Tag Archives: what was I thinking?

An Adventure – The First Naked Bar Dance


Today’s Music: Violent Femmes – Blister in the Sun

*Disclaimer – The story below is as true as I remember it. But I was pretty drunk at the time.

It looks so innocent...


This story takes place probably during my third or fourth year of college. Definitely not my fifth.
So I’m in this bar (as I often was). On a Sunday afternoon (when I often was).
Me and the bartender (whose name I just realize I have completely forgotten) are hanging out. I’m drinking up the last of the money I had, but that’s ok. I spent a lot of time in this bar, and really never wanted for a drink. When I was ahead, I spent it all, when I was behind, they covered me.

So Bartender and I are just shooting the breeze. It’s a beautiful spring day, so no one is around.Just the two of us. There might have been some card playing, but I don’t recall…

In walk Jimmy and the boys, back from a day at the pitch and putt. They’re laughing and telling stories, ragging on each others golfing as they settle in at the bar.

Jimmy pulls out a small wad of cash. “Aright fellas, what are you having?” Everyone calls out their drink orders.
Jimmy turns to me.
“Sorry Jimmy, I’m tapped”
“That wasn’t the question, Guap. What’ll you have?”
See what I mean? It was that kind of bar. So I get another beer.
This goes on for several rounds. We’re telling stories, throwing darts, and I’m close to hammered by the middle of the afternoon.
So Jimmy calls out for another round. The Terror declines a beer, says “Give me a Jameson. I can drink that smoother than anything else.”
(There? Did you see that? That was my cue.)
“Hah”, I call out. “I can drink that smoother than you”
The Terror gives me the once over, sees that I’m drunk. We’d been hanging out a long time.
“If I drink this smoother than you” he says, “What do I win?”
At this point, I should have shut up. But I’m me. So I didn’t.
I stand next to him at the corner of the bar, thinking a moment.
“If you drink that smoother than me, I will dance naked…” – open my hand and slap the bar top…”On”…slap..”this”…slap…”BAR!!!”
SET ‘EM UP!

Bartender pulls another round, sets up a filled rocks glass of Jameson for The Terror, sets up a full rocks glass of Jameson for me.
(For the record, there was nothing smart about this. Having once sucked down half a fifth of Jack Daniels once, I never developed a like for Whiskey. More of a tequila man, me…)

Everyone watches as The Terror downs his shot. Smooth.
All eyes turn to me as I down my shot. Smooth.
“I don’t know, Guap”, chimes in one of the guys.”I think Terror was smoother”
“What?!?” I shoot back, surprised. Considering I was drunk enough where balance was now an issue, I thought I downed it pretty well. One quick shot, no spillage, no dribbling. (I don’t have to like a liquor to give it respect. I’m classy that way.)
Nods and murmurs of agreement form the guys. They thought John was smoother.
But I’m a man of my word.”CLEAR THE BAR!!!” I shout as my battle cry.
Everyones eyes fly all the way open in surprise as I start getting out of my shirt.
“Guap”, says The Terror, “You don’t have to do this.”
CLEAR THE BAR!!!” as I take off my boat shoes.
“Dude” says Jimmy, “you really don’t have to do this”.
“CLEAR. THE. BAR!!!”
“He’s doing it fellas. Move your drinks!”

I looked better than this...


The bar at this place was a long U – twenty feet along the length, two five foot sections at the ends. I was at the corner of the bottom (furthest from the door) of the bar.
They cleared the bar.
I hopped up in the altogether and started to dance my naked self down towards the front.
Now above the bar was a lowered section of roof. I’m about six feet tall, and I had about 4 feet of room, so I was hunched over. Remember that. It will be important in a minute.
So I’m dancing down the bar, hunched over, knees wide for balance and because there is really no way to keep them in.
The guys are laughing themselves silly, and I’m trying to see and not fall over.
I make it to the end of the bar, down the return and turn around.

So now you have a pretty good idea of the scene. Me, naked, dancing on top of the bar, knees wide for balance, turning back around.
What you don’t know, because I haven’t mentioned it yet, is the girl. Sitting in the corner of the bar. Right where I’m starting to turning around.
She is sitting there, head turned away, hand over her face.
She picks that moment to look up to see if it’s safe.
As I’m halfway through my turn.Knees spread. Right. In front. Of her.
Fortunately, I’m already bent over, so I don’t have to yell as i slur “I’m sorry, I lost a bet”.
She “Eeps” and hides her face again.

