Tag Archives: what was I thinking?

Friday Foolishness – Extra Bright Edition


Today’s Music: Eddie Rabbit – I Love a Rainy Night
Days Til Spring: 18

Welcome back all. This was a busy week for me here in the blogosphere. On Wednesday, The Hobbler and all her plethora of many co- conspirators tried to set up both myself and the inimitable Edward Hotspur with some silliness.
Which we of course foiled in comments here, in most of the links above, and really, on a nice hefty chunk of the ‘sphere.
Thanks to Hobbler for (trying to) set(ting) us up. I had a blast, and really was laughing out loud as it all went horribly, hilariously wrong…

Of course, I wasn’t the only one babbling online this week.
A Gripping Life talked about live music, a topic close to my heart. Eric Murtaugh asked if the quest for adventure was Religious or Insane, and I was ecstatic to find out that a blogger I have an awful lot of respect for, She Speaks, has a brain! Seriously, I hang out on her site. It has to make me look good by association!
No?
Not even a little bit?
Sigh…

What the hell is normal around here anyway? Oh yeah, this is...


You should check out their posts, then hang out for the rest of their blogs. Really, they and all the rest of you are what gets me through the week.

But do that later. Because we have some old bidness and some new bidness.
In old, I gotta say, you all surprised me. When I asked last week about earworms, I expected that Toni (I don’t want to put the whole name in case I trigger painful flashbacks) would take the most abuse in the comments, and she did, but she was not the winner of the poll.
The most hated earworm was, to my surprise, It’s a Small World After All, with Itsy Bitsy Spider a close second.
Which reinforces what I’ve always said – children are evil.
Yes, I’ve always said that.

In the comments, Alex Autin, having won previously, disqualified herself with Barney.
Barney? Really? I lob a couple of friendly hand grenades, and you come at me with nuclear annihilation?
There were also some great picks in the comments that I really don’t want to drag out into the light of day, and I laughed my way through the week (and my medication) because of them. But this weeks winner from the others is Weenie Girl, with The Mister Softee Jingle!!!
Thanks, Weenie Girl. My shrink will be contacting you for payment.

So, now that that is thankfully behind us, lets get on to the new foolishness…
Last weeks poll only had a few choices. And none of them were BRRAAIINNNSSS.
So to make it up to you this week, not only do you get those fantastic images from She Speaks, but this poll.
Feel free to leave your favorite recipes in the comments, just do it before next thursday, 23:59.
And as always, leave your name next to your Other answer and Ill link back to you next week..


Finally, to get the winning song from last week out of your head, I offer you some quality Jamaican piano jazz. Seriously, I saw this guy last night, and my socks are gone. Because he blew them off. Don’t say it, Hotspur.

And for those of you that have already seen the Walk Off The Earth cover of Gotye’s Somebody That I Used To Know, I offer you this hilarious parody. I’ve been laughing at it all week.

Have a great weekend, all. See you on the next pass….

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Tag and Release


Today’s Music: The English Beat – Save It For Later
Days Til Spring: 24

We know who you are, where you are, and what you had for dinner.

Ok, El Guapo sucks at these. He has been blessed with nominations for a bunch of awards from bloggers he respects. So far, The Guapster thinks he has acknowledged two. But Guapamole got hammered all of a sudden with tags. Seriously, it’s like a drunken WWE brawl in the ‘sphere right now. Plus, two of the taggers asked Guapowitz very nicely to do this. Translation: They said they’d do things to GuapWithoutWits you wouldn’t do to the neighbor’s cat.

