*Disclaimer – despite my recent finger wound, I was not on painkillers when I wrote this.
But you may want to be when you read it.
The EMTs stood over the frothing man.
He sat in front of a laptop, 72 MS Word documents open.
His eyes were wide.
He was gibbering.
He wasn’t wearing pants.
Yogurt from a tipped cup slowly oozed across the table next to him.
The EMTs looked at each other.
“Have you ever seen anything like this, Hank?” asked the first.
The frothing man shot up, sitting rigidly straight.
“IT’S THE WORST THING EVER, HANK!!!!” he shrieked before slumping back down.
Hank frowned, and picked up the half empty yogurt cup. He took a deep smell. His brow furrowed.
He gingerly dipped the smallest part of his pinky fingernail into the swirly goop, just deeply enough to catch a small bit on the tip. He lifted it up to his lips to taste the digit, his eyes widening as the flavor swirled over his tongue.
“Someone has added something as a doctor of the yogurt, Fred” he declared. “It’s…hyperbole!”
Fred gasped (only partly at the akwardness of the sentence construction).
“But that also means it’s about a week and a half old!” said Fred, remembering the Trifecta challenges schedule.
“Yes” said Frank, authoritatively. “We can’t help him. This man a needs a doctor!”
The man sat straight up again, pulling something shiny from below. He frantically worked it into the spilled yogurt, spreading it over the surface of the table…the laptop…his bellybutton.
Etched in the stainless steel, the words “The Doctor” gleamed in the light.
Hank shook his head. “Or a psychiatrist…”
Fred stepped back. “I do not want to know where he pulled that from.
But I bet it was bigger on the inside…”
(This week’s contest is community judged, so go check out their site, read some of the other great entries and vote for them.)
(Seriously.)
(It would be a travesty if I won.)
(hehehe)
Today’s Music: Oh, all sorts! See below… Note: I just needed to get this off my chest. It was annoying the hell out of me.
Driving back from a really good noodle place (I had the broad rice noodle soup with beef brisket stew. TMWGITU had the mei fun noodle soup with duck. Delicious!), wfuv (stream here) played a live version of Leonard Cohen singing Tower of Song.
Let’s listen, shall we? (It’s a bit long, but this is the same version that set me off tonight.)
Great.
No, not really. The lyrics are pretty good. The sentiment of the song, also pretty good.
Leonard writes a great song, but his performance ain’t worth a damn.
So how can you tell it’s a great song?
Watch this.
Toms live version gives the song depth. He wakes up the sadness, the experience, the pathos,and gives it voice. Leonard? Well. he sounds like he’s performing on buffet night at the I-66 Hilton.
(Even more poignant is this video version by time, which is even stronger. I used this as a “Today’s Music” shortly after I heard it.)
Still think I’m slandering a genius? Try this on – one of his most popular (and best) songs.
This time, we’ll start with the cover.
If you’re familiar with the song, you know it’s very poignant and moving. So moving, even Bon Jovi can’t screw it up. It’s a bit hammy, but still…
Here’s Leonard’s original.
Did you know if you show your ticket stub at the check-in desk, they give you a free continental breakfast?
None of this is meant to knock Leonard’s skill or talent. There’s a story I heard, perhaps apocryphal, that Leonard couldn’t get any traction as a poet, so he began setting his poems to music to get a wider audience. And it worked. Google “Leonard Cohen”,and you get a wealth of information – the artists he’s influenced, the impact his songs have had, the lives he’s touched.
And god bless him for that.
But I doubt it was his singing that did it.
I expect many of you will disagree vociferously in the comments.
What a week! Work, errands, chores, and to top it off, I chopped off a piece of my finger too.
So how does one distract oneself from the pain?
Why, by reading blogs of course! Here’s some of what I saw. Alex Autin showed me how my old commute wasn’t near as bad as our collective commute. I Thought This Would Be Easier may finally have time to pee, and and Helene Troy had some strong feelings about fat.
Thanks to them, and all of you, for a great week of reads!
What else was read? Well ,last week, a bunch of you read the poll, where we ask what you do the day after Valentines Day. And from the answers, love means many things to many people. Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments are ardent in italics.)