...but probably not as good as this.


I stumble back down the bar, and get off, to the cheers and applause of the guys. Who hid my clothes.
they left behind my boat shoes and belt. So I put those on, hung a couple of strategic napkins from the belt and ordered another beer.
Jimmy couldn’t stop laughing, but managed to sputter out that we all hadn’t eaten in a while, and we should all take a walk up to Dunkin Donuts to get some food.
I was halfway out the door before they pulled me back.

It was a good day. But not the last time I was naked in a bar…

A Literary Limerick – Sorcerer’s (Philosopher’s) Stone


Today’s Music: The Eels – Hey Man
Days ’til Spring: 76
Today’s Question: Why the hell is there a nail clipper in the pocket of my ski jacket?!?

Alright folks, I got nothing. I was going to go with the first naked bar dance, but I actually need to write that down before I post it. Be patient.
So instead, as a way to separate the weak from the strong (read that as the sane from the not), you’re getting a Harry Potter limerick.

Remember, I’m doing this for your own good.
Because it certainly isn’t for mine.

Don’t worry, I’ve left you an amusing video at the bottom as brain bleach.

*If Warner Brothers, JK Rowling, or Bloomsbury have an issue with this for some bizzarro copyright reason, let me know and I”ll take it down. Really, you’d be doing the world a favor…

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
A young boy with a scar on his head
His parents, both sadly were dead
When he reached age eleven,
thought he’d been admitted to heaven

But had to fight the “2 headed” teacher instead.

You’re welcome.

An Adventure – Learning to Climb – Part The First


Today’s Music: Pink Floyd – Learning to Fly

Quick note – All Rock Face pictures copied from Mountain Project
Walking in for an opening shift at the restaurant one day, the conversation went like this:
Me (walking in): Hi Fred. Good weekend?
Fred (the bartender, doing his opening tasks): Real good. Went Rock Climbing.
Me (stopping): Sorry – what’s that again?
Fred: I went climbing up by New Paltz.
Me: You’re kidding.
Fred: No, It was great.
Me: You’re kidding.
Fred. No. At the Shawangunks
Me: You’re kidding
Fred (beginning to back away): We had a great time.
Me (bug-eyed): Wow!
Fred (smiling again) You want to go next time?

That’s all it took.

So two weeks later, we piled into Fred’s pickup and headed up to New Paltz. After a quick stop at Rock and Snow to rent my climbing gear, we hit the cliffs.

Conquering the cliff isn't the point. But it sure is fun.

Fred did an excellent job explaining the gear – Harness, shoes, carabiner, ATC (Air Traffic Controller – what your partner uses to prevent you from becoming jelly when you come off the cliff face).

Guys, the harness won't look good or feel good. The ATC will prevent unscheduled landings.

We get to the Gunks and hike up to the face. Fred gives me a “hi-how-ya-doin” on the basics of climbing, and then he shimmies up Dirty Chimney.

A nice simple shimmy up the chimney.

I follow. It’s like scrambling up a very steep hill, using your hands and feet. And you know what? It’s pretty damn cool.

So we move on to Classic – a 5.6.
(Climb difficulty is ranked as “5.x.” 5.0 – 5.1 is like Dirty Chimney – easy, some scrambling. 5.14 is the most difficult rank – like hanging upside down from a fingernail. Just one.)

It has all the elements of a classic climb, including the short roof by the climber.

Up we go. Fred climbs and places “pro” – protection. These are the bits that anchor our climbing rope to the cliff. I stand at the bottom, playing out the rope and making sure he has enough slack to move, but not so much that he’ll hit ground if he falls. He gets to the top and secures himself. It’s my turn.
I double and triple check that I’m tied in correctly. And off I go.