So Count Guapula is responding to a hideous stack of questions. And Guapatine has enjoyed answering them. Some of them really made him think. And some of them really made him think the questioner was insane. But in a good way. So, if there’s anything else you want to know about the GuapTart, send an email, or put a question in About or Adminisilliness. SmashingGuapkins will answer. But he probably won’t do many more of these. Unless the threat is particularly entertaining…
So here are the answers. And you should check out the blogs of them that asked. They are all a lot of fun, and GuapoBell is honored that they all chose to burden me tag him!
If Count Guapula has missed someone that gave him this award, he is sincerely sorry, and he will do his best to make up for it if you let him know.
(Questions are in bold, which is the only place in this post you will find 1st person singular nouns.)
Adair You
1. Die a bit younger with all your facilities or, die at a ripe old age, having no idea what is going on.
Dying with his facilities intact might be nice for a change. Lord knows El Guapo has lived long enough without them…
2. Have you ever eaten gefilte fish?
Eaten and loved. With horseradish. But not the jelly stuff. Guaparoni doesn’t know what the hell that is. (Gefilte fish itself is a compressed loaf, generally made of whitefish bits)
3. Your perfect companion. (Yes, LiC and Guap, you may just post photos of your beloved).
In the interest of anonymity, TheGuap’s girl won’t let him post a pic.
4. Do you still write real letters?
Guapola photographs and arrange pieces of Alpha Bits for all his correspondence. If it’s important, he tapes the cereal to the page.
Honestly, Guapowitz thinks birthday/holiday cards are the only non-bills he mails anymore….And the occasional t-shirt (you know who you are).
5. Movie or play or book?
Book. Though El Guapo really enjoys all three media.
6. What have you done you’d prefer your parents not discover?
You know, after GuapTart turned thirty, he pretty much admitted everything. Turns out it was all pretty funny. After the fact…
7. Do you/Did you like your inlaws? (me Nope.)
Mostly. El Guapo loves his girl’s Mom – she is an incredible cook.
8. Regular coffee or the fancy schmancy stuff?
Regular. El Guapo has yet to stand in a Starbucks and ask for a Grande. It’s a medium cup of coffee, dammit.
9. One thing on your bucket list.
Not dying.
10. Biggest surprise you’ve had.
That his girl picked him.
11. Pick an ethnicity other than you own. Why?
Iroquois. El Guapo doesn’t know near enough about the First Peoples, but from what he does know, they have the best philosophies around…

LizzieCrackecd (not broken)
1. What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
African or European?
2. How do you feel hearing everyone has a water buffalo… And you realize you don’t (if you DO have a water buffalo, skip this question and answer the bonus I have a water buffalo question)
Guapanese doesn’t need to accessorize himself like everyone else. Just because the cool kids have a water buffalo doesn’t mean GuapAndRoll needs a water buffalo. He knows Timmy in the fourth grade said he had to have a water buffalo if he wanted to be cool, but Timmy’s an idiot. Even if he does have a signed Tito Puente lunchbox. (Wap-Bop-Guapoloobop wants a water buffalo!)
3. Who is your favorite cartoon character?
Pinky. NARF!!!
4. Who is you favorite super hero?
The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe. And you, lizziec – the most awesome Naked Scissor runner ever.
5. IF I had the power to confuse you as my super power, what would you think about frogs?
El Guapo thinks fro- Wait a minute – TheGuap sees what you did there. He thinks…
6. Which is more fun… pulling teeth or tea in China? NO wait..I think I got mixed up…
Guapola likes pulling tea off of teeth in China.
6. What does that have to do with the price of tea in china ?
El Guapo doesn’t know. Does anyone ever expect the Spanish Inquisition?
7. How old are you mentally ?
No idea – it’s hard to do math with the alphabet blocks. Though El Guapo thinks he just answered your question.
8. If you could go back to any age what age would you choose?
The age of enlightenment.
Or the age of Beets. Whatever…
9. If life gave you lemons and tequila was unavailable what would you do with them?
The Guap would wait for the first person who said “Make lemonade!”.
Then he would squirt lemon juice in their eye.
10 How much wood can a woodchuck chuck.
Sadly, they only chuck when GuapperWithCheese is trying to sleep, so he has not been able to count.
11. How do you get rid of those pesky woodchucks anyhow?
Guapunzel hopes you don’t think he’s overreacting, but he likes nuclear weapons for that job.
What?

Bonus I already have a water buffalo question:
are you happy with your water buffalo or would you prefer a Cebu?

HEY YEAH! Guaparoo will get a cebu! That’ll show Timmy!!!

