Monthly Archives: December 2012

Friday Foolishness – Purposeful Edition

Today’s Music: American Bang – Move To The Music

A busy week – Angels! Christmas! Santa! Blogs!
Here’s a few of the great posts I read:
The Bumble Files took “drivin’ the road to christmas” to a new (and hilarious) extreme! Adair You showed us (with instructions) why she is the Queen of Napping, and in a more serious post, and Flies Over Nebraska put up one about fishing that isn’t really about fishing. But is a great, thoughtful read.

Thanks to them, and all of you, for a week of fun reading, on xmas stuff and so much more!
Last week, we asked about something it sounded like many would have enjoyed this past week – Naps! And there were some very strong (and occasionaly disturbing) thoughts about them. Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments are snuggled in italics.)

My blankie to hold against my cheek so I have sweet dreams! Benzeknees
(Blankie..? Wait – that was you on the bus?!?)
An orgy of course 😉 Androgoth
(In that case, you’ll want a nap first!)
Being a salaried sleeper. Red.
(Ah, so a gov’t job for you?)
A night of wickedness with Elvira Mistress of the Dark… Androgoth
(Are naps long enough to have nightmares?)
Sex, bacon, and sex involving bacon. And wine. – Hotspur
(If you’re like most guys, that’s just a prelude to the nap. And a BLT.)
Nutella. GiggsMcGill Jill
(Don’t you mean Napella, the dreamy stuff from which dreams are made? Or is that bourbon?)
Hanging from the chandelier crazy monkey sex. x, Becca
(I’d go crazy too having sex hanging from a chandelier. Nothing to brace yourself against…)
Sex with bacon flavored lube – Stuphblog
(Wouldn’t your pecker get caught in the top of the bottle?)
…and we have a winner! (haha I cheated)
(Everyone wins at Camp Guapola!
(Yeah, I said it.)

A nap followed by cookies! And apparently, I’m four years old. L&L
(You really should ask an adult for permission before coming here. And turn in any adult that gives it to you.)
Strong pain meds! (JohnE– Chicago Ballot Stuffer)
(I bet you need painkillers after stuffing yourself in a ballot box!)
Strong pain meds! (John E– Chicago Ballot Stuffer)
(Meds that apparently affect short term memory…)
Strong pain meds! (John E– Chicago Ballot Stuffer)
(Ok big fella, I think you’ve had enough!)
REALLY strong pain meds! All the dreams in a fourth the time! (John E)
(Exactly how strong are those meds , anyway?)
one that has sassy one-liners. “Oh nap!” – calahan
(That about (flannel) covers it.)
Two naps (Carrie Rubin)
A Hillary Clinton Coma of Convenience Linda Vernon
(I think the rest of gov’t will be adopting that strategy…)
The afternoon wine that precedes the nap. Elyse 54.5
(Start with morning wine. Trust me on this.)
Napping while cuddling a Panda – Becca 25tofly
(So that explains those bamboo pajamas…)
naps are for saps
(Hey, that’s MR. Sap to you!)
a nap with my kitty & my man ❤ (words&otherthings)
(Are you sure you’re thinking of naps when you’re all in bed together??
(What? Cats like attention.)

Come on, Guap! There is ONE thing….(Stacy)
(I thought we agreed to never speak of our affection for Andy Griffith…)
a nap in a hammock, someplace tropical. Alex: )
(In the Caribbean, I can get us a good deal on a hammock made of local…weeds…)
A second nap! KJ
Taking Guapo and his girl to Skyline Chili. (Frank)
(Do they have pillow on the menu?)

Congratulations to Carrie Rubin)\and KJ for what is honestly the perfect answer! And from the offered choices, the most popular was Is that a serious question???. God, I love you people!
And here we are at this week. The last foolishness of the year, the foolishness where we take all that has gone before, and tie up the loose ends in a nice little bow to bring it all to a head!
Or, we could just ask a stupid question.
Yeah, lets go with that!
In a few days, you all (possibly while drinking too much champagne) will shout out, as the calendar ticks over, your new years resolution.
Last year we asked What you resolved. And I think we all know how that turned out.
So this year, how about a “day after” question about those resolutions in the new year.
So resolve to answeroften, resolve to answer wisely (or not). But resolve to answer by 2359, 3 Jan, 2013, because that’s when this one ends.

