Tag Archives: Stuff

Into The Valley Of Foolishness Rode The Six Hundred…


Today’s Music: Cowboy Mouth – Jenny Says

The wheel has gone around and once again landed on Friday! Another successful week in which I kept my opinions of office goings-on mostly to myself, thereby ensuring my continued employment.
And how did I distract myself from the banality? Why. by reading blogs, of course! Here’s some of what I saw…
REDdog told the story of his First Tattoo. Girl Seule wrote about the joys of Crowd Funded Breasts!, and DJ Matticus and co-authors are giving away copies of Fauxpocalypse, so grab a copy of what I hear is a great book!

Oh, and Helena Hann Basquiat bestowed a Liebster Award (because of my crushed velevet smoking jacket), and That’s Ron To You gave me a Versatile Blogger Award. Probably because I type all my posts with my toes. (Yes, I’m that versatile!)
I hope y’all check them both out. They really have great sites!

But before you head over to them, let’s talk about last week’s poll. We asked about English Muffins, and what was going on with those nooks and crannies. From your answers, it’s clear they’re not big enough to contain your cleverness! Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments are toasted in italics.)

Wormholes left by Ancient Astronauts ~ Stephen Hawking (of Reno)
(That’s why the taste is out of this world!)
just air because some nitwit whipped them too much – Benzeknees
(Arthur Muffin the Fourteenth says it’s not so easy to program those machines correctly.)
Crumpets are for the night after the midnight picnic… Not as juicy though… Andro
(And crumbs in bed for the morning after that…)
I always enjoy a bit of crumpet, actually I prefer lots… Andro
(Gee, I prefer strumpets.)
Yes Crumpets that man and remember that okay, rant over… Andro
(So…I’m thinking you mean…crumpets?)
Air. Nothing clever. Just air. (Stacy)
(English Muffins are know for their dry…wit.)
wanna be donut holes –Linda Vernon
(Who knows what dreams lie in the hearts of baked goods? The butter knows!)
A place to stash my diary in which I curse everyone I know-Life Confusions
(bitter anger never tasted so good!)
Sweet lakes of butter, for me to lap up, and they butter up my muffin tops! Dawn @ TFTM
(You’re going to get me re-ranked as an explicit blog.)
Little bread elves take bites out of your muffins while you sleep. Amy R
(So…good drugs then?)
The Catholic Church’s explanation Elyse 54.5
(The Slather, the Bun and the Holy Toast?)
crabby old women who finally discovered e-readers. JakLumen
(WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Seriously, I rarely hit such surreal heights as this.)
We can’t tell you. It is a state secret. Merlinspielen
(In Russia, the English muffins YOU!)
just dyslexic crooks and nannies. – calahan
(Oh for dog’s sake.)
Places to stick your ABC gum. Kayjai
(Younger me is glad it’s no longer stuck in my hair.)
the sexiest part of a woman’s body (SnB)
(A balanced part of a complete breakfast!)
to hold the masses of peanut butter and honey, YUM! – Curvyroads
(I thought jelly was the opiate of the masses?)
addictive little pockets of crack cocaine. thematticuskingdom
(You mean those aren’t deliciously healthy nubs of fiber?!?)
Zoe here…Nooks are the creators cheaping out on a full piece of circle.
(Sounds like the beginning of a great story…arc.)
Zoe here again:Crannies are the filler, to make you think you’re full.
(Filler…like seasons two through five of Lost?)
how should I know? I’m a writer not a scientist! thematticuskingdom
(Michio Kaku says “why not be both?”.)
(And “buy my books”. He says that a lot too. )

a typo. It was supposed to be crooks and nannies. thematticuskingdom
(It was also a typo that left them stranded with a warehouse full of puffins.)
crooks and grannies-inventors of the Eng. muffin. The Sailor’s Woman
(I prefer books and jammies – anchors of the bedtime routine.)
PMAO. We call them ‘freedom muffins’.
(the only meaningful contribution of Congress to society in the last twenty years.)
I’m not sure, but he can spread butter on my toast any day! Susie Lindau
(Umm…what kind of muffins are we talking about here?)
The cellulite in my thighs. brickhousechick
(I can’t believe it’s not butter!)
places to hide more alcohol! Twindaddy
(I like to leave the alcohol out in the open. On muffin coasters.)
peanut butter holders – Rutabaga
(Just like that automatic tray on my computer!)