More Zen Now
1. What would you do if I sang out of tune?
Join in, probably making inapppropriate animal noises. Or change the lyrics.
2. Coffee or Tea?
Beer.
3. Soccer or Rugby?
Curling!!!
4. Liberal, Conservative or Nunya Beeswax?
Right now, Disgusted.
5. Love or hate Stanley Kubrick?
Generally love, but really can depend on the flick.
6. What is your favorite era, where and why?
Favorite ERA would be the 28th amendment (if it passes before any other amendments).
7. If stranded on a desert island who would you most like to be with?
El Guapo’s wife. And someone with a boat.
8. If you have children do you sometimes hate them a little? (Yes , I loves my chilluns but…)?
No kids, but El Guapo is frequently not a fan of those of his friends.
9. What is your favorite novel and why?
Tough one. Maybe The Old Man and the Sea by Hemmingway. It’s a very moving story, told very directly. Not a wasted word in it.
10. Sonny or Cher?
Chaz. Wow, that’ll stop you for a sec, won’t it!
11. What is your preferred method of de-stressing?
Whatever happens to be the first thing The Guap does after all these questions!

RantOnIt
1. If you were stuck in a burning building with no possible means of escape but had a bag of marshmallows….. Would you toast them over the fire or just eat ‘em straight?
Guapowitz would melt them just enough to make some clever Macgyver type marshmallow based contraption to escape, then get a job as the Marshmallow Lobby spokesman.
Oh, and toasted.
2. The funniest knock knock knock you can think of
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupti-
MOO!!!
3. Weirdest thing you’ve eaten.
Weird is relative. El Guapo has yet to be given a food option that he has flat out declined, untried.
Did once eat a fish eye. Gelatinous on the outside, hard and plasticky core.
4. Tell me what you’d do if a bird excreted on your head.
Happened to GuaperBell in France. He cursed the French. In English.
5. Stupidest thing you did while you were sober
Dude, there ain’t enough space on the internet for El Guapo to list every stupid thing he’s done that is tied for number one.
6.Can you run 2 miles if I kick you out of bed at 4am…. to chase me down ….. Theoretically. In reality I won’t make it the first mile.
No. But Guapola can wait for your tired ass to get back.
hehehe.
7. How many quarter pounders do you think you can eat in a sitting?
If memory serves, about a dozen. Now? Maybe 9.
8. Bacon or Beer. You must decide!
El Guapo decides yes.
9. Can you tell me, an exact use for a rubber duck?
Yes, The Guap can.
10. in your dreams….. Are you on top?
Upside down, frequently.
11. Rosie Huntington-Whitley or Megan fox? You Must Decide!
The entire internet and those are the choices?!?

NicoleColredGlasses
1. What is the most exciting thing you have ever done in your life?
GuapingtonBear will go with letting go of an airplane in flight. But honestly that probably isn’t the most exciting thing…Actually, he can’t pick one right now…
2. How would you wear gasses if you didn’t have a nose?
If El Guapo somehow lost his nose, would blurry vision even be something he was worrying about at that point? Or Guap would just get a Navin R Johnson Opti-grab.
3. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
The bitter voice of experience says no. It just means leaving a little extra in the checking account to pay for the consequences.
4. How do you know if you have fallen in love if you don’t have any bruises?
well, if you have to ask…
5. You want to have sex with a tampon?
El Guapo doesn’t know. Is it cute and disease free?
6. If you had to come up with a Major sports team name what would it be?
MoneyGrabbers
7. Are redheads good in bed?
Redheads in general, or is there a specific one to be investigated?
8. What is your favorite book and why?
K, El Guapo answered Old Man and the Sea above, so now he’ll go with John McPhee Looking For A Ship. It’s an account of life on a Merchant Marine ship, published in 1990. It’s a favorite, that he has enjoyed re-reading…
9. Do fish get thirsty?
Only if they haven’t been drinking enough.
10. How come when socks come out of the dryer, there’s only one of each?
Because the other had to report back to the mothership to provide intelligence to our alien overlords.
11. Do you believe is fairies?
As Shakespeare said, There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy…
El Guapo thinks that covers it.