So, I have no idea if I’ll post again before the end of the year. If I don’t, I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone for your company and friendship this year, and I hope every last one of you, all of you and yours, get everything you hope for in 2013!

And just in case you’re worried that I’m getting all maudlin and sappy, I leave you with these:
I think everyone should be able to marry, as long as their partner (of whatever race, creed, religion or gender) is willing. But for those of you who aren’t sure, this should be incentive enough.

An Adventure – The Naked Snow Angels

Today’s Music: The Fratellis – Look Out Sunshine

Note – Happy holidays to every last one of you. If we were hanging out enjoying each others company, when the topic sung around to white christmases, this is probably the story I’d tell.
So consider this a holiday laugh gift, and I hope you enjoy it!

*Disclaimer – The story below is as true as I remember it. But I was pretty drunk at the time.

So I’m in this bar.
It’s snowing like hell outside, a fresh layer of several inches on top of the inches already on the ground, for this particularly cold, white winter.
It’s me and Pat, the owner/bartender. We’re drinking pints and shots, trading stories, telling lies about the women (this was before TMWGITU).

They're keeping themselves covered to avoid seeing what's coming...

They’re keeping themselves covered to avoid seeing what’s coming…

By about 0030, we’re the only ones there, not even any stragglers wandering in, and the snow just keeps on falling.
“Want to walk down to Tracey and Don’s place?” asks Pat.
I think to myself. The snow is falling hard, but the wind is minimal. It’s a half a mile, about a ten or fifteen minute walk. I still have most of a pack of cigarettes.
“Sure, why not.” I answer, and down the road we head.

We get there. Tracey and Don are behind the bar, about two or three people in the bar, none of whom I know. They know me though.
“Guapo? Guapo…hey! You did those naked bar dances here! It’s great to meet you, man! I’ve heard those stories!”
Another of the patrons is a brunette girl, about 5’11”, college age. Not hammered, but she is definitely not on her first drink.
So Pat and I sit back, start talking with Tracey and Don, who, it turns out, have never heard the first naked bar dance story (I know, right?).
So, with the lure and softening of multiple free shots of Jaegermeister, I launch into a very animated retelling.
It’s a great story, and the group is laughing (with me) as I finish.
Tracey pours another round and says “I’ve never seen anything like that”.
“Sorry” I answer. “I’m not near drunk enough to do it again.”
“That’s alright” says Don, passing me another full shot. He looks at the girl. “Have you ever done anything like that?”
She starts laughing at him. “Oh my god, are you kidding?” She turns to me. “How drunk were you when you did that?”
“Too drunk to remember how drunk I was.” (Can you imagine I was ever single!)
“You could do naked snow angels!” yells Don. I look up at him. The girl laughs some more, as does everyone else.
We keep talking, drinks are flowing freely, and as happens, someone needs to go to the bathroom – the girl.
While she’s up, Pat comes over to me.
“You realize we have no interest in seeing you naked, right?” he asks.
“Thanks Pat. I’m both offended and relieved”, my usual answer when guys say things like that to me.
“But we want to see her do one, and if you do, she might too” he finishes.

Well, being one to sacrifice myself for the cause, I say that if she agrees, I’m more than happy to do it too.

She comes back from the ladies room. Drinks flow a little more freely, jokes, stories, laughter.
Tracey brings up the snow angel again.
The girl is still reluctant, but not as much.

More drinks (I’m pretty well wrecked at this point, and I know the 15 minute walk back will take me at least a half hour, with the weaving.

I don't care if it's my fault. I'm still blaming this.

I don’t care if it’s my fault. I’m still blaming this.

This goes on a little longer until I say
“I’ll do it if you will.”
She looks at me with a calculating expression. “Will you go first?”
“Sure. But once I do, you can’t back out. You know, embarrassment shared and all that.”
She thinks for a moment.

Jumping into a cold pool? Done it.
Run across snow to a hot tub? Fun.
Laying down in the altogether and flailing in frozen water? How on earth is that considered a good idea?

But seriously, it needed to be done if only to slow down the amount of alcohol pouring down my throat.