Here is the approach to climbing I’ve learned: Make sure your security is bulletproof. Make sure the rope anchors are bulletproof. Make sure your harness and atc are bulletproof.
Then climb like they aren’t there.
I put my hand on the face and find a spot for my foot. “Climbing” I yell up to Fred as I shift my weight, my other foot leaving the dirt floor. I’M CLIMBING!
I find little nubs of granite – think of pressing your hand down on a table dusted with sprinkles – that shouldn’t be big enough to hold a fly. But they’re big enough to support my weight as I lean into the cliff to lift my foot.
The tacky rubber on my shoes is enough to grab tiny outcroppings of rock, or even better, to do a “smear”.
A smear is splaying your fingers out against the rock, and pressing your upturned toes as hard as you can against it. Since climbing shoe rubber is very soft, it will grab the uneven surface of the rock.
If you’re on anything less than a 90 degree vertical, you should hold.
The problem is, the only way to test it is to put all your weight on it. Kind of a Pass/Fail thing. And I didn’t believe it would work until it did.
I make the first few moves with no problem. I’m about 6′ tall, so I can reach from hold to hold. I learn to extend my arms and support my weight by my skeleton as opposed to my muscles, which lets me last longer before getting tired.

I make it up, cleaning as I go. See, the rope is clipped into the protection, and I’m clipped into the rope. When my clip gets to the rope clip, I have to take the rope out. I also pull out the piece of protection that anchored the rope. That’s cleaning.
Don’t worry, the person on belaying (holding the rope in case you fall) is anchored in, and the rope anchors along the way aren’t necessary anymore.
So I make it up my first real pitch and as my big stupid grinning head pops over the small roof, Fred is grinning back at me just as hard.
“Fun, right?”, he asks nodding his head.
A loud belly laugh is my only answer.

That’s the what. The Why will be posted soon.

Friday Foolishness – Santa Claus Edition


Today’s Music: TransSiberian Orchestra – Wizards In Winter

I’m just going to dive right in here.
Last week’s poll brought us some fun Other answers: () comments are mine.
turn the lights off and take the rubbish with you.
(Excellent advice!)
I will sell your stuff to finance an Iowa vacation to caucus.
(Vote for Bachmann! She’s got crazy eyes!)
don’t leave know, please don’t take my heart away ::pulls on leg warmers:: NM
me now,you’ll take away the biggest part of me.Wooooooo please don’t go. ~flame
(From Nicole Marie, and theflameinside. I had no idea how much ’80s nostalgia this question would bring up! Sincerest apologies to everyone!!!)

And the winners are, with a tie,
I’m building a still in your room
and of course,
BRRAAIINNNNSS!!!!

And now what you’ve been waiting for…
This weeks poll:

And to keep you busy while the votes are tallied, 2 versions of Baby It’s Cold Outside… (not sure which is more romantic…
Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald

And Miss Piggy and Rudolph Nuryev

For them’s that celebrate a holiday, a very Merry Christmas and joyous day. A festive and miraculous Hannukah, and whatever salutations for other holiday’s I don’t know…

To them’s that don’t, we’ll have a great day too. First round’s on me.

There Goes The Neighborhood…


Today’s Music: AC/DC – Long Way to the Top

I read a whole bunch of blogs. I started reading them when I started mine. There are some on food and writing, there are blogs on travel and music, there are blogs of folks just venting their spleens, or taking the mickey out of us all.
They are written by people with a similar perspective to mine, from different perspectives, the light, the right, the straight, narrow, gay, religious, what have you.

And I love every last one of them.
I think All of them are from a unique point of view, and all of them have something to say. Not that I don’t, but frequently, “Being Pointless On The Internet” is not just a tagline around here, it’s a way of life.

So imagine my shock when I was nominated for a Versatile Blogger award by 2 bloggers whose sites I enjoy a lot.

MINE!!!!! (bwahaha)

But with nifty logos come great responsibilities, and this one carries the following:
* Nominate 15 fellow bloggers.
* Inform the bloggers of their nomination.
* Share 7 random things about yourself.
* Thank the blogger who nominated you.
* Add the Versatile Blog Award logo on your blog post.

But, hey, look at that! I’ve already finished the last one on the list. Sure it’s out of order, but for those who know me, the fact that I got any of the requirements done will come as a shock.

Next, and more importantly, I’d like to direct you to the two bloggers who nominated me (yes, I’ve got the comments to prove they did):

First off, The Budget Cooking Blog. Dan McCullough not only knows how to cook, he knows how to explain a recipe. Which is kind of wasted on me, as I’m the guy who makes inedible cheese fondue soup.
Dan makes it look easy, and taste great.
And if you live in Chicago, he’ll tell you where to go for the food bargains. He’ll do this even if you don’t live in Chicago, but you’ll have to fly there so it might not be so cost effective.

