kanerva!)
How did I wind up here? I’m not old OR Jewish! –Rachael
(Pull up a bagel and a bingo card. You’ll fit right in.)
Blogger’s visit causes Florida’s average IQ to pass the 100 mark for first time.
(Sadly, local gov’t isn’t bright enough to realize it.)
Canadian Crashes Shark Week after Close Call with Great White
(“We thought Great White meant untanned tourists”)
Stock prices in sunscreen soared due to unusually high demand…. Stay Abnormal
(Cashiers blinded by exceptionally pale skin)
Canadians spark riot by dissing “maple syrup” served at Denny’s (Madame Weebles)
(“I never knew it was a real flavor” says bewildered diner. “I thought it was made in a lab!”)
Tourist Comes to FL as Pres. of Canadia, Leaves as Gov. of FL ~ Red
(Florida populace breathes sigh of relief.)
War on Robins escalates to United States…more at 6 (SnB)
(“BRING IT!” says Kayjai.)
“Damn,” says tourist. “I couldda gone to Yellowstone!” Elyse 54.5
(Yellowstone populace breathes sigh of relief.)
KJ reduces python population. (Frank)
(“Those pythons are sissies” says tourist. “Bring on the alligators”)

Fortunately, those Floridians have a good sense of humor! (I hope…)
And congratulations to ALL OF YOU!!! Seriously, they were all so good,that this week, everyone wins!
And from the offered choices,the most popular was Mickey Mouse Found Drunk and Unconscious In Everglades. Again. Because, well…yeah.

Which brings us to this week.
They say bread is life. The staff of life, even. Staffs are what, 6 feet tall? They must have been talking about an extra long baguette. And who are they anyway? Never mind, that will be a different poll.
This one is about bread.
Sadly, some of us can’t eat it. And I say sadly, because bread is great! It’s wonderful! It’s the best! It is, in fact, the standard for the best.
Or is it?
They (there they are again!) often say that something is the best thing since sliced bread.
How did sliced bread get to be the standard? How could that possibly be the best thing?
That’s our question to you this week, Guapalutians. What is better than sliced bread??
Can’t wait to see what you come up with, but come up with them often, and come up with them soon, because this one ends at 2359 EST, 30 Aug 2011.

And until next time, enjoy these.
First, a pair of Star Wars spoofs. The second one had me laughing. Hard.

And finally, I saw this on Asplenia‘s site.
I hate this video. Because I didn’t think of it first. This is exactly the kind of inanity that bounces around the inside of my head all. The. Time.
I saw it, and then made everyone I know watch it, because I laughed so hard.
It’s a bit long, so if you don’t have time, watch the first couple of minutes, then skip ahead to about 8:25 to the end.

And have a great week everyone!

An Adventure – Bungee Jumping

Today’s Music: ZZTop – Double Back
Note on Today’s Music: The song fits, and yeah, I guess there was a rock n roll soundtrack kicked in as soon as I jumped.

Bungee jumping is an exercise in insanity whereby a moron tosses themselves off a bridge to bounce at the end of hyperelastic cords.

My name is El Guapo. And I’m a moron.

If I look like I’m about to poop myself, it’s probably because I am*.

From a technical point of view, the sport is quite simple. The jumper is strapped into a harness (in this case, a waist harness and auxilliary chest harness). The bungee cord was in fact five cords held together, with fittings at either end connecting them to the jumper via two carabiners – one at the waist and one at the chest.

And the view was magnificent.

So at this particular site, the process was
– Fill out the questionnaire (my favorite question: Do you prefer an open or closed casket?)
– Get weighed. This is important. They ask your weight on the questionnaire, then confirm it on a scale. (And mock you if it’s different.)
They have several bundles of cords, color coded, with different elasticities depending on the weight of the jumper.
After the weigh-in, they give you a color coded bracelet and you wait until they’re up to your weight class for jumping.
– Wait, watch other jumpers, admire how much your hand is shaking (seriously, I couldn’t hold it steady), ask the staff questions.
-When asking the staff questions, be prepared for at least two answers that will make you question the wisdom of jumping before you get a straight answer:
Guap: How often do you change the cords?
Jumpmaster: When they break…
Guap: How often do you guys jump?
JM: Are you out of your mind? This is dangerous!

The only question I asked that they didn’t have a one liner prepared for:
Guap: At what point should I throw up so I can bounce through it the most times?
JM: *blink* *grin* Oh yeah, you’re one of us!

The answer, by the way, is at the top of the first bounce. 2 to 3 splashes!

So after watching several others jump, including a girl that held on to the Jumpmaster for a few minutes before going (and shrieked through the whole thing) and a 14 year old boy who didn’t even hesitate, it’s your turn.