So I step up, kick off my shoes and jeans, my shirt and hat, my boxers.
But not my socks.
No idea why. Did I mention I was drunk?

And out the door I go.

I lay down, I wave my arms up and down, and yes, I open and close my legs. There is snow in places snow is not meant to be.
And there is naked in places naked is not meant to be.
And I learned that night, that if there is ever a speed snow angel competition, I’m a shoe in for the gold.

So I pop myself back up, stumble laughingly back into the bar (through the other laughing stumbling patrons), pull my coat (just my coat) back on, and drink my delightfully warm(er than me) beer.

The group comes back in, and now we’re waiting for her. She’s reluctant. Understandable – even in the pre-internet days, running naked around a bar is never a good idea. But eventually, she holds up her side.
She goes into the bathroom, strips down, then streaks down the bar, shoots out the door, does her angel and dives back in.

The whole place is cheering and applauding, and we’re all (including her) laughing our heads off.

She gets dressed. I start to pull on my clothes. Except the socks. Those I pull off. Because they were soaked.

I go into that bar a month later. Winter has lightened a bit, and that first hint of spring is in the air. But the bar is holding onto winter.
In the form of my socks.
Which are nailed to the wall with a commemorative “First Annual Naked Snowman” marker.

But it looks so pure...

But it looks so pure…

Even Better Than The End Of The World – The Beginning Of A Year

Today’s Music: Eric Clapton – Rock and Roll Heart

Back when I started blogging, I found a lot of the blogs I follow by reading the commenters on other blogs. Good comments led to a link click, and to some of my best online friends today.

Except for one guy. He was on a lot of the blogs I read, commenting, back and forthing with other comments. But his link was just a gravatar pic.
One of the first things I learned about him in those comments was that he loved goats (seriously).
I kept an eye on him. Because he’s weird.
Then one day, the blogosphere was awhirl. Atwitter. Agog, even!
After months of gentle berating and cajoling, this whackadoodle got his own blog!
But it wasn’t all things animal. For instance, he doesn’t speak cat. For goodness sake, he drove a Vega!

Vega! Don't laugh.
Well ok. But not too hard.

Vega! Don’t laugh.
Well ok. But not too hard.

But before you mock him too harshly, he’s one of the few I know who’s successfully used vomiting as a pickup technique. And there was a sci fi convention involved, so he’s got that in his favor too!

He has a deep knowledge of history, and important world events. But mostly the world wars.

Yep, John Erickson got hisself a blog.
And to go with it, he’s having a birthday.

A boy and his goat

A boy and his goat

Happy birthday John, and many more to come! Stay entertaining. Stay irreverent. Stay yourself.
I’m happy to just come along for the ride.

And they are too!
Doggy’s Style
A Frank Angle
Fifty Four and a Half
Life Of Jaimie
The Idiot Speaketh
Madam Weebles
WhiteLady In The Hood

Friday Foolishness – Beauty Sleep Edition

Today’s Music: Dire Straits – Solid Rock
Note on Today’s Music: Because if the world is gonna end, this is the song I want to go out on.

The gears keep turning (until the whole machine seizes. Right Mayans?!?). But until that happens, we’ve come around to another Friday. In lieu of the usual opening “look at how cool (and foolish) these people are!”, here are a couple of posts I saw during the week in response to the tragedy in CT.
A Gripping Life posted a great mental health primer. Momshieb wrote from her perspective as a teacher, and The Washington Post put up something about Mental Illness vs Mental Condition that is really important before people start running for pitchforks.
Because we’re angry.

Thanks to them and all of you for a very thoughtful week in the ‘sphere.
But far be it from me to keep from dragging the whole thing down to a fickle fight in the mud. Because the foolishness goes on! In fact, it was going on last week too, when we asked if you’d done your holiday shopping yet. Well procrastinators (and even worse, early birds!) now it’s time to see what you said! (As always, my comments are a bargain in italics!)