Congratulations to JakLumen for this weeks winning answer!!!, proving once again that polls are stranger than fiction. And from the offered choices, the most popular was They’re called “crumpets”, you bloody Yank!. So congratulations to all you English xenophobes out there too!
Clutter
This week, My girl and I have been closing up an estate. There was a ton of packing and sorting and arranging before donating it to a variety of charities that will hopefully hand the stuff off to people who could use it.
It got me to thinking about all the stuff I have and, of course, all the stuff you have. So This weeks question is what do you do with it all??? Let us know as often as you like, but let us know by Tuesday, 1 April, 2359 EDT, because that’s when this one ends.
Try and keep yourself to three Other answers if you do write-ins, and if you do leave an Other, add a way to recognize you at the end, and I’ll link back to you next week.

And til next time, enjoy a quick behind the scenes view of every sitcom casting session ever,

Have a great weekend, everyone!

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IT. IS. SPRING!!! And time for the Spring/Summer Stupidity!


Today’s Music: Today only, appearing at the bottom of the post.
Day’s Til Spring: 0!!!0!!!0!!!

At last. Spring. I can feel the earth softening, the trees starting to bloom, the hemlines rising.
The most wonderful time of the year is upon us.

Aaaaaaahhhhh…

Which means of course, that it is time for the annual listing of events for those like-minded individuals who really want to go out and play.
So here, more or less, is the (mostly) unexpurgated text of the email that went out the other day. (Apologies for all the non-imbedded links, this was copied right from the emial to keep that raw untamed fee…)
Anyone who wants to join in, let me know. Should be fun…

START EMAIL
Subject: The Spring and Summer Stupid

Well, the seasons have spun around again, and here we are on the verge (once more) of spring.
And if it’s spring, it means it’s time for me to try to drag you all down into the stupid with me.

(Don’t worry, it will be fun. And I’ll try and find bars and restaurants near most of the adventures listed.)

THE REALLY WANT TO DO
Surfing
Going to go with these guys again:
http://www.surflessonsnewyork101.com/

And for those of you that have them they give lessons to kids too. They have all the gear, all you need to do is show up.

Jet Skiing
Off of Coney Island. How can you say no?
http://jettyjumpers.com/

I think they might be the only ones in the city who do this. But come on, jet skiing? within city limits?
I really want to do this, though it is kind of pricey…

Kayaking
A bunch of options here
http://www.hudsonvalleyoutfitters.com/
These guys are a bit north of the city, and they do a bunch of fun tours. Some of them even include lunch! (It will even be dry! If the guide closes his storage bin.)
They also do rentals.

http://www.atlanticoutfitters.us/
These guys are in Port Washington. We’ve rented from them before, and it’s a nice day of paddling alongside the sailboats.

http://www.hudsonriverpark.org/explore/kayakingcp.html
These guys are out of chelsea piers. I’ve seen their kayaks in the water, but know nothing about them. Still, it’s possible…

Stand Up Paddleboarding
This was lots of fun for the hour or so last year. Best of all, it can be done on a weekday in the evening at the same place, which is
http://shop.nykayak.com/Stand-Up-Paddle-Board_ep_46-1.html
(They also do kayaking)
these guys were pretty good, and got all of us (5 people) up on the boards with no real problem.
Atlantic Outfitters above also say they do SUP, so that’s a possibility too.

Camping
Never been. Would like to go. I’m open to considering anything. The only requirement (says The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe) is that there be clean indoor plumbing available.
Doesn’t sound unreasonable…
So, where are we going to go? The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe and I should probably just start with a weekend, so we can get used to it.

THE WOULD BE NICE TO DO
Rock Climbing
Indoor is nice. I know of 3 indoor spots:
Chelsea Piers (really nice, but not the cheapest)
http://www.chelseapiers0.pth4.com/sc/club/climbing.cfm?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=chelsea%2520piers%2520rock%2520climbing&utm_campaign=Rock+Wall+Brand+-+G

Brooklyn Boulders (Never heard of them, but I’ll give them a shot…)
http://www.brooklynboulders.com/

Island Rock (Plainview, it’s a nice facility)
http://www.islandrock.net/

There’s another near midtown, but I can’t find a link.

I would really like to get outdoors to climb too. Most of my climbing is in New Paltz
I’ve climbed with these guys ( http://www.high-xposure.com/ ) but the original guy has since retired. We can find other guide services, probably through Rock and Snow. http://www.rockandsnow.com/store/

Flying Trapeze
http://www.trapezeschool.com/default.php
This has been on my list for the last few years, and I’d really like to go if the scheduling can be worked out.