I hunt down a good bone 🙂 Wolf (Say it with me, everyone: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!) If I had a Valentine like that I wouldn’t need the talcum powder…. ~Miss R (I like the talcum with the added rash powder. Ahhhh…) Have a good long rest 🙂 Gray Dawster (Takes a while to get over the embarrassments…) Spend hours trying to find somewhere to put all my cards 🙂 lol Gray Dawster (Don’t lose them. Like I did my marbles…) Need More Chocolates 🙂 Gray Dawster (A box of chocolates hides a multitude of sins! (And the wrappers hide the bodies…)) Take down last years xmas decorations, and start putting up next year’s. B_T (If you leave the tree til easter, maybe it will be resurrected! (Too soon?)) Just keep drinking…~Amy @BettyRants (Oh, I don’t need a holiday for that!) realize that my “subtle” hints to my husband for gifts would work better if I paid for commercial time on the Golf Channel ~whatimeant2say (Only if you want a polo shirt. Or a putter…) just to clarify, the last two were from me, ~whatimeant2say (Yay, moment of clarity!) and probably should be put together ~whatimeant2say (like peanut butter and chocolate! And tequila…) because they really make no sense if split apart ~whatimeant2say (Trust me, things stopped making sense here a loooong time ago…) ok. I’ll stop now. ~whatimeant2say (Wait! I had a good comeback on the way! Really! Hmph.) started planning for Christmas because ya can’t commercialize too early. Elyse 54.5 (I’m selling t-shirts with that exact same message!) Mow down crowds at the drug store for 50% chocolates (Madame Weebles) (Don’t forget your rewards card – 2 for 1 points for each screaming kid!) finally leave the house again, open Internet, open my eyes. NBI (Cupid saw you while you were sleeping, He saw you while you were awa- Wait, no- wrong holiday.) have gained a pound from all the candy (nicolemarie) (Just a pound? Slacker!) Allowed hubby to describe all the pics in the SI Swimsuit Edition to me. ~Maddie Cochere (I’m not sure he’s looking at the swimsuits…) Sneak to the store to buy my own chocolates at 1/2 price! benzeknees (Watch out for Madame Weebles! (She’s the crazy one with the lawnmower.)) Make a paper-chain to count down until next Valentine’s Day. (Undercover L) (Make the chain from old Valentines Day cards!) resolve to have at least one body to bury next V Day. butimbeautiful (Wait til the Christmas sales. You’ll find plenty. That deserve it.) Show my man how much I love him in addition to every day of the year. Michelle (WE HAVE A WINNER!!!) great day to buy next year’s valentines day card…at half price (SnB) (But what if the sentiments change by next year?) Realize I have a gigantic food baby. At least it’s not a real baby! – Lily In Canada (Wait – real babies aren’t food?!?)
(No, I didn’t just say that…) there was a Valentines Day? Damn I missed it again (JackieP) (You were caught up in the Presidents Day excitement too!!!) take my undergarments from my purse after the long walk of shame (Is it more shameful if they’re someone elses undergarments? Asking for a friend…) Bodies? I ground the bones to make my pancakes. Trick Q? ~Red (Can’t wait to hear your syrup recipe!) Laugh at the chick whose first date overran her second & went home alone. Red. (Why didn’t she hit on the ambulance driver?) It isn’t the bodies I mind cleaning up… it is the assorted fluids… PMAO (Those chocolate fillings are a bitch to get out of leather boxers…) I get to go out for my Valentine’s Day dinner. (The Bumble Files) (Leftover heart shaped desserts! Half off!) Swept the remains of my broken heart from the floor. Twindaddy (“A Honey Boo Boo Valentine” has that effect on me too…) Am oh so happy it’s Friday. Over this week. Quirky (That’s how I feel every week…) Rutabaga: put away the trapeze equipment before the family visits (But wouldn’t they all enjoy a ride in- Ohhhhhhhh…) Change the sheets. You know because I rolled around in chocolate. KBar3 (Is that what the kids are calling it these days?) What? It was Valentine’s Day? Carrie Rubin (But according to my Hallmark calendar, it’s the most important day of the year!)