They strap you in.
You climb over a 4 foot rail onto a 2’x3′ platform.
They count to 3.
You hesitate. Swallow. Take a deep breath.
They start to count to 3 again.
You think “Well, this is what I came for”.
And in my case, with all the grace (and much of the appearance) of a spastic gazelle,

n o t h i n g…

(Insert gazelle noise here)

I was really surprised. Leaving the platform was easy. And the drop (191′ from bridge deck to stream) was fast!

My hair is magnificent.

And then comes the part everyone knows about – the bouncing.
In all honesty, this was the part that got me.
Going off the bridge wasn’t bad – acceleration kicks in, you’re whipping down astounded at what you’ve just done. Maybe you’re screaming something inane.
But then the slack is gone, the cord stretches and you’re catapulted back up. You come closer and closer to the top of the arc, all your movement slows down, and that’s when your brain turns back on.
And as every single one of my internal organs prepare to crowd their way into my throat, I realize that I’m going to go back down again.
So to brace myself, I grab onto the nearest thing.
Which is the cushion at the end of the cord.

The hands begin their death grip.

The hands begin their death grip…


Truly, the scenery around me was spectacular!

An idiot in Eden

And now that I had a death grip, I could bounce…happily(?) through it.

DEATH GRIP!!! *boing*

Looking through the pictures, I see the advantage of having long hair is that I can tell whether I was going up or down in any picture.

or sideways…But still magnificent!

Until finally, it came to an end.

A Guapo at rest really wishes he’d stayed at rest.

At this point, they lower another line, you clip in, and they pull you back up. Nice and easy.
It takes a few minutes to climb back over the rail onto the safety of the bridge, partly because all your limbs are jelly, and partly because your brain is too, and you don’t realize the Jumpmaster is talking to you.

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Oh, and the inane thing you might scream while you’re jumping?
Well, you’ll just have to listen and find out yourselves.

*No pants were pooped in the completion of this jump.
With extreme thanks to the photographer perched under the bridge for the photos, and The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe for the video.

And when in the greater Portland/Seattle area, check out for your own chance to joing the ranks of the courageously foolish!

All Day Mental Moment – Whee!!!

Today’s Music: Tori Amos – Big Wheel

WOOHOO!!! It’s time for a Mental Moment!
But this one isn’t just a moment – it lasts a whole day. And beyond, even!

Doin’ the happy birthday dance!

Maybe you’ve seen mental moments before. Maybe you’re thinking a proper mental moment should be all Veggie Tales and Batman.
Or maybe you just think Batman is hot.

But this isn’t that kind of Mental Moment. It’s a 24 hour Mental Moment! But you already knew that. Because you saw above where is says ALL DAY.

Ok, maybe you like the frivolous ramblings here. But maybe you like these moments with (3/7) more substantial thoughts, with substance and eloquence?

There, satisfied? Of course you are. Now before I get to the point, why don’t you grab yourself a cup of coffee and a donut? I’ll wait…

There, all set? Have you figured it out yet?
You did?
Did the clue in the title help you out?

Then you realize that we’re celebrating the anniversary of another trip around the sun for Lizzie Cracked, the Chief Articulator of Running Naked With Scissors! Whee!!!
That’s right – HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZZIE!!!, one of the coolest bloggers people on the planet!

But you already knew how cool she is. Over the last year, you’ve seen her brave posts about living as a bipolar, about raising kids on her own, about dealing with some truly ridiculous people who have a paucity of nice bones in their bodies.
You’ve seen her overcome challenges, embrace differences, and you’ve probably come to realize, like I have, that people are just people, and when you meet a good on (like Lizzie), well, that’s worth celebrating.
Even if they do occasionally torture you with Veggie Tales.

And it is my honor, and my privilege to call her a friend and wish her a happy birthday.
The world is a better place with her in it.

So join us in celebrating, with a scavenger hunt! Somewhere in this post is a clue in italics! and a number!
So go to the other blogs that are celebrating. Find all the words and put them in order in front of “” and go check out Lizzie’s birthday site, and wish her a Ridiculously Happy Birthday!!!

The rest of the clues are hidden here:
Buddha Kat
Writer Wannabe 763

They all put a lot of effort into making a great birthday treat for Lizzie. I know you’ll like them all!
But for those of you feeling really lazy, I suppose you can go right to the birthday site

And have a great day. Whatever your mental state.