AND KEEP IN MIND
Bike riding in central park (the path also goes past the bouldering area!)
Geocaching
Free summer concerts.

Also, hoping to get to Portland to go Bungee Jumping.

So, that’s what I’ve got.
Feel free to make more suggestions, and lets work out what we want to do when.

And may your warm weather months be as stupid and fun as possible!

/END EMAIL

If anyone wants to come along, or has suggestions to add, let me know in the comments.
And for everyone in the northern hemisphere – CONGRATULATIONS!!! WE MADE IT!!!

And now, for today’s music…
SNOOPY DANCE!!!

Friday Foolishness – Post Apocalyptic Edition


Today’s Music: Jimmy Witherspoon – Good Rockin’ Tonight

Welcome back to the Friday Foolishness, after a tumultuous week.
I’m thinking about using this space at the top of the Friday Foolishness space to highlight some of the posts I’ve seen over the week.
Thoughts? (After all, you guys are going to have to read it…)

But for now, lets just jump in to last weeks results, shall we?
Many of you had excellent ideas for how to spend your Friday the 13th (as always, italics are mine):
Um.. I think it is the 12th..Are you SURE?? Cause I think it’s not. lizziec
(Great, now I’m confused too…)
Q-tip my ears: Barking In The Dark
(No no, we stopped singing the hokey pokey. I hope…)
Drink myself blind and quiet the voices
(Quiets all the voices for me. Except the ones that tell me to keep drinking…)
make sure not to sit in row 13 on flight 1356 from Denver (yikes!)
(I sincerely hope you made it back ok!)
Bag the blow-up doll idea and make my hair look like Sarah Palin’s
(Perhaps make the blow-up dolls hair look like Sarah Palins instead?)
Toss Mensa daughter’s bedroom for good drugs. Friday the 13th is a lucky day!
(I can’t condone that kind of behavior! If you found any, I insist you turn them over at once to me for proper…disposal. hehehe)
Get out my Anal Probe kit.
(I knew that was you!!!)
Write an angry letter to my congressman about how there keeps being Friday 13ths
(Good luck. But I’m not sure many in the current congress know how to read…)
…be closing on my house. Nope! The builder pushed it back 5 weeks. Grumble.
(That sucks. But it does leave you time to participate in a bunch more of these polls!)
Wait, it’s the 13th – of January? That was one hellava hangover. Sandylikeabeach
(I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. You,young lady, are an inspiration. And I’m pretty sure you just one this weeks poll for that!!!)

Well, Sandylikeabeach wins this week’s poll (It almost went to H.E. Ellisfor being the only one to pick BRRRRAAAIINNSSS!!!. But I’m not sure I should be encouraging that kind of thing…)
And for those who want to know, the most chosen answer this poll was
I don’t care what the date is – it’s FRIDAY!!!!! WOOHOO!!!

Which leaves us with this weeks poll.
The big event this week was the Anti SOPA/PIPA.
Which made me wonder… (polling closes next Thurs at Midnight)
(Leave your name if you enter an other for a linkback)(and so we know who said what!)

And to keep you amused until next week (or the internet does shut down)…
The Woody Allen Firetruck routine.
Enjoy, vote often, see you around the bend…

An Insipid Cautionary Tale


Today’s Music: ABBA

CAUTION: The below is bad in ways too numerous to describe. But it’s my soapbox and I can yell what I want.
Do us all a favor and don’t encourage this behavior from me.
It’s for your own good.

INTRO VOICEOVER:
Join us now for a Lifetime Network Afterschool Special – “Peple With Stupid Problems – A Black Friday Tale” An insipid cautionary tale for the holiday season.

FADE IN

A MALE, ABOUT 38, LIES ON A BED. THERE ARE TUBES COMING OUT OF HIM. HE IS DRESSED IN SEVERAL DIRTY LAYERS AND A TATTERED CHRISTMAS SWEATER (You know, with the reindeers or snowmen or something), HIS HAND CRUSHING A STARBUCKS HOLIDAY CUP.
HE IS DIRTY, UNSHAVEN. HIS HAIR IS SCRAGGLY AND DIRTY, HIS FACE COVERED IN UNKEMPT WHISKERS

HIS CHEST IS COVERED IN RAVAGED BOXES, WE CAN ONLY MAKE OUT SOME OF THE LETTERS – XBO, LMO, KA LERS, OKSTON, WEBE.