Yes! Your yellow lederhosen is in the mail! SnaapTHAT!
(There are laws against mailing hazardous materials…)
Well, erm I still need to shop for some handcuffs, edible paint and… Andro
(I thought for sure you’d have some emergency spares on hand…)
No gifts this year… I am celebrating “Grinchmas”~ Bipolarmuse
(You realize the Grinch adopted all the Whos at the end…)
Yes I have my Gothmankini but it’s so bleeding cold 😦 Androgoth
(You’ll fit right in. Blue and frozen (and mostly naked) is the new black and studded! (and mostly naked.))
I have personal zombies that shop for me now ~
(Tried that. Kept losing them in line at the food court.)
I’ll drink to that!!! (BK will always drink to anything)
(A round of drinks for a round of shopping. Very meta…)
I believe I’ll wait on the planet Apocalypter, wait for the BigBang 🙂 buddhakat
(Wow, that drink hit you fast!)
Mostly done, but Christmas is a drag when I just buy what I want anyway. Quirky
(Sorry, got distracted. Take it again from Christmas in drag please…)
I was waiting to see if the end of the world comes first. If SO,no need.
(I’ve seen Target on xmas eve. Definitely a sign of the Apocalypse.)
I already have a holiday…don’t need another one, thanks. WG
(But aren’t the holidays about getting and giving all sorts of crap we don’t need?)
As soon as I hydrate with a few more holiday martinis…
(Make sure you eat! Oh, wait, olives. nevermind.)
All my gifts are made from spit and duct tape. So yes. –Emily @ The Waiting
(How many people do you have to gag with duct tape to get enough spit?)
Yes, I always finish before Thanksgiving so that I can relax. (Stacy)
(There’s no relaxing during the holiday season!!!)
Why shop early when panicked procrastination shopping feels so good? –BettyRants
(The adrenaline rush makes it easier to grab that last Elmo.)
I’m gonna call in sick on the 25th and clean up on the 26th.
(That’s a grea- waitaminute. Is this Santa?)
Do you mean is my Amazon wishlist up to date? Of course. Red.
(If END THIS MADNESS!!! isn’t on the list, then no, it isn’t up to date…)
I didn’t realize we were supposed to be shopping for a holiday…. 😉 Michelle
(In that case, I’ll have to guess that you’re cable tv/radio/newspaper has been spotty FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS!!!)
I creep behind Santa’s sleigh & pick up anything that drops off – Benzeknees
(So who do you give all those drunken elves too?)
Yep. It only cost about $150 grand & I’m sitting in it now! (words&otherthings)
(Please tell me it’s a personal submarine!!!)
Dec. 26th baby, that’s the day for the best deals! GiggsMcGill
(I would think the fresh babies would be available September 25th…)
I’m a pagan, so my gift is film of me dancing naked in the moonlite! JohnE.
(Wow, usually I have to spend $9.99/month online to see something like that…)
No, waiting for the BRRAAAIIIINNNNSSSS!!!! Boutique to have a sale! lv
(You know you have to lick them to make sure they’re ripe, right?)
Does it count I refuse to buy for anyone I did not give birth to? Red
(I’m afraid to ask how long your shopping list is…)
No beer. Amaretto. Halloween? I was don for back to school. ~ Red
(If there’s no beer, I think you have more shopping to do…)
waiting until January when they mark the stuff down to almost nothing…(SnB)
(And when the prices more accurately reflect the item’s value!)
Shit. I have to shop? Elyse 54.5
(If you don’t shop, the terrorists win. Wait…sorry, wrong propaganda sheet…)
Not doing it this year, I picked up a fight with everybody. Saves money and time
(And they say the holiday spirit is dead!)
The world ends the 21st. I didn’t bother. – Stuphblog
(I’m planning on leaving the water running on the 20th. Hehehe.)
Yep. Online with a drink in hand. Suckers! KBar3
Nope, people shop for me, I don’t shop for them. x, Becca
(Yes, I’ve seen you listed on Amazon.)
Just waiting for the delivery guy in the yellow truck and lederhosen. (Frank)
(Sorry, what was your address again?)
I am the Queen of Internet Shopping – Addie
(But do you do the fandango? (Anyone? Anyone?)
I am waiting for Hubby to do that…wait. Crap. Thanks for reminding me! KJ
(Just like Santa Claus!)

Congratulations to KBar3 for this week’s winning answer! And from the offered choices, the most popular was Holiday shmoliday. Get me a beer. So congratulations to everyone who thinks like me! (And get help. I’m begging you.)

