Friday Foolishness – Edible Edition

Today’s Music: Alana Davis – Reaper
Note on Today’s Music: A brilliant cover of a great song. The rest of her stuff is pretty good too. Hope you enjoy it!

Friday again at last. Where did the week go? And why didn’t it go faster?
It was a very long one for me – late nights and lots of frustration. How did I get through it? Why, by reading blogs of course!
Here’s some of what I saw:
Sofia Leo is moving ahead with her plans for freedom! Jamie had some great great thoughts on gay marriage. Lorre is celebrating her fourth(!) No Divorcesary!
And the inestimable Cayman Thorn gave me a blog of the year award!

Thanks to them, and all of you for giving me great stories to keep my head from falling off this week.

And thanks for the extra sunlight for giving me a few more minutes each day to figure out how to respond to your comments from last week’s poll. And also for revealing how many of you have coffin fetishes. You all, of course, have different ideas about the extra light that we asked about in last weeks poll. Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments rise and set in italics.)

Learn French. Je mange du fromage. (Sigh/went serious. Maybe next week. Maddie)
(Just grab a glass of wine and a beret. People will think you’re a native!)
Tune up the coffin. Don;t need the sunlight finding leaks. John Phillips
(Duct tape – strong enough for everything in life. And beyond…)
Feel like I didn’t wake up too late in the morning. – Carrie Cannibalistic Nerd
(Anything before noon is not too late. Trust me on this.)
so what if the days are getting shorter, it’s still winter till March 20th
(Stop dashing my hopes with your silly logic!)
Shut the blinds. –Lily In Canada
(*switches to infra red binoculars*)
Use the sunlight to charge batteries for my marijuana grow-op. John E.
(Couldn’t you just use the sunlight to grow all-natural?)
Sleep longer and watch out for mallets and stakes… Geoff
(You sleep on a croquet field?!?)
stay up late (like, till 5:15) (Stacy)
(Please tell me that’s a.m.!)
Laugh at Aussies because their days are getting shorter. (-UndercoverL)
(It’s all fun and games until someone gets bipped by a boomerang.)
(Again.)
Spend a little less time worrying about a Vampire getting me….zannyro
(…and a little bit more worrying about mosquitos…)
be caught sleeping in longer
(Not caught as much as envied…)
Is it too soon for nude sunbathing? (D. Delicious)
(Is that a serious question?!?)
…keep my front from falling off…once I find it. JOTS
(Nothing wrong with your front falling off. I mean, as long as there aren’t anti-nudity laws…)
Stand in the sunlight and sparkle like a half-breed vampire. x, Becca
(Sucks that sunlight doesn’t destroy the sparkly ones…)
Masturbate longer…Lorre (Articles of Absurdity)
(There’s still only 24 hours in the day…)
take more naps… yesss! I love me some afternoon naptime!
(With the extra light, you can branch into morning naps!)
shit…now the neighbors will see me naked. polysyllabicprofundities
(Without having to use the night-binoculars! I mean…or so I’ve heard…*crap*)
waste more time while I should be studying!! Woohoo! NBI
(That extra sunlight is just going to make the hangover more painful…)
turn on my lights later, duh! benzeknees
(I can’t believe you brought practical to the Foolishness…)
Make a movie about doughnuts, and drink my cares away! – Hotspur
(From the practical to the absurd…)
Run that extra 5 miles. Duh! – The Bumble Files
(Woah! It’s only a few extra minutes!)
deport piers morgan’s pimped up ride
(Could you make sure he’s in it at the time?)
sleep all day and party all night (SnB)
(So cutting down on the partying with longer days? Slacker.)
actually see the light of day
(What, the Michael J. Fox movie???

