Worst. Theme Park. Ever.

Today’s Music:
Tom Petty – Runnin Down A Dream

Windowless. So the fun can’t escape.

The fun starts in the parking lot! Grab a ticket. Drive up towards the guy who presumably works there. (The “Attendant” jacket is a clue.) Then find out that he either doesn’t, or doesn’t care. Find four spots. See that the other idiots have parked in two spots at three of them.
Wedge your way into the fourth spot.
Success!
Now the real fun begins.
The attendant at the DMV actually does pay attention. Unlike the old days, there is a kiosk. Tell the nice man what you want, and he’ll tap the correct key and a ticket will spit out, with a number.
If you’re really lucky, he’ll even have the form you need!

So I get my ticket and fill out my form. Then I wait. And wait. And wait.
Finally they call my number! I go to the window and tell them why I’m there. They say great! Make sure when we call you back, you stress what you’re here for, even if it’s me. Because I certainly won’t remember. Oh, and your wife can’t wait with you.
(Fortunately, I thought there might be waiting and asked her to bring her book.)
(Which she’d have done anyway.)
(God, I love that woman!)

So I sit.
And wait……..

Eventually, they call me again.
I sit down to take my test.
Twenty questions.
Over half of them are about driving and alcohol. I’ve been driving for over twenty years. I answer those questions easily.
Two of them are on road signs. I guess. Seriously, does anyone actually read the signs, or do we all just check the shape and color? Three of them are motorcycle-specific. I did study, so I answer those carefully and correctly.

Hand in the test, and…wait!
Sigh.
To recap: Enter, get a number ticket, sign in, take the test and hand it in.
Time to do this: 18 minutes.
Time spent at DMV so far (including waiting): 107 minutes.

Annnnnny Daaaaay Nowwwww…………….

I’m now waiting for them to grade my test and call me up to sign the form and tell me if I passed.
There is a woman doing this with a trainee. The two of them are having a grand old time, laughing and telling each other stories. In twenty minutes, four applicants are processed.
The trainee gets up to get another chair. He leaves the woman at the counter by herself for 9 minutes. Six more applicants are processed.
My turn!!!
“Did I pass?”
She looks back at the form.
“You did. 100%. First one on the motorcycle exam today. Now, sign here, and wait for your name to be called at the register.”
YIPPE– crap.

And I (sing it with me!) wait…

Finally they call me to pay.
“Can I use cash”
“Mumble mumble”
“Ok…how much do I owe you”
“mumble mumble”
“Sorry, how much?”
“TWENTY TWO FIFTY.”
I drop my money on the counter.
She makes change and hands me my permit.

Three hours after I arrived, I leave the DMV.

Next is the Motorcycle Safety Foundation two day course.
At least that ride has seats.

Hey, if Marcia could learn to not break the egg…
(Please tell me you get that reference,)

This is not madness. THIS. IS. FOOLISHNESS!!!

Today’s Music: PJ Harvey – One Time Too Many

Thank. God. I thought I’d never make it this far into the week. Ridiculously busy at work! Rough commute! It snowed!!! Sheesh! Good thing I had blogs to get me through. Here’s some of what I saw…
Susie Lindau Smooshed Her Boobs. DJ Matticus’ Prince fought a Great Battle! And WhiteladyInTheHood had a run-in with…well… Bunny Tails. Sort of.

Thanks to them and everyone else for a whole lot of great reading this week!

Wrong. For ANY gender.