That was the last time I partied with an elephant.
But I've never slept so well since.

That was the last time I partied with an elephant.
But I’ve never slept so well since.

This week, the world is going to end! Wait – what do you mean it did already? WAIT!!! I’ve got to get into my pajamas!!!
So while I go change, you guys get this week’s question – about naps!

And until next time, enjoy these.
First off, a wondrous bending of the laws of physics!

And animals singing jingle bells!!!!

Have a great week everyone!

What Can You Do…

Today’s Music: Maura Kennedy – Chains

And here we are again.
To be honest I’ve read exceptionally little about the latest tragedy. I think I’m becoming inured to this kind of news.

Look over that last sentence.
I’m becoming inured. To stories of shootings. At schools.

How the hell is that possible?

Simple. The news of the shooting will be reported. It will be re-reported. It will be analyzed. Heartrending pictures of the victims will be shown, news conferences of grieving parents, footage of makeshift memorials filled with flowers, candles, stuffed animals will be shown.
And then, once the initial story is covered, the talking heads will come out. The Left heads will go on about how guns have no place in our society, and it’s the fault of the lobbyists for limiting regulation on them.
The Right heads will go on about he left is politicizing this in a callous use of politics during the tragedy. They’ll tell us that guns aren’t the problem, and that if one of one of the teachers had been packing heat, then this could have been averted, so guns are in fact the answer.

They’ll go around in circles. In the viewership, each side will say bad things about the other. The noise level will rise, and then subside, then fade away as we’re distracted by other things.
Until the next tragedy. And we’ll go around again.

So here’s my suggestion, for those of you who are against guns: Join the NRA.
I have absolutely no idea how long it will take, but just as the nature of political parties change over time, so do the nature of organizations.
Reform the the NRA from the inside. Membership is $35 a year. Not a lot of money, and worth if for a year or more experiment to see if we can change it from the inside.

For those of you who are against gun regulation, please explain how the overriding impetus of the NRA to protect gun ownership of any type of gun, with as minimal regulation as possible is a good idea.
This isn’t me taking a shot at you. I’ve fired guns.I enjoy it.
But I’d like to know how a drive to limit access (or increase screening/waiting periods) is a bad thing.
Even Freedom Of Speech, our most sacred amendment, has limits on it.


But our elected officials generally ain’t worth the ink their name was printed in on the ballot. And I have no idea how to start my own lobby or ramp it up to a degree where it’s listened to. If you have any ideas on that let me know.

I’ll be listening. After I’ve begun establishing a fifth column in the NRA.

Friday Foolishness – Get The Goods Edition

Today’s Music: Phantogram – When I’m Small

Summary of the week that was:
Cons – Cube Life. Crappy Holiday Music. Still looking for work.
Pros – Living with TMWGITU. The more relaxed spirit of the holiday season. And blogs!
Here’s some of what I read this week.
Natalie introduced us to her very cool sister. Hasty Words wrote some more great poetry, and and TwinDaddy asked a question we all have some kind of answer for.

Thanks to them, and to all of you, for making it a pleasure to be online!

It's the book that makes the ensemble.

It’s the book that makes the ensemble.

But that’s not all there was last week. There was a poll! We wondered how y’all thought El Guapo stayed so handsome.
And some of your answers were impossible, immoral, or downright illegal. And I loved every single one of them!
Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments strut down the runway in italics.)

