Trifecta – But What Kind Of Doctor?!?

Today’s Music: Ray Charles – I Don’t Need No Doctor

Another week, another Trifecta. For this challenge, they want the thirty three to three hundred thirty three words using the third definition of the word “Doctor” (noun) –
a : material added (as to food) to produce a desired effect
b : a blade (as of metal) for spreading a coating or scraping a surface

*Disclaimer – despite my recent finger wound, I was not on painkillers when I wrote this.
But you may want to be when you read it.

The EMTs stood over the frothing man.
He sat in front of a laptop, 72 MS Word documents open.
His eyes were wide.
He was gibbering.
He wasn’t wearing pants.
Yogurt from a tipped cup slowly oozed across the table next to him.
The EMTs looked at each other.
“Have you ever seen anything like this, Hank?” asked the first.
The frothing man shot up, sitting rigidly straight.
“IT’S THE WORST THING EVER, HANK!!!!” he shrieked before slumping back down.
Hank frowned, and picked up the half empty yogurt cup. He took a deep smell. His brow furrowed.
He gingerly dipped the smallest part of his pinky fingernail into the swirly goop, just deeply enough to catch a small bit on the tip. He lifted it up to his lips to taste the digit, his eyes widening as the flavor swirled over his tongue.
“Someone has added something as a doctor of the yogurt, Fred” he declared. “It’s…hyperbole!”
Fred gasped (only partly at the akwardness of the sentence construction).
“But that also means it’s about a week and a half old!” said Fred, remembering the Trifecta challenges schedule.
“Yes” said Frank, authoritatively. “We can’t help him. This man a needs a doctor!”
The man sat straight up again, pulling something shiny from below. He frantically worked it into the spilled yogurt, spreading it over the surface of the table…the laptop…his bellybutton.
Etched in the stainless steel, the words “The Doctor” gleamed in the light.
Hank shook his head. “Or a psychiatrist…”
Fred stepped back. “I do not want to know where he pulled that from.
But I bet it was bigger on the inside…”

(This week’s contest is community judged, so go check out their site, read some of the other great entries and vote for them.)
(Seriously.)
(It would be a travesty if I won.)
(hehehe)