But last week, sex was on everyones minds. Especially when we asked about turning into the opposite sex. And wow, did you people have some interesting thoughts on the subject. (Seriously, get help!) Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments are androgynous in italics.)
Figure out if it’s really all that hard to aim into the BOWL (Samara)
(Of course it isn’t. Sinks are wide! Oh..waitaminute..)
Words can’t describe the assault I would lay siege to my new apparatus (Samara)
(For that, grunts are better than words.)
Say feck loudly and in a deep voice, while scratching my balls :-\ Indecisive Eejit
(RuPaul? Is that you?)
make sure the snozberries still tasted like snozberries. thematticuskingdom
(That’s the last time I’m checking Urban Dictionary for definitions.)
immediately steal The Queen’s title. thematticuskingdom
(CATFIGHT!!!)
check the calendar to see if it was some sort of Freaky Friday. thematticuskingdom
(Doublecheck that it isn’t 1976.)
Poke someone… Yes of course with my finger 😉 lol Andro
(Whew! Because you can take someone’s eye out with those other things!)
Flirt a lot more than usual, hey I’m kidding 🙂 Andro
(What is more than an “infinite” amount?)
Slap myself twenty times… Shouting get me out of here – Andro
(Two men enter. One man…umm…nevermind)
prove that men can have multiple orgasms. Aussa Lorens
(We don’t because of the dehydration risks.)
Finally be able to kill my own spiders. The Sailor’s Woman
(Well that’s not taking very good care of your pets…)
become a militant feminist and chide my former self for intense dumbness (Trent)
(WE HAVE A WINNER!!!)
Fart and blame it on the dog, yell at the TV and pretend to fix stuff. Kayjai
(Even better if you don’t own a dog!)
Listen to the song “If I were a boy” by Beyonce? #WeirdIKnow
(So…bad taste in music regardless of gender?)
Slap myself across the face repeatedly just so I could wake up from this horror
(So you’re still into that, regardless of gender?)
take a duckface selfie (Stacy)
(At least you’ll be able to hide it behind facial hair.)
scream
(Like a little girl?)
wear kilts and suits! NBI
(You can get a mankini. Good for any gender!)
have serious balls. (Nadia)
(If you’d grown up with them, they’d probably be more playful…)
Do a pee, leave the seat up and think HARD about WHY I do something so annoying! Miss Lou
(Or revel in doing it the right way!)
Be dumber than I was before I went to sleep Elyse 54.5
(Yes…but you wouldn’t care!)
Scratch myself in public and then spit on the ground in front of myself
(Hmm…not sure which gender you’re changing to…)
get a big set of fake boobs!! SnB
(Oh, I have a pair of those mounted on the wall.)
(Zoe) Wonder why I had a man in my bed
(Because if he were under it, it would lead to a whole lot of questions…)
(Zoe) I would have a new toy to play with.
(Careful it doesn’t go off while you’re cleaning it…)
Be boring as hell! SnaapyG
(We prefer to think of it as “being introspective”.)
Find out which organ I really think with… (Gretchen, drifting through.com)
(No thinking involved.)
(With either of them.)
…be glad to give my brain a break from doing all the thinking. (Miz Yank)
(Or start thinking about important stuff!)
Make my husband, 37, get a sex change — Linda Vernon
(Just don’t let him do it with his own tools!)
In my best Corleone way I would yell out “I GET TO ACT LIKE A MAN” Marie Nicole
(I thought every man acted like a boy?)
play with my new boobies… Twindaddy
(You wouldn’t return them when you changed back, would you.)
earn 20 cents more on the dollar and never again wait in line for a restroom!
(Wait in line? We just pee outside when it’s crowded.)
PMAO… be glad I have long, sexy legs.
(Nono, this is after the sex change.)
still write about my naughty bits – Rutabaga
(What, no video?)
Refuse to answer the question for fear of reprisal. (Frank)
(If these polls have taught me anything, it’s that there are no right answers.)
Enjoy peeing standing up. (Deanna)
(Why not? I often enjoy it then! Or while walking…)
see if scratching my junk is all that it’s cracked up to be. Polysyllabic Profundities
(Once you scratch junk, all else is…bunk!(?))
Relish having one thought at a time. Bliss! – Sandy Mitchell
(Mmm…relish…)
I would never reduce myself to a single orgasm entity. – Sandy Mitchell
(There’s an amoeba joke in there somewhere…)

Congratulations to Trent for this weeks winning answer! (And we hope he uses his prize to work out his issues.) And from the offered choices, the most popular was still look great. So congratulations on all the self confidence!

This week, Easter is coming right before Passover leaves. But instead the end of the weekend, this poll is about what happens at the beginning. Good Friday! What could be better than that.
Well, that’s what we’d like to know.
Answer often, but answer soon, because this one closes at 2359 EDT on Tuesday, 22 April. Try and keep yourself to three Other answers if you do write-ins, and if you do leave an Other, add a way to recognize you at the end, and I’ll link back to you next week.

And since the new Captain America is out (good flick. Stay til the end of the credits.), enjoy this as we head into the weekend.

See you…out there.