RC
1- What do you think happens when you die?
The maestro will be decomposing.
2- Creation vs Evolution?
Evolution. And don’t go waving that “banana shape” argument at Guapalooney either.
3- Will there ever be an end to suffering?
Shortly after the first question happens.
4- Do you believe in global warming?
Yes. And don’t go waving that “banana shape” argument at Guapalooney either.
5- What would be your dream job?
Guapski would like to test adventure gear in the field for a living. And beer. He would like to test beer too.
6- What’s your ideal vacation spot?
The Guapster has a serious weakness for the tropical islands around the Carribean. he would like to rent a barebones sailboat and cruise around El Mar Caribe for a month, visiting the best ports and bars, as well as uninhabited islets.
Ah, what a way to spend some time…
No, he has never done that before. Yet…
7- Are you content with the choices you made in your life?
El Guapo was aware of the consequences of some of the stupider things he did in his youth. That being said, the bastard is singularly unrepentant. He also thinks that if it hadn’t gone that way, he never would have found and married the most wonderful girl in the universe. That’s how it went. He ain’t gonna worry about it now… He just wishes he hadn’t drank all that cough syrup this morning…
8- If you knew you’re going to die tomorrow, what would you do?
Leave the water running.
9- Are you adventurous?
Ha, really? Guapowitz is quite possibly the most fearless (read: stupidest) attempter of shennanigans ever to stomp the earth.
10- Have you ever tried yoga or meditation?
Guapalocious believes the unexamined life is not worth living. He also thinks that ignorance is bliss. he ponders the paradox of these two perspectives every once in a while.
Also, he tried yoga twice. And is relieved he doesn’t get embarrassed like normal people.
11- Whats the best meal you’ve ever had?
In his youth, Guaptastic once sailed in the Around Long Island Regatta. At the end of the race (about 3 am), hte crew was invited to grab a meal at the hosting yacht club’s dining room.

The Guapster will not tag anyone, but if he were to (or if anyone just wants to answer), these are the questions he would ask:
1- What did you do that you never thought you would?
2- Mustard or Ketchup?
3- If it were that much fun, would everyone really be doing it?
4- What is your online name based on?
5- If you are above legal drinking age, do you still have a stuffed animal? If you are below legal drinking age, do your parents?
6- Finish the sentence: The quick brown fox jumped over __________
7- Would you rather go into battle with an attack penguin or a carrier mole?
8- Greatest golf movie ever made?
9- What bad movie have you seen that could have been great? And how would you have fixed it?
10- Why does everyone else seem to want to strand you on a desert island?
11- What one thing never fails to make you smile?

For those of you that are wondering what the hell is going on with the 3rd person pronouns, El Guapo blames The Hobbler. It is totally her fault. and he believes First person pronouns in the questions themselves are acceptable.
Also, El Guapo sincerely thanks Ginger Snaap, Old Dog, New Tits and LizzieCrackecd (not broken) for spending a day on twitter and giving all these @Guapowitz variations he could use.
If someone would like to thank them by taking all this free time off their hands, El Guapo would sincerely appreciate it.

I’m an Ass…but Glittery!


Today’s Music: Queen – Fat Bottomed Girls
Days Til Spring: 41

Okay, I’ve gotten a few awards. I’m terrible at acknowledging them, for several reasons.
– They are an awful lot of work to justify
– There’s an awful lot of linking to blogs of others you like.
– I have to say things about myself that even I don’t find interesting
– Someone gets left out
– Typing up the 15 to 72 links gets really tiring

But then, this was bestowed upon me, by the ever so sparkly-assed Kayjai.
And I couldn’t refuse.
Because beneath that polite Canadian exterior, I’m pretty sure there’s a madwoman who would throttle me without a second thought.

And, like all awards, this one has rules:
1 – I have to name 5 things that I do that would make people want to kill me (or just hate me) (a lot).
– Even though I don’t do it here, in the real world I curse like a ^&%)(&*@*()#&(#%R&%*$*%(@&$). All the *(&^)#$@ time.
– I smoke like a chimney. And am unrepentant.
– However, if you do something…questionable in public, I will point and yell “REPENT, SINNER” as loud as I can.
– I am a music snob.
– I wear Hawaiian shirts whenever I can. Proudly.

