Into The Valley Of Foolishness Rode The Six Hundred…

Today’s Music: Cowboy Mouth – Jenny Says

The wheel has gone around and once again landed on Friday! Another successful week in which I kept my opinions of office goings-on mostly to myself, thereby ensuring my continued employment.
And how did I distract myself from the banality? Why. by reading blogs, of course! Here’s some of what I saw…
REDdog told the story of his First Tattoo. Girl Seule wrote about the joys of Crowd Funded Breasts!, and DJ Matticus and co-authors are giving away copies of Fauxpocalypse, so grab a copy of what I hear is a great book!

Oh, and Helena Hann Basquiat bestowed a Liebster Award (because of my crushed velevet smoking jacket), and That’s Ron To You gave me a Versatile Blogger Award. Probably because I type all my posts with my toes. (Yes, I’m that versatile!)
I hope y’all check them both out. They really have great sites!

But before you head over to them, let’s talk about last week’s poll. We asked about English Muffins, and what was going on with those nooks and crannies. From your answers, it’s clear they’re not big enough to contain your cleverness! Here’s what you said. (As always, my comments are toasted in italics.)

Wormholes left by Ancient Astronauts ~ Stephen Hawking (of Reno)
(That’s why the taste is out of this world!)
just air because some nitwit whipped them too much – Benzeknees
(Arthur Muffin the Fourteenth says it’s not so easy to program those machines correctly.)
Crumpets are for the night after the midnight picnic… Not as juicy though… Andro
(And crumbs in bed for the morning after that…)
I always enjoy a bit of crumpet, actually I prefer lots… Andro
(Gee, I prefer strumpets.)
Yes Crumpets that man and remember that okay, rant over… Andro
(So…I’m thinking you mean…crumpets?)
Air. Nothing clever. Just air. (Stacy)
(English Muffins are know for their dry…wit.)
wanna be donut holes –Linda Vernon
(Who knows what dreams lie in the hearts of baked goods? The butter knows!)
A place to stash my diary in which I curse everyone I know-Life Confusions
(bitter anger never tasted so good!)
Sweet lakes of butter, for me to lap up, and they butter up my muffin tops! Dawn @ TFTM
(You’re going to get me re-ranked as an explicit blog.)
Little bread elves take bites out of your muffins while you sleep. Amy R
(So…good drugs then?)
The Catholic Church’s explanation Elyse 54.5
(The Slather, the Bun and the Holy Toast?)
crabby old women who finally discovered e-readers. JakLumen
(WE HAVE A WINNER!!! Seriously, I rarely hit such surreal heights as this.)
We can’t tell you. It is a state secret. Merlinspielen
(In Russia, the English muffins YOU!)
just dyslexic crooks and nannies. – calahan
(Oh for dog’s sake.)
Places to stick your ABC gum. Kayjai
(Younger me is glad it’s no longer stuck in my hair.)
the sexiest part of a woman’s body (SnB)
(A balanced part of a complete breakfast!)
to hold the masses of peanut butter and honey, YUM! – Curvyroads
(I thought jelly was the opiate of the masses?)
addictive little pockets of crack cocaine. thematticuskingdom
(You mean those aren’t deliciously healthy nubs of fiber?!?)
Zoe here…Nooks are the creators cheaping out on a full piece of circle.
(Sounds like the beginning of a great story…arc.)
Zoe here again:Crannies are the filler, to make you think you’re full.
(Filler…like seasons two through five of Lost?)
how should I know? I’m a writer not a scientist! thematticuskingdom
(Michio Kaku says “why not be both?”.)
(And “buy my books”. He says that a lot too. )
a typo. It was supposed to be crooks and nannies. thematticuskingdom
(It was also a typo that left them stranded with a warehouse full of puffins.)
crooks and grannies-inventors of the Eng. muffin. The Sailor’s Woman
(I prefer books and jammies – anchors of the bedtime routine.)
PMAO. We call them ‘freedom muffins’.
(the only meaningful contribution of Congress to society in the last twenty years.)
I’m not sure, but he can spread butter on my toast any day! Susie Lindau
(Umm…what kind of muffins are we talking about here?)
The cellulite in my thighs. brickhousechick
(I can’t believe it’s not butter!)
places to hide more alcohol! Twindaddy
(I like to leave the alcohol out in the open. On muffin coasters.)
peanut butter holders – Rutabaga
(Just like that automatic tray on my computer!)

