Today’s Music: Violent Femmes – Blister in the Sun
*Disclaimer – The story below is as true as I remember it. But I was pretty drunk at the time.
It looks so innocent...
This story takes place probably during my third or fourth year of college. Definitely not my fifth.
So I’m in this bar (as I often was). On a Sunday afternoon (when I often was).
Me and the bartender (whose name I just realize I have completely forgotten) are hanging out. I’m drinking up the last of the money I had, but that’s ok. I spent a lot of time in this bar, and really never wanted for a drink. When I was ahead, I spent it all, when I was behind, they covered me.
So Bartender and I are just shooting the breeze. It’s a beautiful spring day, so no one is around.Just the two of us. There might have been some card playing, but I don’t recall…
In walk Jimmy and the boys, back from a day at the pitch and putt. They’re laughing and telling stories, ragging on each others golfing as they settle in at the bar.
Jimmy pulls out a small wad of cash. “Aright fellas, what are you having?” Everyone calls out their drink orders.
Jimmy turns to me.
“Sorry Jimmy, I’m tapped”
“That wasn’t the question, Guap. What’ll you have?”
See what I mean? It was that kind of bar. So I get another beer.
This goes on for several rounds. We’re telling stories, throwing darts, and I’m close to hammered by the middle of the afternoon.
So Jimmy calls out for another round. The Terror declines a beer, says “Give me a Jameson. I can drink that smoother than anything else.”
(There? Did you see that? That was my cue.)
“Hah”, I call out. “I can drink that smoother than you”
The Terror gives me the once over, sees that I’m drunk. We’d been hanging out a long time.
“If I drink this smoother than you” he says, “What do I win?”
At this point, I should have shut up. But I’m me. So I didn’t.
I stand next to him at the corner of the bar, thinking a moment.
“If you drink that smoother than me, I will dance naked…” – open my hand and slap the bar top…”On”…slap..”this”…slap…”BAR!!!”
SET ‘EM UP!
Bartender pulls another round, sets up a filled rocks glass of Jameson for The Terror, sets up a full rocks glass of Jameson for me.
(For the record, there was nothing smart about this. Having once sucked down half a fifth of Jack Daniels once, I never developed a like for Whiskey. More of a tequila man, me…)
Everyone watches as The Terror downs his shot. Smooth.
All eyes turn to me as I down my shot. Smooth.
“I don’t know, Guap”, chimes in one of the guys.”I think Terror was smoother”
“What?!?” I shoot back, surprised. Considering I was drunk enough where balance was now an issue, I thought I downed it pretty well. One quick shot, no spillage, no dribbling. (I don’t have to like a liquor to give it respect. I’m classy that way.)
Nods and murmurs of agreement form the guys. They thought John was smoother.
But I’m a man of my word.”CLEAR THE BAR!!!” I shout as my battle cry.
Everyones eyes fly all the way open in surprise as I start getting out of my shirt.
“Guap”, says The Terror, “You don’t have to do this.”
CLEAR THE BAR!!!” as I take off my boat shoes.
“Dude” says Jimmy, “you really don’t have to do this”.
“CLEAR. THE. BAR!!!”
“He’s doing it fellas. Move your drinks!”
I looked better than this...
The bar at this place was a long U – twenty feet along the length, two five foot sections at the ends. I was at the corner of the bottom (furthest from the door) of the bar.
They cleared the bar.
I hopped up in the altogether and started to dance my naked self down towards the front.
Now above the bar was a lowered section of roof. I’m about six feet tall, and I had about 4 feet of room, so I was hunched over. Remember that. It will be important in a minute.
So I’m dancing down the bar, hunched over, knees wide for balance and because there is really no way to keep them in.
The guys are laughing themselves silly, and I’m trying to see and not fall over.
I make it to the end of the bar, down the return and turn around.
So now you have a pretty good idea of the scene. Me, naked, dancing on top of the bar, knees wide for balance, turning back around.
What you don’t know, because I haven’t mentioned it yet, is the girl. Sitting in the corner of the bar. Right where I’m starting to turning around.
She is sitting there, head turned away, hand over her face.
She picks that moment to look up to see if it’s safe.
As I’m halfway through my turn.Knees spread. Right. In front. Of her.
Fortunately, I’m already bent over, so I don’t have to yell as i slur “I’m sorry, I lost a bet”.
She “Eeps” and hides her face again.
...but probably not as good as this.
I stumble back down the bar, and get off, to the cheers and applause of the guys. Who hid my clothes.
they left behind my boat shoes and belt. So I put those on, hung a couple of strategic napkins from the belt and ordered another beer.
Jimmy couldn’t stop laughing, but managed to sputter out that we all hadn’t eaten in a while, and we should all take a walk up to Dunkin Donuts to get some food.
I was halfway out the door before they pulled me back.
It was a good day. But not the last time I was naked in a bar…