Congratulations to Michellefor this weeks winning answer,and keeping love and romance alive all year long! And from the offered choices, the most popular was “Make delicious recipes. With the bodies.” Because y’all don’t wast anything! (except the time spent here!)
Oscar as a young man. (He was a rebel before he became the establishment.)
This week,we’re polling again on the topical events of the week. Because we’re lazy. (And couldn’t figure out a good “bloody appendage” poll.)
So butter your popcorn and fill your 70 oz soft drink! And cast your ballots in this weeks poll. But do it by 2359 on 28 Feb, because that’s when this one ends. (If you leave a way for me to recognize you in your answer, I’ll link back to you next week.)
That about wraps it up for this week. And in parting, enjoy these.
First, the theme song from a piece of cinema veritae that won NO awards.
I know, I can’t believe it either!
And finally, since both Easter and Christmas were referenced above, what the hell, lets throw in some of the devil.
Have a great week y’all. See you on the bounceback…
The weekend challenge from those most enlightened souls ever at Trifecta is to demonstrate hyperbole in 33 words.
Since it’s all about going over the top, I thought I’d try it not once, not twice, but three, yes, three magically wonderful spectacular times!!!!
(Good lord, now I can’t stop.)
One thing on the last piece – I actually did ask myself that question.
My gesticulating, however, was mild.
I’d Give My Left Arm To Tell Stories Like This…
“If we don’t finish this now, the world will end!” he shouted.
“Whatever”, I answered. “I’m going to sit down and take a break.”
I made it five steps before the planet exploded…
I’d Give My Right Arm To Tell A Story Like This!!!
My grandpa used to tell me incredible stories about how hard it was to complete the trifextra challenges. But he did it.
Walking uphill.
In the snow.
Barefoot.
In the dark.
Both ways.
THIS STORY WAS WRITTEN WITH NO ARMS!!!!!!
“Can it be called hyperbole if you are accurately describing the thing you’re talking about?” he asked, gesticulating wildly.
His friend paused.
He turned.
He spoke.
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Thank you, and please consider this my formal apology for inflicting this on you.
*UPDATE: Because I’m a jackass, I closed the poll at the wrong date.
If it shows as closed, give it a few minutes and it will reopen.
Another week done, and another Friday to be foolish. I spent a couple of days off-line and am still trying to catch up on all the posts I missed. Which isn’t to say I haven’t seen some great stuff already! Becca, at 25 to Fly, introduced us to her blog. Beth Ann told us about her giveaway, with a cause! Benzeknees had some great tips for surviving panic attacks. And Raising The Curtain gave us fashion parenting tips.
(Despite not having kids, if Raising The Curtain and Lorre ever give parenting classes, I’m there!)
Also, the hilarious and very inspiring Sooz honored me with a Very Inspiring Blogger Award! (Because the check must have cleared…)
Thanks to them and everyone else for keeping me properly entertained this week! But what of last week? Well, last week, we celebrated the joys of pancake dressing. Or, more specifically, what do you like to put on yours? Apparently, the places I go have very uncreative menus. Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments are drippy and sticky in italics.)
Robbie Williams covered in Nutella –Raising The Curtain (That’s more covered than he is this!)
(kind of disgusting, but I think it's hilarious.)