)
nap–of course (Addie)
(I get the feeling the time of year has nothing to do with your nap schedule…)
have to stay in my coffin a few minutes longer. – calahan
(Sounds like that’s a high…stakes…plan!)
I am going to daydream about darkness.
(Is politics really a suitable dream topic?)
Figure out exactly what a henge is. Elyse 54.5
(Not enough hours in any day to solve that!)
Spend more time in my coffin. (words&otherthings)
(Eventually, we’ll get all the time there we could want…)
Run over fewer morning/evening joggers dressed in all black. I hate them! Quirky
(But now that you can see them, they should be easier to hit…)
Since you told me the answer to next week’s poll is “peen” …Peen (twindaddy)
(No longer. You must now find the largest answer to the poll WITH…a herring! (Anyone? Anyone?))
preserve the integrity of my toes since I’ll be able to see the coffee maker!! polysyllabicprofundities
(So you have french roast toes when it’s dark out?)
Sparkle more. B_T
(Glitter sale at the crafts store?)
I’ll have to stay in my crypt longer now….dammit! –Mel
(Be a nice spot if you can get wifi in there…)
As Becca suggested, have trampoline sex (Frank)
(I thought it was more a proposition than a suggestion…)
have more light to cut more trees without surprising a shitting bear? LizzieC
(Pretty sure they can still hear you coming at night…)

The most popular answer from the offered choices was That guy above is a jackass. Sleep late!. And I couldn’t agree more. He’s a real Morehead (combination of Moron and Meathead (Thanks benzeknees)!

Late nights at work.
Late nights writing posts.
Late nights responding to polls.
Makes a belly hungry. About the only thing I like it being late is the midnight snack.
A delicious high piled sandwich, a fresh burrito, those leftovers in the fridge that have been commingling for a week.
I love me a midnight snack. And I’m betting you do too. So that’s this weeks poll.
Answer on your way to dinner, or answer with a full stomach. But answer by 2359 on 24 January, Because that’s when this one closes. If you leave an other answer, leave your name and I’ll link back to you next week.

So that about wraps it up, and hopefully you’ll get a chuckle off of these to see you on your way.
First, I love this movie. And this is one of the goofiest bits in it.

And this is kind of funny. And I felt like the short guy at the end of this week…

Have a great week, y’all/ See you on the rebound!

Tag and Release

Today’s Music: The English Beat – Save It For Later
Days Til Spring: 24

We know who you are, where you are, and what you had for dinner.

Ok, El Guapo sucks at these. He has been blessed with nominations for a bunch of awards from bloggers he respects. So far, The Guapster thinks he has acknowledged two. But Guapamole got hammered all of a sudden with tags. Seriously, it’s like a drunken WWE brawl in the ‘sphere right now. Plus, two of the taggers asked Guapowitz very nicely to do this. Translation: They said they’d do things to GuapWithoutWits you wouldn’t do to the neighbor’s cat.

So Count Guapula is responding to a hideous stack of questions. And Guapatine has enjoyed answering them. Some of them really made him think. And some of them really made him think the questioner was insane. But in a good way. So, if there’s anything else you want to know about the GuapTart, send an email, or put a question in About or Adminisilliness. SmashingGuapkins will answer. But he probably won’t do many more of these. Unless the threat is particularly entertaining…
So here are the answers. And you should check out the blogs of them that asked. They are all a lot of fun, and GuapoBell is honored that they all chose to burden me tag him!
If Count Guapula has missed someone that gave him this award, he is sincerely sorry, and he will do his best to make up for it if you let him know.
(Questions are in bold, which is the only place in this post you will find 1st person singular nouns.)
Adair You
1. Die a bit younger with all your facilities or, die at a ripe old age, having no idea what is going on.
Dying with his facilities intact might be nice for a change. Lord knows El Guapo has lived long enough without them…
2. Have you ever eaten gefilte fish?
Eaten and loved. With horseradish. But not the jelly stuff. Guaparoni doesn’t know what the hell that is. (Gefilte fish itself is a compressed loaf, generally made of whitefish bits)
3. Your perfect companion. (Yes, LiC and Guap, you may just post photos of your beloved).
In the interest of anonymity, TheGuap’s girl won’t let him post a pic.
4. Do you still write real letters?
Guapola photographs and arrange pieces of Alpha Bits for all his correspondence. If it’s important, he tapes the cereal to the page.
Honestly, Guapowitz thinks birthday/holiday cards are the only non-bills he mails anymore….And the occasional t-shirt (you know who you are).
5. Movie or play or book?
Book. Though El Guapo really enjoys all three media.
6. What have you done you’d prefer your parents not discover?
You know, after GuapTart turned thirty, he pretty much admitted everything. Turns out it was all pretty funny. After the fact…
7. Do you/Did you like your inlaws? (me Nope.)
Mostly. El Guapo loves his girl’s Mom – she is an incredible cook.
8. Regular coffee or the fancy schmancy stuff?
Regular. El Guapo has yet to stand in a Starbucks and ask for a Grande. It’s a medium cup of coffee, dammit.
9. One thing on your bucket list.
Not dying.
10. Biggest surprise you’ve had.
That his girl picked him.
11. Pick an ethnicity other than you own. Why?
Iroquois. El Guapo doesn’t know near enough about the First Peoples, but from what he does know, they have the best philosophies around…