Congratulations to JakLumen for this weeks winning answer!!!, proving once again that polls are stranger than fiction. And from the offered choices, the most popular was They’re called “crumpets”, you bloody Yank!. So congratulations to all you English xenophobes out there too!

This week, My girl and I have been closing up an estate. There was a ton of packing and sorting and arranging before donating it to a variety of charities that will hopefully hand the stuff off to people who could use it.
It got me to thinking about all the stuff I have and, of course, all the stuff you have. So This weeks question is what do you do with it all??? Let us know as often as you like, but let us know by Tuesday, 1 April, 2359 EDT, because that’s when this one ends.
Try and keep yourself to three Other answers if you do write-ins, and if you do leave an Other, add a way to recognize you at the end, and I’ll link back to you next week.

And til next time, enjoy a quick behind the scenes view of every sitcom casting session ever,

Have a great weekend, everyone!

IT. IS. SPRING!!! And time for the Spring/Summer Stupidity!

Today’s Music: Today only, appearing at the bottom of the post.
Day’s Til Spring: 0!!!0!!!0!!!

At last. Spring. I can feel the earth softening, the trees starting to bloom, the hemlines rising.
The most wonderful time of the year is upon us.

Aaaaaaahhhhh…

Which means of course, that it is time for the annual listing of events for those like-minded individuals who really want to go out and play.
So here, more or less, is the (mostly) unexpurgated text of the email that went out the other day. (Apologies for all the non-imbedded links, this was copied right from the emial to keep that raw untamed fee…)
Anyone who wants to join in, let me know. Should be fun…

START EMAIL
Subject: The Spring and Summer Stupid

Well, the seasons have spun around again, and here we are on the verge (once more) of spring.
And if it’s spring, it means it’s time for me to try to drag you all down into the stupid with me.

(Don’t worry, it will be fun. And I’ll try and find bars and restaurants near most of the adventures listed.)

THE REALLY WANT TO DO
Surfing
Going to go with these guys again:
http://www.surflessonsnewyork101.com/

And for those of you that have them they give lessons to kids too. They have all the gear, all you need to do is show up.

Jet Skiing
Off of Coney Island. How can you say no?
http://jettyjumpers.com/

I think they might be the only ones in the city who do this. But come on, jet skiing? within city limits?
I really want to do this, though it is kind of pricey…

Kayaking
A bunch of options here
http://www.hudsonvalleyoutfitters.com/
These guys are a bit north of the city, and they do a bunch of fun tours. Some of them even include lunch! (It will even be dry! If the guide closes his storage bin.)
They also do rentals.

http://www.atlanticoutfitters.us/
These guys are in Port Washington. We’ve rented from them before, and it’s a nice day of paddling alongside the sailboats.

http://www.hudsonriverpark.org/explore/kayakingcp.html
These guys are out of chelsea piers. I’ve seen their kayaks in the water, but know nothing about them. Still, it’s possible…

Stand Up Paddleboarding
This was lots of fun for the hour or so last year. Best of all, it can be done on a weekday in the evening at the same place, which is
http://shop.nykayak.com/Stand-Up-Paddle-Board_ep_46-1.html
(They also do kayaking)
these guys were pretty good, and got all of us (5 people) up on the boards with no real problem.
Atlantic Outfitters above also say they do SUP, so that’s a possibility too.

Camping
Never been. Would like to go. I’m open to considering anything. The only requirement (says The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe) is that there be clean indoor plumbing available.
Doesn’t sound unreasonable…
So, where are we going to go? The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe and I should probably just start with a weekend, so we can get used to it.

THE WOULD BE NICE TO DO
Rock Climbing
Indoor is nice. I know of 3 indoor spots:
Chelsea Piers (really nice, but not the cheapest)
http://www.chelseapiers0.pth4.com/sc/club/climbing.cfm?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=chelsea%2520piers%2520rock%2520climbing&utm_campaign=Rock+Wall+Brand+-+G

Brooklyn Boulders (Never heard of them, but I’ll give them a shot…)
http://www.brooklynboulders.com/

Island Rock (Plainview, it’s a nice facility)
http://www.islandrock.net/

There’s another near midtown, but I can’t find a link.