Shopping for Cigars with Bill… Androgoth
(Better than shopping for dresses with him. (They end up stained…))
Taking Lessons from Andro… Androgoth
(I have been! Pay no attention to those binoculars across the street.)
Abstaining from Sex… Laugh Everyone that was a Joke… Androgoth
(Oh yes. A joke. Ha. Haha. Sob…)
Drinking Jet Fuel… The Killer Shot… Androgoth
(It’s not the drinking. It’s the keeping it down.)
Kissing Fifty Virgins on the Ass and Whistling Dixie… Androgoth
(It’s not the kissing so much as the getting slapped after. Does wonders for my skin!)
Bee stings and birds pooping on your face like Snow White & the Huntsman? Quirky
(It sounds so tawdry when you put it like that…)
Magnificent Hair of course! lindav
(I buy it by the yard from Petco!)
daily mud mask with secretions from David Bowie’s naughty bits. Rutabaga ~ (TMR)
(Isn’t all of David Bowie a naughty bit?)
Shit Glitter ! ~Miss R
(Only my butcher knows for sure what I eat to make my poop so sparkly!)
Posting pictures of some other guy. Elyse 54.5
(Yes! Yes, those are pictures of men I’m posting! *hides collection of Olympic Russian female weightlifter pictures*)
blogging! bungeejumping! being awesome! NBI
(The trick is doing them all at the same time…)
Oil of Olay John Phillips
(Wait – you mean it’s not just a food topping?!?)
Always stand next to someone who is uglier than you (family excluded) Michelle
(Trust me, family has learned not to stand next to me. Sadly, strangers learn it pretty fast too…)
Fastidious regime of unicorn polo and marshmallow laser treatments
(No, there was a regime change to overthrow the Weapons of Mass AWESOME!!!)
An apple from his Eve, and a call into Dr John the next morning+
(Given Dr John’s reputation, why exactly would I want to call him?)
Eating babies. (GiggsMcGill Jill)
(Actually, I like to steep them in gravy just to impart their sweet flavor!)
Beanz on toazt and on everything elze, too.
(Well, it’s true I’ve been accused of having beanz in my earz…)
It’s a toupee!!! Please say it’s a toupee. L&L
(It’s a toupee. Wow, it’s easy to make you happy.)
WHO??? OMG, you mean that devilishly handsome fella with not enuf space to say boo to even on the day after his (he’s HOW old) and to wonder who buddhakat is? Oh, I guess I don’t remember the guy – I used to visit his blog all the time then I got so busy, and now I’m baaaaaack!!!!! 😉 buddhakatvotes for EG!!!
(WE HAVE A WINNER!!! (If only for figuring out how to get past the comment length limit.)
He’s Dracula’s younger brother – benzeknees
(Fangs for noticing!)
The Baker’s Dozen ‘o Donuts in his Yellow Lederhosen –Miss R
(Those ain’t donuts, bab- oh wait, yes they are…)
He’s really from another planet – not mine. John E.
(That’s it, I’m telling the mothership to leave you behind.)
MEGA doses of Vitamin’s zannyrobut don’t tell anybody,lol
(Liquid vitamin cute. Sold under the street name “beer”.)
a happy and fulfulling life with his lady
(Now how can answer that snarkily? Oh right, because I’m me.)
intense marshmallow lazer therapy – Alex A: )
(The marshmallow makes my hair all sticky shiny.)
Drinking Hotspur juice! eeeww…(words&otherthings)
(No, but I’m now vomiting my bug juice.)
He probably gets Chinese baby pills from the black market. – Emily @ The Waiting
(Made in Korea! (no one will get that but you.))
photoshop Stay Abnormal
(Tried to capture my image. Broke the laptop camera.)
Nada, it’s in the sexy Rico Suave genes under his jeans. (Kina, humaninrecovery)
(There is nothing under my jeans. Hehehe.)
Good food and great beer! KBar3
(But the mediocre stuff is so much cheaper!)
Vampire blood–says Carrie Rubin
(Yikes! I’m glad vampires are the trend right now and not zombies!)
Photoshop – StuphBlog
(No, I just use the pictures that come with the frames.)
being in love with TMWGITU. Loving spirits are more beautiful – sandylikeabeach
(No no, I’m all about the outer beauty.)
Beer diet and extreme sports, or good genes or is it good jeans? (Kanerva)
(The jeans don’t fit from the beer diet. Wouldn’t. I mean wouldn’t fit. Crap. )
TLC from TMWGITU (Frank)
(…and bdsm. Hehehe)
By remaining young at heart and positively positive. KJ
(And more than just a little relaxedly relaxed!)
quarts of vasoline (addie)
(Gallons. Have you seen how long my hair is?)

Congratulations to buddhakat for this weeks winning answer! And from the offered choices, the most popular was BRRAAAAIIIINNNSSS!!!!! A fantastic post birthday present!

Which means, I guess, that it’s time for this week’s poll. I’m not so sure, because my head is spinning from all the gift shopping crowds stumbling through midtown. So this time, the question is all about the holiday shopping.
Answer when you have a moment, but don’t take too long, because this one ends at 2359EST, on 20 Dec.