LizzieCrackecd (not broken)
1. What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
African or European?
2. How do you feel hearing everyone has a water buffalo… And you realize you don’t (if you DO have a water buffalo, skip this question and answer the bonus I have a water buffalo question)
Guapanese doesn’t need to accessorize himself like everyone else. Just because the cool kids have a water buffalo doesn’t mean GuapAndRoll needs a water buffalo. He knows Timmy in the fourth grade said he had to have a water buffalo if he wanted to be cool, but Timmy’s an idiot. Even if he does have a signed Tito Puente lunchbox. (Wap-Bop-Guapoloobop wants a water buffalo!)
3. Who is your favorite cartoon character?
Pinky. NARF!!!
4. Who is you favorite super hero?
The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe. And you, lizziec – the most awesome Naked Scissor runner ever.
5. IF I had the power to confuse you as my super power, what would you think about frogs?
El Guapo thinks fro- Wait a minute – TheGuap sees what you did there. He thinks…
6. Which is more fun… pulling teeth or tea in China? NO wait..I think I got mixed up…
Guapola likes pulling tea off of teeth in China.
6. What does that have to do with the price of tea in china ?
El Guapo doesn’t know. Does anyone ever expect the Spanish Inquisition?
7. How old are you mentally ?
No idea – it’s hard to do math with the alphabet blocks. Though El Guapo thinks he just answered your question.
8. If you could go back to any age what age would you choose?
The age of enlightenment.
Or the age of Beets. Whatever…
9. If life gave you lemons and tequila was unavailable what would you do with them?
The Guap would wait for the first person who said “Make lemonade!”.
Then he would squirt lemon juice in their eye.
10 How much wood can a woodchuck chuck.
Sadly, they only chuck when GuapperWithCheese is trying to sleep, so he has not been able to count.
11. How do you get rid of those pesky woodchucks anyhow?
Guapunzel hopes you don’t think he’s overreacting, but he likes nuclear weapons for that job.
What?

Bonus I already have a water buffalo question:
are you happy with your water buffalo or would you prefer a Cebu?
HEY YEAH! Guaparoo will get a cebu! That’ll show Timmy!!!

More Zen Now
1. What would you do if I sang out of tune?
Join in, probably making inapppropriate animal noises. Or change the lyrics.
2. Coffee or Tea?
Beer.
3. Soccer or Rugby?
Curling!!!
4. Liberal, Conservative or Nunya Beeswax?
Right now, Disgusted.
5. Love or hate Stanley Kubrick?
Generally love, but really can depend on the flick.
6. What is your favorite era, where and why?
Favorite ERA would be the 28th amendment (if it passes before any other amendments).
7. If stranded on a desert island who would you most like to be with?
El Guapo’s wife. And someone with a boat.
8. If you have children do you sometimes hate them a little? (Yes , I loves my chilluns but…)?
No kids, but El Guapo is frequently not a fan of those of his friends.
9. What is your favorite novel and why?
Tough one. Maybe The Old Man and the Sea by Hemmingway. It’s a very moving story, told very directly. Not a wasted word in it.
10. Sonny or Cher?
Chaz. Wow, that’ll stop you for a sec, won’t it!
11. What is your preferred method of de-stressing?
Whatever happens to be the first thing The Guap does after all these questions!