THERE ARE PRICE TAGS STREWN ACROSS HIM LIKE NEW FALLEN SNOW.

AND BLOOD. SO MUCH BLOOD.

The camera pulls back, we see he is in an ICU OR, glass doors separating him from the main area. In rushes 2 SURGEONS (one male, one female) and a NURSE (male)

The SURGEONS are disheveled, BLOOD staining their scrubs. The nurse has a run in his stockings.

SURGEON1
Every year. The same madness. (HE WIPES THE SWEAT FROM HIS brow with his sleeves)
Nurse, I need a price scanner over here, Stat!

NURSE hands her a scanner. SURGEON1 waves it over the body, it’s red light illuminating impossibly damaged boxes, gift tags, holiday flyers.

SURGEON2
My God, this is the worst I’ve ever seen it. I don’t know if I can do another one of these.

SURGEON1 responds without looking up.
Hold it together, Tavison.

TAVISON
You don’t understand Jillian. My wife is out there. My kids.

JILLIAN doesn’t even look up, her hands now reaching in to unseen places while she speaks.
I’m sure they’ll be fine Tavison. Nurse, I need suction.

JILLIAN looks up as NURSE hands her a nozzle from a Tyson Dirt Devil

NURSE
What? It was on sale. I got a great deal before I came in.

JILLIAN takes the nozzle and moves it below the body, tucking it in out of sight. NURSE hits the power button.

THE MAN arches in pain and begins groaning. We see a stream of small gift boxes spinning in the vacuum collector. The vacuum starts to whine – something has snagged.

JILLIAN pulls the nozzle and begins working at it to free the object.

JILLIAN
Damn. I hate Black Friday. 3 years ago, my boyfriend went out to catch the sales and I never saw him again. This day is just evil.

She has managed to free the OBJECT and is now turning it in her hands examining it.

JILLIAN
He said he had to get something. That it was a surprise for us together. I thought he was going to propose, but he just disappeared.

She is looking at the OBJECT more closely. The light glints off it as she brings it closer to her face. The camera comes over her shoulder to focus on it as she reads aloud TO MY LOVE AND MY HEART,…
The camera shows JILLIANS face, a tear running down her cheek as she turns the OBJECT, which the camera cuts back to …JILLIAN

JILLIAN looks up, both eyes wet now, her face turning to the figure on the bed, who is looking at her now, his eyes alight with crazy

MAN
I couldn’t get back to you. Oh how I tried. But the sales, the bargains. I get swept up in the crowd, carried away form store to store, deal to deal.
We ravaged the Midwest. They called out the National Guard in Tuscaloosa to control us. There were firehouses to break us up in Alameda.
Binjago, Utah was wiped off the map completely. But those deals, oh those deals.

He collapses back to the bed, unconscious.

JILLIAN holds her face in her hands and cries.

TAVISON pulls off his scrubs.
Finish up here nurse. I’m going to save my family.

He strides out of the OR

FADE OUT

Friday Foolishness – Post Thanksgiving Edition


Today’s Music: Arlo Guthrie – Alice’s Restaurant

Happy Day After Thanksgiving.
Hope you are all fat and happy.

Arlo Guthrie’s traditional Thanksgiving classic is above. Enjoy the performance.

Now to old business.
Last week’s poll brought some interesting Other answers:
– Anything. ‘Cause me juggling anything is comedy. And sad.
– jugglers
– Volkswagens, cause that would impress the chicks
– I’m combining two of your choices and saying wet, soapy cats.

I personally like them all, the first because it gives voice to the joy and pathos of life (hey, it’s Friday Foolishness. Yes, I can say things like that). The second, just for the meta-ness of it, and the third because I think it would work (despite what Weenie Girl says.
And Cats and soap? How could you not love that!

And the winner, with the most votes, is
Time (but I’m too busy to schedule a class)

Thanks to all you lucky guessers out there.

Today’s question in keeping with the season, is

Voting ends 1 December 23:59 (Thursday Night)

Have a great weekend!

Now where am I going – Metaphysical Edition


Today’s Music: Johnny Clegg & Savuka

So last time, I used this title to show off a bunch of compasses I own.
Because I’m the kind of guy who thinks compasses are cool. (much like bow ties.)

Bow ties are cool.