Would a Hawaiian shirt go with this?


2 – List 5 things that I would stick up my ass if forced to. (Because that is the only way it’s going up there).
– My keys. Because whenever I’m out with friends and I ask where they’ve gone, someone invariably responds “did you check up your ass?”
– This. Because many times people have asked “Alright Guap. How are you going to pull this out of your ass?” Stick around, Spanky.
– A wireless speaker connected to a microphone. So I can, in fact, talk out of my ass.
– The complete encyclopedia Britannica. To whip out when someone falsely accuses me of talking out of my ass during an argument
– Handi Wipes. Just sayin…
B – Run across a freeway blindfolded
Already done this blind drunk. In Annapolis, MD. Close enough…
3 – Pick a Prom Court.
I have no idea what the hell this means. But that never stopped me before:
LizzieCracked – A little because she’s given me 20? 30? awards that I’ve never acknowledged, but mostly because she has a unique perspective, is one of my hands down coolest online friends, and I’d love to see what she does with this.
A Frank Angle – Because he is probably one of the nicest people I’ve met online, and can’t think of how would possibly respond to this. (Sorry, did I mention innapropriate?)
Alex Autin – Because in addition to great pictures and adventures, She can hold her own with the raunchiest of ’em.
Red – Because she will turn it into something deep and meaningful and hilarious and make me hurt myself laughing while she does it.
John Phillips – because he comes up with great bands I’ve never heard of (they’re Canadian), and I think he’d get a kick out this too.
– And finally (because like I said, all the link embedding gets tiring), Lily – I’m pretty sure she will put together a much more entertaining rant than I managed to.

So, thank you very much, this Glitter’s for you!

If I wear these, everyone can see the glitter!

Friday Foolishness – Football Edition


Today’s Music: Snooks Eaglin – Sleepwalk
Days Til Spring: 44
(a note on today’s music – I absolutely love this song. I hope you do to. Special thanks to Nick Spitzer of American Routes on NPR for finally giving me the name!)

Weather Terrorist.


Well, here we are again. Another week, wasted at work…
Fortunately, I had the blogosphere to keep me company.
Sandylikeabeach posted a beautiful Happy Birthday message to her dad.
Merilee Mitchell alerted me to some sad goings on in a beautiful spot in the desert
Apparently, someone gave Eric Murtaugh room to do a guest post,
and Alex Autin made me talk like Steve Irwin. Fortunately, it wasn’t out loud.

You guys, and everyone else, are part of what I look forward to every week!

Last week, Guapola wanted to know about you and the State of the Union.
Here’s what you said (Commments in italics are mine)
it’s time to invest in a decent Blu-ray & enjoy my starwars boxset! Kanerva 🙂
(Ah, Star Wars. Another heart warming story of the relationship between citizens and the government…)
of the state of the crapper in my BR that is clogged again and useless lizziec
(An excellent political metaphor, lizziecracked!)
‘tics is a four-letter word, but politicians are too stupid to spell it. Red.
(I think they can only spell words with the letter “$” in it, Red…)
that they opposing party does not deserve a televised response time.
(Sometimes, I’m not sure the party in power deserves the television time.)
of sleeping through it.
(WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!)
That I had something more important to do in the other room. Like the dishes.
(Which is why, my fellow Americans, in the next election, I promise you, a dishwasher in every house!)
We have better writers on WordPress. – The Hobbler
(And you are one of them, Hobbler!)
being Canadian, I have to ask, What is the state of the union?
(Being American, I have to answer, not that good.)
What State of the Union?
(Are you Canadian too?)
That I damn well better start working for Obama again. The alternatives suck
(I really hope we don’t find out how badly they really do suck come November!)
alcohol can make anything entertaining. theworldaccordingtoscarp
(Entertaining. Or sad. So very, very sad…)
I try not to think too much. It hurts…
(They make a pill for that! Several, in fact…)
that I should watch it but got highlights from comedians on Twitter instead.
(That and The Daily Show are where I get most of my news from!)
The States of America, for this country is not United. – Rich Crete
(Dude, you are totally killing my buzz)
I’ve never heard of a state called ‘The Union’. Are there 51 states now? GingrSnaap
(Yes, it’s where the Veggies from VeggieTales live.)
American TV ran out of programming. Thank God for the Canadian channels. John Phillips
(What, you don’t love the Kardashians?!?)
State of the Union? Was there a State of the Union? Alex Autin….things I LOVE!
(In name only, Alex…)
There was a State of Union?? I think I slept through it. TEXT
(As did several senators, I believe…)
i LOVE Boehner’s new shade of orange barkinginthedark
(It’s like he’s diseased and irradiated!)