I would really like to get outdoors to climb too. Most of my climbing is in New Paltz
I’ve climbed with these guys ( http://www.high-xposure.com/ ) but the original guy has since retired. We can find other guide services, probably through Rock and Snow. http://www.rockandsnow.com/store/

Flying Trapeze
http://www.trapezeschool.com/default.php
This has been on my list for the last few years, and I’d really like to go if the scheduling can be worked out.

AND KEEP IN MIND
Bike riding in central park (the path also goes past the bouldering area!)
Geocaching
Free summer concerts.

Also, hoping to get to Portland to go Bungee Jumping.

So, that’s what I’ve got.
Feel free to make more suggestions, and lets work out what we want to do when.

And may your warm weather months be as stupid and fun as possible!

/END EMAIL

If anyone wants to come along, or has suggestions to add, let me know in the comments.
And for everyone in the northern hemisphere – CONGRATULATIONS!!! WE MADE IT!!!

And now, for today’s music…
SNOOPY DANCE!!!

Friday Foolishness – Post Apocalyptic Edition

Today’s Music: Jimmy Witherspoon – Good Rockin’ Tonight

Welcome back to the Friday Foolishness, after a tumultuous week.
I’m thinking about using this space at the top of the Friday Foolishness space to highlight some of the posts I’ve seen over the week.
Thoughts? (After all, you guys are going to have to read it…)

But for now, lets just jump in to last weeks results, shall we?
Many of you had excellent ideas for how to spend your Friday the 13th (as always, italics are mine):
Um.. I think it is the 12th..Are you SURE?? Cause I think it’s not. lizziec
(Great, now I’m confused too…)
Q-tip my ears: Barking In The Dark
(No no, we stopped singing the hokey pokey. I hope…)
Drink myself blind and quiet the voices
(Quiets all the voices for me. Except the ones that tell me to keep drinking…)
make sure not to sit in row 13 on flight 1356 from Denver (yikes!)
(I sincerely hope you made it back ok!)
Bag the blow-up doll idea and make my hair look like Sarah Palin’s
(Perhaps make the blow-up dolls hair look like Sarah Palins instead?)
Toss Mensa daughter’s bedroom for good drugs. Friday the 13th is a lucky day!
(I can’t condone that kind of behavior! If you found any, I insist you turn them over at once to me for proper…disposal. hehehe)
Get out my Anal Probe kit.
(I knew that was you!!!)
Write an angry letter to my congressman about how there keeps being Friday 13ths
(Good luck. But I’m not sure many in the current congress know how to read…)
…be closing on my house. Nope! The builder pushed it back 5 weeks. Grumble.
(That sucks. But it does leave you time to participate in a bunch more of these polls!)
Wait, it’s the 13th – of January? That was one hellava hangover. Sandylikeabeach
(I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. You,young lady, are an inspiration. And I’m pretty sure you just one this weeks poll for that!!!)

Well, Sandylikeabeach wins this week’s poll (It almost went to H.E. Ellisfor being the only one to pick BRRRRAAAIINNSSS!!!. But I’m not sure I should be encouraging that kind of thing…)
And for those who want to know, the most chosen answer this poll was
I don’t care what the date is – it’s FRIDAY!!!!! WOOHOO!!!

Which leaves us with this weeks poll.
The big event this week was the Anti SOPA/PIPA.
Which made me wonder… (polling closes next Thurs at Midnight)
(Leave your name if you enter an other for a linkback)(and so we know who said what!)

And to keep you amused until next week (or the internet does shut down)…
The Woody Allen Firetruck routine.
Enjoy, vote often, see you around the bend…

An Insipid Cautionary Tale

Today’s Music: ABBA

CAUTION: The below is bad in ways too numerous to describe. But it’s my soapbox and I can yell what I want.
Do us all a favor and don’t encourage this behavior from me.
It’s for your own good.

INTRO VOICEOVER:
Join us now for a Lifetime Network Afterschool Special – “Peple With Stupid Problems – A Black Friday Tale” An insipid cautionary tale for the holiday season.

FADE IN

A MALE, ABOUT 38, LIES ON A BED. THERE ARE TUBES COMING OUT OF HIM. HE IS DRESSED IN SEVERAL DIRTY LAYERS AND A TATTERED CHRISTMAS SWEATER (You know, with the reindeers or snowmen or something), HIS HAND CRUSHING A STARBUCKS HOLIDAY CUP.
HE IS DIRTY, UNSHAVEN. HIS HAIR IS SCRAGGLY AND DIRTY, HIS FACE COVERED IN UNKEMPT WHISKERS

HIS CHEST IS COVERED IN RAVAGED BOXES, WE CAN ONLY MAKE OUT SOME OF THE LETTERS – XBO, LMO, KA LERS, OKSTON, WEBE.