And until we meet again, enjoy these.
In the spirit of the season, the first is one of TMWGITU’s favorites

And lastly, for those of you with enough time on your hands (I already know your senses of humor are bent enough), this is for you:

Have a great week, can’t wait til we run into each other again!

Travelin’ Man – Turkish For A Day

Today’s Music: They Might Be Giants – Istanbul (Not Constantinople)
Note on Today’s Music: This is the third appearance of They Might Be Giants as Today’s Music. More than anyone else!

Note on today’s post: As with all my alcohol related posts, this is only as true as I remember it.


Not the Turkey I went to.
More like the turkey I acted like.

Among the many things I’ve been lucky to do, I occasionally did pick-up work as a courier: check cargo in at the airport, fly with it to the destination, and deliver to the waiting party on the far side.
I did a few of these runs. This was the one to Turkey.

It started with a phone call:
Shipper: “Hey Guap, we need an airplane part dropped in Turkey. Are you free tomorrow?”
At the time, I was taking computer classes, with no gainful employment.
EG: “What time is the flight?

So I meet the shipper at the airport. I’ve got a decent size duffel bag. He hands me a box (an altimeter for a private jet), a phone number, and an envelope of money – my pay for the job.
I get on the plane for a ride to Turkey.

This was before 9/11, so the security was not soul sucking. Unfortunately, this was after the days of no smoking on international flights. But I was travelling alone, so I wouldn’t have to worry about breaking any friendships as my nicotine fits got worse and worse.

So umpteen hours later, I arrive in Turkey. I buy a phone card.
But can’t figure out how to use the phone.
The phone is next to an airport coffee shop that has comment cards on each table, in English and Turkish.
Friends, when you are around the world, as long as you can find a bilingual comment card, you too can translate enough to communicate with the nice girl at the coffee shop and learn how to use a phone!

So I get the pilot I’m supposed to deliver the altimeter to on the phone. He comes to meet me in the airport “Oh great, just what we needed! Get a room at this hotel, we’ll meet you in the bar later and go out on the town.”
One hour in Turkey and I know people. Woohoo!

So I go get settled at the hotel, take a quick nap and a shower, and head down to the hotel bar, Ricks American Sports Bar.

The pilot isn’t there yet, so I order a beer. And drink it. He still isn’t there, so I order another.
I’m half way through my third when he comes down and orders one.
I finish mine. He’s only halfway done with his. I order another.
(You see where this is going, right?)

The copilot comes down and orders a beer. “Great!” says the pilot. “We’ll finish these and head out!”

The mighty Bosphorous. No, I didn't see it.

The mighty Bosphorous.
No, I didn’t see it.

The copilot works on his beer. The pilot finishes his and orders another. Then me. Then the copilot.
It’s like doing rounds of Row Row Your Boat.

The pilot is telling stories about working for the Prince of the oil republic they fly for. The copilot is telling the pilot he’s drinking too much to fly tomorrow.
I’m laughing my head off because I’m on the other side of the world for one night.

Row Row Row Your Boat…

We’re finally lining up our intake. Within a beer or two, we should all be synced, and we’ll head out.

In walks the American businessman on his way home from Russia!
“English speakers! Great!” He joins us, and orders a beer.
And around we go again…

Relax. It's only worth a bag of pretzels.

Relax. It’s only worth a bag of pretzels.

Around 2 am (my flight is at 9), I stumble back to my room. I wake up the next day at 835, with jet lag and a case of beer stomping on my head.
And with an energetic “CRAP!!!”, I grab my stuff and run to the lobby. Where I find American Businessman has held the shuttle for me.

We get to the airport (basically a coffee shop with a reaaaallllly long road behind it) where we drink jet fuel sold as coffee.
And then wide awake, get on a plane for a 14 hour haul to Miami. (Don’t ask.)

After trying to explain to the customs guy why I was in Turkey for one night, I found a palatable cup of coffee, and sat in the parking lot of Miami International and chain smoked for three hours until my connecting flight to NYC.

And I even made it to class on time.

So on those rare occasions when Turkey comes up, with more pride than brains, I chime in, “Turkey? Been there.”