An Odder Week Than Usual…

Today’s Music: The Offspring – The Kids Aren’t Alright

So here’s the latest from my corner of the world…
– My boss of the last several years has quit. His last day is this week.
I had a conversation with my new boss. I asked who was my backstop if an issue comes up that I can’t deal with. His response was to kick it along the line to the people taking over. So, great that it isn’t my responsibility, but I’ve spent the last several years with my company before we were bought.
From what I understand, there hasn’t been much of a brain dump from my boss to the new overlords. Which means all the institutional knowledge my boss holds is about to walk out the door.
I don’t mind change, and we have a great product, now under the umbrella of a multinational company, so it can be taken that much farther. And it would be nice to stick around and grow with the new company.
Plus taking a new job is always a pain in the ass. but I’m still waiting to see if we’re all just interchangeable cogs in the machine, or if this is actually an environment I feel like coming to daily.
Jury is still out on that…

Mine is the one that stands out.
Obviously.

– After reading stories from CurvyRoads and REDDog, as well as a ton of great pics from Gray Dawster, I’ve decided to actually go and get my motorcycle license. Hopefully, I’ll have my permit soon, then it’s off to the Motorcycle Safety class and a whole bunch of riding lessons. I had an old Suzuki GS 750 decades ago, but never got around to getting a license. I figured this time I’d do it properly.
My wife, (The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe), is still very against me getting a bike (NYC driving is a full contact sport), but I’d like to be able to rent when we’re in more motorcycle friendly areas.
Plus riding a bike down the Pacific Coast Highway is on my list of things to do.

You know what would look good on this?
Me.

– I still haven’t heard from Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I can only guess that they are trying to sort through the list of all the kids that want to hang out in my awesomeness. I’ll follow up with them later this week and see where that stands.

My work is halfway done already…

– The model railroad looks a bit like a cross between Three Mile Island, and the Manhattan High Line railroad before they turned it into a park: a mess.
I’m trying to decide whether to just rip up and re-lay all the track, or strip it down to the wood and start again. Either way, I really need to learn how to solder.
If anyone knows any good tips or instruction sources, I’d really appreciate it.

Clearly, I’m modeling the latest tsunami/earthquake/nuclear explosion.

– I took today off (late night last night), and Friday is a day off too. More time with TMWGITU!
Woohoo!

And around it goes…

How’s your week looking?

And Goodnight, Mrs. Foolishness, Wherever You Are!

Today’s Music: Brody Dalle – Don’t Mess With Me

Once more, unto the weekend! Last weekend, I had my Big Brothers/Big Sisters interview, which was an awful lot of questions. Presumably I’ll hear back from them soon. Also spent a great day knocking about with TMWGITU – always fun! Throw in a little live music, and it wasn’t too bad of a week.
Oh, and I got to read blogs! Here’s some of what I saw:
Lance Burson wrote about Changing Music. Dawn posted about facing down Shame, and Linda Vernon gave us the biblical origins of Goat Hotcakes.
All in all, a very satisfying week of reading, from them and all of you.