At the bottom of that post, I promised I’d give you the Metaphysical Edition. Because I’m an idiot.

So come now, as we delve into the sludge and confusion that slosh and ooze inside my head. (No, not the eggs I put in my nose when I was 6. I’m talking about my brain. Sheesh, this is gonna be a long post…)

Any good psychiatrist will tell you that in order to know where you’re going, you have to know where you’ve been.
I’ve worked in kitchens. I’ve worked in offices. I even once assembled newspapers (that lasted one day).

Sunday NY Times. Lots and lots of pages.

I’ve traveled (not extensively, but a bit), gone to 5 or 6 countries, many states and countless bars and restaurants. Not that the number is so high they can’t be counted, it’s just hard to use numbers when you’re that drunk.

I’ve been ridiculously happy. Extremely sad. Criminally mischievous. Incredibly well dressed. I’ve worn Hawaiian shirts to work, and tuxedos to bars. I have a wicked sense of humor and enjoy being the perpetrator of a well played joke, as well as the victim of one.

Way back when I used to sweat for a living, it was my job to keep a semi-homicidal group of immigrants/junkies/alcoholics functioning well enough to serve 800 dinners a night out of a hellishly hot kitchen. I yelled, threatened, cursed, and when necessary, I showed my guys that the way I said to do it was right by doing it in front of them.

Those were their choices.


This led to a long and destructive period of aggressively enjoying the hell out of myself, and drinking way too much. It was also during this time that I met IrishPaul.

At the point where my knees decided they didn’t want weren’t going to work in restaurants anymore (and after I almost cut someone’s finger off for eating a french fry), I went back to school for a computer certification.

For that stretch, I worked as little as possible, relied on friends (bartenders) for food and drink, and generally recovered my head.
When I was about 28, I started a job as a pc tech. I had just moved in with a friend (bartender), went in for a drink that night on his shift and saw a girl (the most wonderful girl in the universe). And eventually married her.
(all that will eventually be another post.)

Everything up to this point had been a whirl of drink, food, road trips, good friends in bars, too little sleep and a ton of late nights.

3 months after I got my pc tech job, the dot com I was working at closed and I started a new job in a Network Operations Center (sounds cooler than it is – no windows, canned air and the constant whirring of server fans), working 2nd shift (noon to 10 pm).
Then they moved me to mornings.

I had a great boss (despite him thinking music began and ended with The Beatles), who didn’t fire me when it took two weeks for me to actually show up on time for the day shift.
but I couldn’t stay out all night if I had to be in at 7am. So I stopped staying out all night.
I grew mellower. I was sweating less. I was holding intelligent conversations that didn’t loudly speculate about an individual’s questionable intelligence or favorite farm animal.

Things were going well with the girl. She came skiing with me and learned to love it. She introduced me to new music, some of which is great. She got me to start cooking again (really, when I left restaurants, if I couldn’t nuke it, boil it, or eat it out of the bag, I wasn’t eating it). She suggested day trips, vacations, kayaking.
It was a perfect life.

I slowly started waking up in the morning. Looking forward to the weekend.
Speaking in a socially acceptable manner (i.e.every third word wasn’t a curse). I relaxed a bit more.
I became accustomed to the joys of the daily rush hour commute. To drink and enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning. To sweat less and smile more.

That’s continued for about the last 10 years. My girl and I have a simple life. I do most of the cooking and ironing, she makes sure the bills go out on time and (occasionally) laughs at my jokes. We have things that only move one of us, things that move both of us, nad each supports the other pretty much no matter what.
She knows (probably better than I do) what’ll piss me off or set me on edge (she doesn’t linger at/near/in smelling distance of the perfume counters at malls or department stores!), and always manages to keep me calm.
I tell her I love her several times a day, which she does too – not for reassurance, but because it’s nice to hear when it’s sincere.

So, I get up, I go to work. I come home, make dinner, lie on the couch with my girl as we read our books or she surfs the web and I watch tv.
I have time to play my guitars, or video games, or to work on my model railroad.
On weekends, we do our grocery shopping and other chores, visit friends, go to museums/restaurants/stuff we want to see, and live what I guess are normal ordinary lives.
I go to as many concerts as I can (sometimes with, sometimes without her), she also has stuff she does on her own.

It’s a stable, good life.

At this point, I probably won’t throw my gear and compii into the car and just go for long ride.
I’m never going to be a Marine Biologist. Or cure cancer. Or headline at Madison Square Garden.