Friday Foolishness – Breaking News Edition

Today’s Music: Jimmy Buffett – Coconut Telegraph

One day. That’s how long it lasted. We got home from Portland on Sunday morning. By the end of Monday (a day of work, chores and responsibilities), I was exhausted and drained again.
I need another vacation.
Fortunately, mini-breaks were provided in the form of blog posts!
Kayjai gave a great guide on how to tell if you’re too old for a hangover. Stacie put up her first political post about her buddy Paul Ryan, filled with great points!
For all of us working on our novel, Red put up a great opportunity. Bumba cut my liquor bill in half by explaining the meaning of life.
And No Blog Intended gave me a Sunshine Award! Probably because I’m a seething cauldron of nuclear explosiveness.
Well, maybe not. But if you aren’t reading her stuff, dude, you’re missing out.

Thanks to them and all the rest of you. It’s good to know that whenever I need a break from the real world crazies, I can always turn to you guys.

And after that, we can turn to what you said in last weeks poll. We asked how your autobiography should start.. Y’all have some interesting stories to tell! And apparently, several of you are Guapos too!
So here are your opening lines. As always, my comments are literary in italics.

All I ever wanted, in my unique oddball sort of crazy way, was to fit in. Lizzie
(Second line: And then I found wordpress!)
They call me Glumpy Shaver. Linda V
(Ah, but do they call you that to your face?)
[Dueling Banjos, at least the first 27 measures] – liveclay
(I hope that’s the only part of the biography that resembles Deliverance!)
Regrets, i have none, we did what we needed to do. John Phillips
(Soon to be a major motion picture, starring Jason Statham, Jean Claude Van-Damme, and Danny Devito as “Hoss”)
Last night I pooped my pants in public… again. Quirky
(Please tell me there won’t be a scratch and sniff edition.)
Just because they wouldn’t let me fly the last space shuttle, it didn’t mean …(Kanerva, I guess…)
Kanerva submitted the space shuttle comment!
(What an odd way to start a biography…)
You know you are in trouble when…Red
(It would be a much shorter book if it were “I was not in trouble when…”)
I’m almost ready to change my domain name to:
(I hope a dyslexic dog doesn’t beat you to it!)
You must be bored if you’re reading this.-lily
(Your book can replace SkyMall magazine!)
As soon as they pulled the donkey off of me, the midgets started doing crack. Hotspur
(A televangelist autobiography!)
I got your autobiography right here. Brain Tomahawk
(Don’t the edges of the bookcovers hurt stuffed in there?)
Bipolarmuse is the 1st of my personalities, allow me 2 introduce u 2 the others.
(Darryl and your other personality Darryl? (anyone??))
long long ago in a galaxy far far away…(SnB)
(Your story takes place in New Jersey in the ’80s?)
I’m really not as crazy as they say (Elyse 54.5)
(If you have to defend it…)
Oh God. *Sigh* What was I thinking?
(My autobiography has a distinct lack of thinking.)
It was the best of Guapos, it was the worst of Guapos – calahan
(, it was the Guapo of wisdom, it was the Guapo of (wait for it…) FOOLISHNESS!!! Dickens has nothing on us!)
ab·nor·mal/abˈnôrməl/ Adjective: Deviating from what is normal or usual, typical (Stay Abnormal, I’m guessing…)
(Is this Funks autobiography? Or Wagnalls?)
I wse a loleny byo? butimbeautiful
(Sounds like a great story, but fire your proofreader!)
I was born a poor black child.
(Subtitled: Steve Martin’s lesser known but cooler twin)
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was Kayjai time! KJ
(Pre-order now, and get free Hammer pants!)
There once was a man named Guapo (Frank)
(I get the feeling there’s going to be guano in this story too…)

Congratulations to Kanerva for winning this week’s poll! And from the offered choices, the most popular was It was a dark and stormy night. Because I guess a lot of readers live in the Pacific Northwest. Or London. So congratulations to everyone!

Which brings us around to this week. Blogger extraordinaire, President of Canadia, and all-around cool person, KJ is traveling to the land of sun and margaritas. That’s right, Florida will be hosting her and her entourage for a visit! So besides asking you all to be on your best behavior and carefully inventorying your drinking supplies, we want to ask you, what will be the big news from her visit? Jet skiing on along the beach? Annexing Disney World? Going for a delightful run with the alligators? You tell us.
Pick a headline, or report your own. But report soon, because this one closes at 2359 EST on Thursday, 23 August.
(As always, if you leave an “Other” answer with a way to ID you, I’ll link back to you next week.)

I hope you and yours have a great time, Kayjai!
And for all the rest of us – until she gets back – I leave you with these.

Last week’s “They Call Mr Tibbs” choice got me thinking about classic movies. Here’s the last scene of Casablanca, which I think stands up well against all the other classic scenes in that film.

And second, an excellent clip from Inherit The Wind, based on the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Have a great weekend, y’all. Next week, I’ll be putting up the bungee jump post, possibly with video, definitely with pictures.
And man, does my hair look magnificent!