However, it seemed many of you just watched the event to Marvel at the size of Obama’s ears.
Hey, there are worse ways to spend an evening, I suppose…
And for those keeping track, there were 2 votes for BBRRRAAAIIINNNSSSSS!!! Thanks for keeping the dream alive!

This week (keeping with our topical polls of late), we turn our eyes to that game of games, the Superbowl!


Vote early, vote often! Poll closes next Thursday at 1159 pm.
See you next week. And to keep you busy until then, 2 things you’ve probably all seen before, but are still fun:
Matrix Ping Pong!!!

and Bill Murrays speech from the end of Groundhog Day.

Have a good weekend, see you ’round the bend…

A bit of Silly for your Sunday…


Today’s Music: Animaniacs – Cheese Roll Call (Yes, it’s a song.)(That I first heard on a CD.)(That I bought.)(So there.)
Days Til Spring: 58

A bit of silliness for your Sunday…

Ladle Spoons and Jellybeans
Ladle spoons and jellybeans
I come before you
to stand behind you
to tell you something of which I know nothing about.

Since this Thursday is Good Friday,
there will be a mothers meeting for fathers only.
Admission is free,
pay at the door.
Take your seats and sit on the floor

Midnight shined over the ocean,
not a trolley car in sight.
Two men got off the subway, prepared for a fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords
And shot each other.

If you don;t believe my lies, even though they’re true,
You can ask the blind man.

He saw it too.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has ever heard this. The internet was surprisingly unhelpful inn finding more about this…

An Adventure – The First Naked Bar Dance


Today’s Music: Violent Femmes – Blister in the Sun

*Disclaimer – The story below is as true as I remember it. But I was pretty drunk at the time.

It looks so innocent...


This story takes place probably during my third or fourth year of college. Definitely not my fifth.
So I’m in this bar (as I often was). On a Sunday afternoon (when I often was).
Me and the bartender (whose name I just realize I have completely forgotten) are hanging out. I’m drinking up the last of the money I had, but that’s ok. I spent a lot of time in this bar, and really never wanted for a drink. When I was ahead, I spent it all, when I was behind, they covered me.

So Bartender and I are just shooting the breeze. It’s a beautiful spring day, so no one is around.Just the two of us. There might have been some card playing, but I don’t recall…

In walk Jimmy and the boys, back from a day at the pitch and putt. They’re laughing and telling stories, ragging on each others golfing as they settle in at the bar.

Jimmy pulls out a small wad of cash. “Aright fellas, what are you having?” Everyone calls out their drink orders.
Jimmy turns to me.
“Sorry Jimmy, I’m tapped”
“That wasn’t the question, Guap. What’ll you have?”
See what I mean? It was that kind of bar. So I get another beer.
This goes on for several rounds. We’re telling stories, throwing darts, and I’m close to hammered by the middle of the afternoon.
So Jimmy calls out for another round. The Terror declines a beer, says “Give me a Jameson. I can drink that smoother than anything else.”
(There? Did you see that? That was my cue.)
“Hah”, I call out. “I can drink that smoother than you”
The Terror gives me the once over, sees that I’m drunk. We’d been hanging out a long time.
“If I drink this smoother than you” he says, “What do I win?”
At this point, I should have shut up. But I’m me. So I didn’t.
I stand next to him at the corner of the bar, thinking a moment.
“If you drink that smoother than me, I will dance naked…” – open my hand and slap the bar top…”On”…slap..”this”…slap…”BAR!!!”
SET ‘EM UP!