The other nominator, in whose reflected glory I bask, is Pursuit of Happiness. Reading her blog is like hanging out in a good friends kitchen. I’m only sorry that I don’t have USB Scent Cannons (sharper Image, $79.95) for my PC to add those delicious cooking smells when I’m reading it.

Pick up the pace, buddy...I've got stuff to do...

I’m also supposed to send you to 15 other sites who I think are deserving of the Versatile Blogger award. There are some I won’t add on the list because they’ve already been nominated, and I don’t want them to be bombarded with these things. They lose their shine if you do that.
So here’s my list of nominees: (by the way, being nominated for a Versatile Blogger Award means you’ve won it. So Congratulations!)

Unintimidated By Convention In addition to his excellent entries, he is the keeper of the Bozo list. He also manages to keep going in the real world and prove it can be done.

Is It Possible To See It All. It’s a running commentary on Travel, Music and Canada. Now I may have said some mean things before to Canada, but his blog makes up for most of it. Go for the music, stay for the travel.

Call Me Quirky. This site is a lot of fun. A stream of consciousness, plus the sight that introduced me to the phrase Slutty McSluttums, and also to the concept of salad dressing in a hat. You can’t buy entertainment like that folks. At least not with a credit card under your real name. Or so I’ve been told.

The Flame Inside. She wrote a post that moved me, and that moved others. And sometimes, she’s really funny too. Quite versatile.

Linda Vernon Humor. Lately she has opined on Pottery Barn catalogs and ’30s cookbook fiction. Really.

Upsidedown Pineapple. She doesn’t post as often as I’d like (I’d like daily please), but I find her hilarious. And she’s got a mouth like a drunken sailor.

Old Dog New Tits. She started off contemplating a breast job and went to dealing with a lung mass with a lot of honesty and humor. And naked mole rats. You can find hte mole rat entries on your own, because I ain’t gonna encourage that kind of behavior. Blech.

Elle Tea Emm. She writes great poetry.

YoYo-Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Division. She’s been blogging for years, and it is a wonderful collection of posts form the ordinary to the sublime covering the gamut of the human condition. (Yes, gamut.). Even if she wasn’t a fantastic blogger (which she is), she definitely deserves it just for finding this. And she knows classic movies and music!

Whitney’s Soup. Because she knows how to answer the dreaded How Are You? at work, and how to act like a grownup.

Cannabalistic Nerd. Because where else will you find this?

Magsx2. Great videos, and every friday, a stack of jokes! Just pick any post from his site – they are all wonderful, like this or this.

Goradde. He captions pictures. They.Are. Hilarious.

Ashley Jillian. She’s probably gotten this like 9 times. Or should have. Really, where else are you going to get Cat Plates!!!

Bio Scientific Editing. Why a blog that strays from the silliness? Well, because thanks to her, i know a brief history of the U.S. medical profession. And I now know how to use a
light microscope.

Top of the world, ma!

And now 7 random things about me:
– I once ran under a moving truck because I didn’t fell like waiting for it to pass.
– I can say my pencil is green in 5 languages (thanks for the Finnish translation, Kanerva!)
– I know how to correctly use both a 20 sided die and a 44 Magnum.
– I was (a long time ago in a previous life) selected as my local bars’ best drunk driver.
– My current ear piercing is the fourth time I’ve had it done. It’s also the first time it hasn’t gotten infected, the first time it was done by a pro, and the first time I got one and wasn’t drunk. (I just have one – the previous three were all allowed to close as part of the healing).
– I make Kick. Ass. Whipcream.
– I expect my last word before I depart will be Oops. And I’m really curious what the situation will be. (But I can happily wait to find out!)

So there it is. I blog. I’m Versatile. Woohoo!
For all those blogs I read but didn’t nominate, let’s just say I’m saving your sites for myself. Because you won’t respond to my comments if you get too popular. Or if you get a restraining order…

So thanks again to Dan and Sush. Despite the flippancy,I really do appreciate it.

Is he done yet? Sheesh, next time just mail the award..


Don’t worry, I won’t let this go to my head…much!