THERE ARE PRICE TAGS STREWN ACROSS HIM LIKE NEW FALLEN SNOW.

AND BLOOD. SO MUCH BLOOD.

The camera pulls back, we see he is in an ICU OR, glass doors separating him from the main area. In rushes 2 SURGEONS (one male, one female) and a NURSE (male)

The SURGEONS are disheveled, BLOOD staining their scrubs. The nurse has a run in his stockings.

SURGEON1
Every year. The same madness. (HE WIPES THE SWEAT FROM HIS brow with his sleeves)
Nurse, I need a price scanner over here, Stat!

NURSE hands her a scanner. SURGEON1 waves it over the body, it’s red light illuminating impossibly damaged boxes, gift tags, holiday flyers.

SURGEON2
My God, this is the worst I’ve ever seen it. I don’t know if I can do another one of these.

SURGEON1 responds without looking up.
Hold it together, Tavison.

TAVISON
You don’t understand Jillian. My wife is out there. My kids.

JILLIAN doesn’t even look up, her hands now reaching in to unseen places while she speaks.
I’m sure they’ll be fine Tavison. Nurse, I need suction.

JILLIAN looks up as NURSE hands her a nozzle from a Tyson Dirt Devil

NURSE
What? It was on sale. I got a great deal before I came in.

JILLIAN takes the nozzle and moves it below the body, tucking it in out of sight. NURSE hits the power button.

THE MAN arches in pain and begins groaning. We see a stream of small gift boxes spinning in the vacuum collector. The vacuum starts to whine – something has snagged.

JILLIAN pulls the nozzle and begins working at it to free the object.

JILLIAN
Damn. I hate Black Friday. 3 years ago, my boyfriend went out to catch the sales and I never saw him again. This day is just evil.

She has managed to free the OBJECT and is now turning it in her hands examining it.

JILLIAN
He said he had to get something. That it was a surprise for us together. I thought he was going to propose, but he just disappeared.

She is looking at the OBJECT more closely. The light glints off it as she brings it closer to her face. The camera comes over her shoulder to focus on it as she reads aloud TO MY LOVE AND MY HEART,…
The camera shows JILLIANS face, a tear running down her cheek as she turns the OBJECT, which the camera cuts back to …JILLIAN

JILLIAN looks up, both eyes wet now, her face turning to the figure on the bed, who is looking at her now, his eyes alight with crazy

MAN
I couldn’t get back to you. Oh how I tried. But the sales, the bargains. I get swept up in the crowd, carried away form store to store, deal to deal.
We ravaged the Midwest. They called out the National Guard in Tuscaloosa to control us. There were firehouses to break us up in Alameda.
Binjago, Utah was wiped off the map completely. But those deals, oh those deals.

He collapses back to the bed, unconscious.

JILLIAN holds her face in her hands and cries.

TAVISON pulls off his scrubs.
Finish up here nurse. I’m going to save my family.

He strides out of the OR

FADE OUT

Friday Foolishness – Post Thanksgiving Edition

Today’s Music: Arlo Guthrie – Alice’s Restaurant

Happy Day After Thanksgiving.
Hope you are all fat and happy.

Arlo Guthrie’s traditional Thanksgiving classic is above. Enjoy the performance.

Now to old business.
Last week’s poll brought some interesting Other answers:
– Anything. ‘Cause me juggling anything is comedy. And sad.
– jugglers
– Volkswagens, cause that would impress the chicks
– I’m combining two of your choices and saying wet, soapy cats.

I personally like them all, the first because it gives voice to the joy and pathos of life (hey, it’s Friday Foolishness. Yes, I can say things like that). The second, just for the meta-ness of it, and the third because I think it would work (despite what Weenie Girl says.
And Cats and soap? How could you not love that!

And the winner, with the most votes, is
Time (but I’m too busy to schedule a class)

Thanks to all you lucky guessers out there.

Today’s question in keeping with the season, is

Voting ends 1 December 23:59 (Thursday Night)

Have a great weekend!