Bartender pulls another round, sets up a filled rocks glass of Jameson for The Terror, sets up a full rocks glass of Jameson for me.
(For the record, there was nothing smart about this. Having once sucked down half a fifth of Jack Daniels once, I never developed a like for Whiskey. More of a tequila man, me…)

Everyone watches as The Terror downs his shot. Smooth.
All eyes turn to me as I down my shot. Smooth.
“I don’t know, Guap”, chimes in one of the guys.”I think Terror was smoother”
“What?!?” I shoot back, surprised. Considering I was drunk enough where balance was now an issue, I thought I downed it pretty well. One quick shot, no spillage, no dribbling. (I don’t have to like a liquor to give it respect. I’m classy that way.)
Nods and murmurs of agreement form the guys. They thought John was smoother.
But I’m a man of my word.”CLEAR THE BAR!!!” I shout as my battle cry.
Everyones eyes fly all the way open in surprise as I start getting out of my shirt.
“Guap”, says The Terror, “You don’t have to do this.”
CLEAR THE BAR!!!” as I take off my boat shoes.
“Dude” says Jimmy, “you really don’t have to do this”.
“CLEAR. THE. BAR!!!”
“He’s doing it fellas. Move your drinks!”

I looked better than this...


The bar at this place was a long U – twenty feet along the length, two five foot sections at the ends. I was at the corner of the bottom (furthest from the door) of the bar.
They cleared the bar.
I hopped up in the altogether and started to dance my naked self down towards the front.
Now above the bar was a lowered section of roof. I’m about six feet tall, and I had about 4 feet of room, so I was hunched over. Remember that. It will be important in a minute.
So I’m dancing down the bar, hunched over, knees wide for balance and because there is really no way to keep them in.
The guys are laughing themselves silly, and I’m trying to see and not fall over.
I make it to the end of the bar, down the return and turn around.

So now you have a pretty good idea of the scene. Me, naked, dancing on top of the bar, knees wide for balance, turning back around.
What you don’t know, because I haven’t mentioned it yet, is the girl. Sitting in the corner of the bar. Right where I’m starting to turning around.
She is sitting there, head turned away, hand over her face.
She picks that moment to look up to see if it’s safe.
As I’m halfway through my turn.Knees spread. Right. In front. Of her.
Fortunately, I’m already bent over, so I don’t have to yell as i slur “I’m sorry, I lost a bet”.
She “Eeps” and hides her face again.

...but probably not as good as this.


I stumble back down the bar, and get off, to the cheers and applause of the guys. Who hid my clothes.
they left behind my boat shoes and belt. So I put those on, hung a couple of strategic napkins from the belt and ordered another beer.
Jimmy couldn’t stop laughing, but managed to sputter out that we all hadn’t eaten in a while, and we should all take a walk up to Dunkin Donuts to get some food.
I was halfway out the door before they pulled me back.

It was a good day. But not the last time I was naked in a bar…

A Literary Limerick – Sorcerer’s (Philosopher’s) Stone


Today’s Music: The Eels – Hey Man
Days ’til Spring: 76
Today’s Question: Why the hell is there a nail clipper in the pocket of my ski jacket?!?

Alright folks, I got nothing. I was going to go with the first naked bar dance, but I actually need to write that down before I post it. Be patient.
So instead, as a way to separate the weak from the strong (read that as the sane from the not), you’re getting a Harry Potter limerick.

Remember, I’m doing this for your own good.
Because it certainly isn’t for mine.

Don’t worry, I’ve left you an amusing video at the bottom as brain bleach.

*If Warner Brothers, JK Rowling, or Bloomsbury have an issue with this for some bizzarro copyright reason, let me know and I”ll take it down. Really, you’d be doing the world a favor…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
A young boy with a scar on his head
His parents, both sadly were dead
When he reached age eleven,
thought he’d been admitted to heaven

But had to fight the “2 headed” teacher instead.

You’re welcome.