But last week, we asked you for the most satisfying thing on TV – the next great reality show. And wow, are your realities stranger than fiction! Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments are getting their fifteen minutes in italics.)
The Farmwives of Hot Coffee, MS~~Addie
(Watch as they consider moving to the sunny side of Two Eggs, FL)
My Cat Meme Addiction (Nadia)
(While you google them, you can haz cheezburger!)
Housewives of Whoville – Linda Vernon
(On a heartwarming episode, they all adopt Horton.)
Are You My Brother/Sister? Amy R.
(You’re going to put Maury Povich out of a job…)
Gene Pool: Make Your Own Baby Amy R.
(Watch as these artisans hand-create what the rest of us just order online.)
brickhousechick: “Naked & Fried” follow the life of a naked tan man…
(Now I know why that camera van is stalking me…)
Stacy’s Living Room Revelations (Stacy) ha!
(On the Thanksgiving episode, Norm realizes he can carve the turkey from the couch!)
experienced by turning off the TV. sandylikeabeach
(WE HAVE A WINNER!!!)
How I Learned to Play the Harmonica with my Nose
(With very special guest, Stevie “The Shnoz” Wonder.)
Duckface Dynasty
(Tonight, Darlene cleans the bathroom before snapping a selfie in the mirror!)
Life With The Hotspurs
(Hotspur and wife both dress up as Miyavi. But who’s prettier?)
Confessions of the Chick-Fil-A Cow – Curvyroads
(The truth will turn all four of your stomachs.)
Real Red(State)Necks of North Georgia – Curvyroads
(In the episode that changes everything, Dwayne’s “Mom” tattoo is misspelled right before he starts his run for Senate.)
Bloggers Reveal How to Keep Yourself from Growing Onto Your Computer – Benzeknees
(On the season finale, Benze catches a virus from her PC.)
“DYIs: Hipsters On the Loose” KBerrios
(Hipsters go dumpster-diving, then redecorate one lucky person’s house!)
Or, the actual un-dislexic version, “DIY: Hipsters on the Loose.” KBerrios
(Hey, they were misspelling on teh internet be4 it was kewl.)
a show about me… trying to get on this blog… PMAO
(Watch as PMAO’s account is shut down for spam.)
(Again.)
Pork Dynasty: Swamp Pigs
(Bringing home the bacon. One bucket of mud at a time.)
Your question implies there was a 1st “great” reality show. Elyse 54.5
(WE HAVE ANOTHER WINNER!!!)
Real Bloggers At Home (SilkPurseProductions)
(Wait – bloggers are real people???)
Zoe:How the rest of the world survives Hawaiian Shirts
(Spoiler Alert: There’s a lot of rum involved.)
The Life and Times of Guap. (thematticuskingdom)
(That’s better suited for a PBS slot in the early am hours.)
(When everyone is asleep.)
My Child Thinks They are a Vampire. (thematticuskingdom)
(Wow, that…sucks.)
Following a $20.00 bill as it changes hands and opens doors.
(Isn’t that the entire schedule of Fox Business News?)
Mine was the $20.00 reality show – Susie Lindau Duh!
(And here I was expecting the $1,000,000 idea.)
Stop! Or my mom will shoot. (thematticuskingdom)
(Settle down there, Palin jr.)
Turning Brony: A trip deep inside the bowels of Bronyism. *NancyTex
(Those colorful, colorful bowels.)
The Secret Lives of GIF Makers
(Feel the drama – one flashing frame at a time!)
Real Villains of Gotham City – Thing Two aliceatwonderland
(Doesn’t our gov’t get enough media coverage already?)
IBS Unleashed – Rutabaga
(On tonights episode, Bill…toots…his own horn!)
Buckaroo’d! A show about zoophiliacs ditched at the alter by their horses – Joe Hoover
(I’d like to think that show has a small audience. But it’s probably huge…)
I Peed My Pants While Watching Sex Sent Me To The ER – Twindaddy
(Sponsored by Depends Undergarments.)
Twilight Sent Me to the ER- “Thing One” aliceatwonderland
(Spinoff of “50 Shades sent me to the Proctologist”.)

Congratulations to sandylikeabeach and Elyse 54.5 for this weeks winning answers! (Catch the behind the scenes action of their acceptance on “Accepting Inane Awards“, this week on TLC!). And from the offered choices, the most popular was I Wore The Foam Burger Suit at McDonalds. So congratulations to everyone self confident enough to admit they did that.

This week, spring is very much in the air, including the birds! And the bees! So obviously, it’s time for a sex-related poll. And you don’t even have to worry about catching a disease from this one! (Carefeul, Benze.)
Answer often, but answer soon, because this one closes at 2359 EDT on Tuesday, 15 April. Try and keep yourself to three Other answers if you do write-ins, and if you do leave an Other, add a way to recognize you at the end, and I’ll link back to you next week.

And since the poll wasn’t really about sex, enjoy this video that isn’t quite about sex either.

Have a great week everyone!

Friday Fictioneers: Magic

Today’s Music: Edwin Star – War

And if you can, please help out Merbear. Just click The “Save A…” link on the left..

Every week, Rochelle Wisoff Fields posts a photo, and challenges her readers to write 100 words (ish) inspired by the picture. This week’s picture is from D. Lovering at 40 Again, and it’s followed by a story exactly 100 words long, with a beginning, a middle and an end.
(I figured since it’s my first time, I should follow the rules.)
Click over to her site to read some other great entries, and maybe leave your own!

copyright – DLovering

They entered the canopy and the air smelled cleaner, the laughter of children around the square louder and more vibrant.
The man in the suit turned to their guide.
“Odd decoration for the entrance to a missile defense, isn’t it?”
The guide smiled. “No entrance. This is it.” He whipped out a handgun, pointing it at the man, who barely had time to cringe before the trigger was pulled.
The bullet dribbled from the barrel, bouncing harmlessly off the pavement.
“H-how…?” sputtered the man in the suit.
“The magic of the Maypole”, answered the guide. “Don’t you believe in magic?

All criticism is welcome. Hell, since you’re reading, it’s in your interest to help me write better. 😉