Leftover Cherries from last nights orgy 🙂 Oops none left… Gray Dawster (I hate when guests eat all the frui- Ohhhhhhhhh…) Jam, Cheese and Bacon 🙂 Gray Dawster (Wasn’t that a 70s supergroup?) brandy, sugar and orange juice -crepes suzettes! MBT (I only use one Suzette in my crepes. Too rich otherwise.) Pickles and a pancake bun..hold the mayo zannyro (You’ve left me speechless. And hungry.) A tiny dolphin, “see you on the flipper side.” Get it? by Live Clay. (You made that pun on porpoise!) sweat & shame as I stuff my face (words&otherthings) (Don’t forget to drizzle on some delicious salty tears!) Ummm….bacon….was that a trick question? (polysyllabicprofundities) (I’d turn tricks for bacon!!!) (Wait – no, forget I said that.) (*crap*) bacon (That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it.) Waffles and french toast. It’s just good sense. (Madame Weebles) (The turducken of breakfasts!) A yummy treat of course 🙂 Now all I need to do is find her… Gray Dawster (I think her name is Suzette…) Bacon and sausage Surprise 🙂 NO… Don’t Ask – Gray Dawster (But is it enough to be filling?) 😉 Regret and shame. (It’s the self loathing that makes it delicious!) Powdered sugar, frosting, sugar, more syrup and then more syrup. – Hotspur (And a nice layer of insulin to finish it off!) I prefer French Toast with real Canadian maple syrup! benzeknees (You know it’s made in Vermont, right?) Ooh, Nutella! … Wait, no. Cheese! … No, Nutella. Definitely Nutella. (ODNT) (If Nutella makes a spreadable chocolate cheese, they’ll take over the world…) Ewww. No syrup. Jelly. Or butter and sugar when I was a kid (Elyse 54.5) (Because putting it on a kid would just be silly.)
(hehehe) I don’t top my pancakes with anything. They are a topping for my Nutella. –Lily In Canada (Brilliant! Stick the pancakes to the plate so you have to exercise to get them off!) Hamburger Helper ~whatimeant2say (WE HAVE A WINNER!!!) A napkin to soak that shit up! Lorre (Articles of Absurdity) (Dose of Justice) (Oh, sleeves aren’t good enough for you?!?) M&M’s, of course! ~Maddie (more & more?) butt floss… x, Becca (You know we’re talking about pancakes, right?) Gobs and gobs of delicious Friday Foolishness! lindavernon (Careful – that’s been known to cause frizziness in laboratory camels.) Pecans and more pecans! (Stacy) (That’s just nutty…) I truly prefer to wrap pancakes around something substantially meaty. ~Red. (And here I was thinking Gray Dawster did all the innuendo in these…) Sparklebumps (Woah! That’s even stickier than syrup!) My face. Because NOM. — Ashley, Etc. (Cannibalism never tasted so good…) PMAO… my face (Please tell me that’s after you pour the syrup on…) Butter, peanut butter, syrup, macadamia nuts, and… love. 🙂 Quirky (I see pregnancy hasn’t affected your appetite…) I’m a purist – Butter, Maple syrup and a side of ice cold milk. Grippy (I’m a lunatic. I prefer to pour the milk on top.) A good old helping of “Mom! Brother won’t stop looking at me!” (UndercoverL) (Ashley and PMAO may have ways for you to dispose of pesky brother.) Friday Foolishness, of course! It’s soooo GingerLicious! (Flattery will get you everywhere!) Pancakes are manna from a frypan. (Mancakes…I’m intrigued…) I’m a recovering pancake addict. Pancake Anonymous meets annually on National Pancake Day. Michelle (At an IHOP?) Lipitor – Twindaddy (I like to dissolve my pills in the lard I cook with…) hot, hot, hot FRESH maple syrup and lotsa butter… buddhakat (Skip the pancakes. That sounds delicious all on its own!) mmmmm…. real whipped cream… lick lips now… buddhakat (I’m not sure you’re still talking about pancakes…) Joey Ramones sweaty leather jacket ~ Rutabaga (Probably not the weirdest thing that’s been in it. Besides Joey.)
Congratulations to whatimeant2say for this weeks winning answer! And from the offered choices, the most popular was MORE PANCAKES!!!, so congrats to everyone who’s sitting behind a stack of ’em too! This week, the big event was that commercialistic phenomenon Valentines Day, wherein love was reduced to an equation of how many of those damn Jane Seymour Open Heart commercials they can possibly cram into a normal tv viewing hour. (At least in the US.)
Since today is the day after, that’s what our poll is concerned with.
Answer soon, answer often, but answer before 2359 EST, on 21 Feb, because that’s when this one closes.
(And if you leave a way to tell who you are in an other answer, I’ll link back to you next week.)
And until next time, enjoy these.
First, continuing with yesterdays semi-rant, Ron White, with some great dating advice
And Wanda Sykes. Just because she’s funny.
Have a great week, y’all. See you on the…flipper side!
Guapola 