RantOnIt
1. If you were stuck in a burning building with no possible means of escape but had a bag of marshmallows….. Would you toast them over the fire or just eat ‘em straight?
Guapowitz would melt them just enough to make some clever Macgyver type marshmallow based contraption to escape, then get a job as the Marshmallow Lobby spokesman.
Oh, and toasted.
2. The funniest knock knock knock you can think of
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupti-
MOO!!!
3. Weirdest thing you’ve eaten.
Weird is relative. El Guapo has yet to be given a food option that he has flat out declined, untried.
Did once eat a fish eye. Gelatinous on the outside, hard and plasticky core.
4. Tell me what you’d do if a bird excreted on your head.
Happened to GuaperBell in France. He cursed the French. In English.
5. Stupidest thing you did while you were sober
Dude, there ain’t enough space on the internet for El Guapo to list every stupid thing he’s done that is tied for number one.
6.Can you run 2 miles if I kick you out of bed at 4am…. to chase me down ….. Theoretically. In reality I won’t make it the first mile.
No. But Guapola can wait for your tired ass to get back.
hehehe.
7. How many quarter pounders do you think you can eat in a sitting?
If memory serves, about a dozen. Now? Maybe 9.
8. Bacon or Beer. You must decide!
El Guapo decides yes.
9. Can you tell me, an exact use for a rubber duck?
Yes, The Guap can.
10. in your dreams….. Are you on top?
Upside down, frequently.
11. Rosie Huntington-Whitley or Megan fox? You Must Decide!
The entire internet and those are the choices?!?

NicoleColredGlasses
1. What is the most exciting thing you have ever done in your life?
GuapingtonBear will go with letting go of an airplane in flight. But honestly that probably isn’t the most exciting thing…Actually, he can’t pick one right now…
2. How would you wear gasses if you didn’t have a nose?
If El Guapo somehow lost his nose, would blurry vision even be something he was worrying about at that point? Or Guap would just get a Navin R Johnson Opti-grab.
3. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
The bitter voice of experience says no. It just means leaving a little extra in the checking account to pay for the consequences.
4. How do you know if you have fallen in love if you don’t have any bruises?
well, if you have to ask…
5. You want to have sex with a tampon?
El Guapo doesn’t know. Is it cute and disease free?
6. If you had to come up with a Major sports team name what would it be?
MoneyGrabbers
7. Are redheads good in bed?
Redheads in general, or is there a specific one to be investigated?
8. What is your favorite book and why?
K, El Guapo answered Old Man and the Sea above, so now he’ll go with John McPhee Looking For A Ship. It’s an account of life on a Merchant Marine ship, published in 1990. It’s a favorite, that he has enjoyed re-reading…
9. Do fish get thirsty?
Only if they haven’t been drinking enough.
10. How come when socks come out of the dryer, there’s only one of each?
Because the other had to report back to the mothership to provide intelligence to our alien overlords.
11. Do you believe is fairies?
As Shakespeare said, There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy…
El Guapo thinks that covers it.

RC
1- What do you think happens when you die?
The maestro will be decomposing.
2- Creation vs Evolution?
Evolution. And don’t go waving that “banana shape” argument at Guapalooney either.
3- Will there ever be an end to suffering?
Shortly after the first question happens.
4- Do you believe in global warming?
Yes. And don’t go waving that “banana shape” argument at Guapalooney either.
5- What would be your dream job?
Guapski would like to test adventure gear in the field for a living. And beer. He would like to test beer too.
6- What’s your ideal vacation spot?
The Guapster has a serious weakness for the tropical islands around the Carribean. he would like to rent a barebones sailboat and cruise around El Mar Caribe for a month, visiting the best ports and bars, as well as uninhabited islets.
Ah, what a way to spend some time…
No, he has never done that before. Yet…
7- Are you content with the choices you made in your life?
El Guapo was aware of the consequences of some of the stupider things he did in his youth. That being said, the bastard is singularly unrepentant. He also thinks that if it hadn’t gone that way, he never would have found and married the most wonderful girl in the universe. That’s how it went. He ain’t gonna worry about it now… He just wishes he hadn’t drank all that cough syrup this morning…
8- If you knew you’re going to die tomorrow, what would you do?
Leave the water running.
9- Are you adventurous?
Ha, really? Guapowitz is quite possibly the most fearless (read: stupidest) attempter of shennanigans ever to stomp the earth.
10- Have you ever tried yoga or meditation?
Guapalocious believes the unexamined life is not worth living. He also thinks that ignorance is bliss. he ponders the paradox of these two perspectives every once in a while.
Also, he tried yoga twice. And is relieved he doesn’t get embarrassed like normal people.
11- Whats the best meal you’ve ever had?
In his youth, Guaptastic once sailed in the Around Long Island Regatta. At the end of the race (about 3 am), hte crew was invited to grab a meal at the hosting yacht club’s dining room.