I will work every day to justify my wife’s faith and love in me. I will still say as many inappropriate things as I think I can get away with. I will keep playing with my food.

One day, if I’m lucky, I’ll go see a man about a horse (in this case, a horse is a kayak/motorcycle/sailboat/small island…). I’ll keep having mini adventures (skiing, surfing, paragliding, driving in midtown) as I can fit them in.

I will probably work, retire when I can, worry about health, money, the Mets…
I’d like to do that someplace tropical. I’d like to understand more of quantum physics (thogh I do finally understand Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle).
I don’t know if any of that will happen. And, despite the beginning of this post, I don’t really know where I’m going.

But, for the moment, I’m content.
Because I got the girl.

Everything else is noise.

An Adventure – Learning to Ski


Today’s Music: Tori Amos

So, here we are, in the ongoing series of “Learning to” Adventures posts.

Some of my best skiing days have happened when I was hung over. I don’t recommend that condition for actually learning to ski though.

This picture isn't me, but could have been. Many times.

Skiing (from Urban Dictionary): somethin a person does in the wintertime to convince oneself that he or she is actually enjoying the 10 degree weather.

The first thing is to get the right clothes.
The first time I went, I wore jeans. And fell a lot. All the dye in the denim seeped right through the top 20 layers of my skin, and I had blue legs through February.

Second thing is have a sense of humor.
You’re going to fall. No way around it. If you can laugh about it, you’ll be able to get back up and learn to stay up that much faster, thereby freeing yourself to laugh at the poor bastard behind you who just did a fantastic slow-mo windmilling flop. While not moving.

Third thing is to get a teacher.
By teacher I mean not just someone who knows how to ski, but someone who can teach it.

Let me explain.
So one winter, Ronnie and Meat decided I should learn how to ski. Sure, why not.
We trundled up to the mountain, and I got my rental gear and lift ticket, and we headed up the mountain. To the top.

Much scarier with planks strapped to your feet. And no idea what you're doing.

This was the lesson, as explained to me by Meat: Ronnie’ll go first and show you what to do. I’ll go behind you to pick up your stuff (see top pic) and tell you what you did wrong.

One thing I learned about cold mountain air – it clears hangovers fast. Well, that and terror.

For those of you have never been to Hunter Mountain, the main skiing face faces east. That means it is softened by the morning sun. Which means?
Exactly. When the sun crests and begins to set in the west, the east face freezes back up. Into sheet ice.

People out west mock the east coast snow. And justifiably, because their’s is much softer and fluffier.
But lemme tell you, if you can ski the east (especially someplace like Hunter), you can ski anywhere.

Back to the lesson.

The fourth thing is to Zip. Up. Your. Jacket. All the way.
We’ve already established that you will fall. At some point, you will probably Yard Sale (again, see top pic).
That’s where both your skis come off and shoot in opposite directions, your poles bounce off to God-knows-where, your hat is half buried in the snow behind you, a glove may have come off, and your lungs are twice their normal size from all the snow forced down your throat as you belly surfed down the hill.
Zipping your jacket will keep at least one square yard of snow off your chest.

Having fun yet?

Looks ridiculous, but it does work.

Good. Because it isn’t all horror. By the end of the day, I was able to use my modified snowplow to zig-zag down the mountain in one piece. I was skiing!

Meat and Ronnie gave me my first lessons in skiing parallel too (as opposed to snowplow), and this gave me (barely) enough control and (way too much) speed to be able to zip down the mountain making some truly…unique maneuvers.
I had so much fun, I eventually forgave them for their wtf teaching method.

Once I could ski at a level near theirs, we needed to add some tricks,
like the Daffy, and the Backscratcher

I've done this! And landed well!

I've done this! The landing was hilarious. And painful.

Now, my wife (the most wonderful girl in the universe) and I try and go skiing at least once a year. I taught her the basics, and she very wisely (and relationship savingly) decided to take a real lesson. She gets better every year. And so do I.

Looking back over this, I think the most important part of learning to ski is to do it because it’s fun, and you want to enjoy it.
Otherwise, you’ll end up with blue legs, or a belly full of ice, or a broken rib (that one really sucked, but I skied the rest of the day anyway), and no big stupid grin to show for it.

Bought these after I knew how to use them. They were great, but their time has passed...

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go see what lift tickets will be this season, and try on my ski hat…

Yes, I do wear it in public. Sometimes, I even wear it to work.