The Guapster will not tag anyone, but if he were to (or if anyone just wants to answer), these are the questions he would ask:
1- What did you do that you never thought you would?
2- Mustard or Ketchup?
3- If it were that much fun, would everyone really be doing it?
4- What is your online name based on?
5- If you are above legal drinking age, do you still have a stuffed animal? If you are below legal drinking age, do your parents?
6- Finish the sentence: The quick brown fox jumped over __________
7- Would you rather go into battle with an attack penguin or a carrier mole?
8- Greatest golf movie ever made?
9- What bad movie have you seen that could have been great? And how would you have fixed it?
10- Why does everyone else seem to want to strand you on a desert island?
11- What one thing never fails to make you smile?

For those of you that are wondering what the hell is going on with the 3rd person pronouns, El Guapo blames The Hobbler. It is totally her fault. and he believes First person pronouns in the questions themselves are acceptable.
Also, El Guapo sincerely thanks Ginger Snaap, Old Dog, New Tits and LizzieCrackecd (not broken) for spending a day on twitter and giving all these @Guapowitz variations he could use.
If someone would like to thank them by taking all this free time off their hands, El Guapo would sincerely appreciate it.

I’m an Ass…but Glittery!

Today’s Music: Queen – Fat Bottomed Girls
Days Til Spring: 41

Okay, I’ve gotten a few awards. I’m terrible at acknowledging them, for several reasons.
– They are an awful lot of work to justify
– There’s an awful lot of linking to blogs of others you like.
– I have to say things about myself that even I don’t find interesting
– Someone gets left out
– Typing up the 15 to 72 links gets really tiring

But then, this was bestowed upon me, by the ever so sparkly-assed Kayjai.
And I couldn’t refuse.
Because beneath that polite Canadian exterior, I’m pretty sure there’s a madwoman who would throttle me without a second thought.

And, like all awards, this one has rules:
1 – I have to name 5 things that I do that would make people want to kill me (or just hate me) (a lot).
– Even though I don’t do it here, in the real world I curse like a ^&%)(&*@*()#&(#%R&%*$*%(@&$). All the *(&^)#$@ time.
– I smoke like a chimney. And am unrepentant.
– However, if you do something…questionable in public, I will point and yell “REPENT, SINNER” as loud as I can.
– I am a music snob.
– I wear Hawaiian shirts whenever I can. Proudly.

Would a Hawaiian shirt go with this?

2 – List 5 things that I would stick up my ass if forced to. (Because that is the only way it’s going up there).
– My keys. Because whenever I’m out with friends and I ask where they’ve gone, someone invariably responds “did you check up your ass?”
– This. Because many times people have asked “Alright Guap. How are you going to pull this out of your ass?” Stick around, Spanky.
– A wireless speaker connected to a microphone. So I can, in fact, talk out of my ass.
– The complete encyclopedia Britannica. To whip out when someone falsely accuses me of talking out of my ass during an argument
– Handi Wipes. Just sayin…
B – Run across a freeway blindfolded
Already done this blind drunk. In Annapolis, MD. Close enough…
3 – Pick a Prom Court.
I have no idea what the hell this means. But that never stopped me before:
–LizzieCracked – A little because she’s given me 20? 30? awards that I’ve never acknowledged, but mostly because she has a unique perspective, is one of my hands down coolest online friends, and I’d love to see what she does with this.
– A Frank Angle – Because he is probably one of the nicest people I’ve met online, and can’t think of how would possibly respond to this. (Sorry, did I mention innapropriate?)
– Alex Autin – Because in addition to great pictures and adventures, She can hold her own with the raunchiest of ’em.
– Red – Because she will turn it into something deep and meaningful and hilarious and make me hurt myself laughing while she does it.
– John Phillips – because he comes up with great bands I’ve never heard of (they’re Canadian), and I think he’d get a kick out this too.
– And finally (because like I said, all the link embedding gets tiring), Lily – I’m pretty sure she will put together a much more entertaining rant than I managed to.

So, thank you very much, this Glitter’s for you!

If I wear these, everyone can see the glitter!