Hot And Spurious


Today’s Music: Rupert Holmes – Escape
Note on Today’s Music: Because I know he hates this song. hehehe.

(if you’re wondering what’s going on, check here.)
Many of you follow the refreshingly bizarre Edward Hotspur. So you already know he has a thing for Unicorns pissing rainbows. Here’s why. Sorry Hotspur, had to borrow your style for this one.

He was sitting around a campfire, enjoying his gassy beans- no wait, he was enjoying beans and then the gas that followed. He’d taken off his riding boots to relax, setting them to warm next to the fire. A unicorn burst into his campsite setting off mayhem among his compatriots.
They ran around in confusion, dodging the uriney torrent of warm rainbow issuing from the unicorn’s nethers. Only Edward kept his head about him. He reached for a boot, still with its spur on.
Billy Joe Bob Mellissa Jr yelled “You can’t drive off a unicorn with spurs!”
“You can when they’re red hot!” shouted back Edward. He took the boot from the fire, and jammed the red hot spur into an engorged opalescent unicorn testicle.
The unicorn turned bright red, squeaked, and darted off into the woods to find some bactine.
And that’s why he’s known as Edward Hotspur.
True story.

Now let’s take a musical break, from someone I was recently introduced to by Mr. Hotspur.
This is Miyavi. He is the hottest chick I’ve seen in a while. (Yes, it’s a guy.)

Scenes From The End Of The Post
I’m writing this at my desk as the sun streams through the windows. You’d think it would be wetter if it was streaming. Unless you’re streaming porn. That could be wet. Unless it’s home improvement porn. Lots of sandpaper. Probably not so wet.
Hold on, boss wants me to do something. Ok, I did something. I told him I wasn’t going to do it. That’s something, right? Might be the last something I do here, but still.
So where was I? Oh, at my desk. So it’s where I am. Can you have been somewhere and say you were there if you’re still there without having been gone anywhere?
Wait – My brain hurts.. I have to stop channelling Edward Hotspur, today’s flashmob victim honoree before my head explodes.

You should check him out. It’s like no other blog you’ve seen.
Rock on Hotspur, and keep on blogging!

Oh, and buy His Book

In closing, I would just like to say…
Salma Hayek.

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80 responses to “Hot And Spurious

  1. I had always wondered about the unicorn thing.

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  2. Holy Unicorn Balls, GuapMan! I think you ARE Edward Hotspur!

    Well done- especially the ‘I know he hates this song’ part. (welcome to the dark side…)

    Like

  3. Well done. There’s so much to like in this post. I positioned the page so the unicorn pic remained visible as I watched the video. That really added a lot to the experience. The story left me with a new appreciation for camping, which we’re strangely skipping this year since we got a house near the beach for for a whole week for free. Unicorns visit beaches, too, right?

    Thanks for the Selma Hayek coda at the end or I’d seriously be questioning my sexual identity right now. Whew. Close one.

    Like

    • Relax. Miyavi is married to a Japanese pop star (Melody), and they have two kids. And you have to admit, that song sounded like if Willie Dixon had been Japanese.

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    • You should definitely check out the Hotspurs site, shoutabyss.
      And unicorns love beaches! Just keep that campfire hot. Just in case.

      Salma is there at the end, as a palate cleanser. I just have to ask though – was it the Rupert Holmes or the Miyavi that made you question? 😉

      Like

  4. I literally laughed out loud. Not the figurative LOL that you find or type when something is mildly amusing, but literally, like, making noise to indicate that something was a combination of amusing and humorous enough to tip the noise factor to the ‘on’ position, thus producing a sound that humans have come to associate with pleasure and/or entertainment and/or Steve Byrne, who is a comedian who actually evokes this sound in other people for a living, that is to say, people pay him to make them laugh – while I attempt to do it for free.

    That was a pretty good summation of my blog, Guap. It had Salma Hayek, a hot chick (Salma Hayek), Japanese music, my gravatar….

    Oh yeah, I’ll be updating that pretty soon. The enormous lilies in the center of the front bed, while reaching their customary 5 foot tall height – seriously – have decided to produce not three flower clusters, but NINE. I don’t know what’s going on with them, but I’ve literally never seen larger Asiatic lilies than those. I don’t think I’ve seen any flower that tall in my entire life, other than climbing vines and, you know, trees.

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    • Actual laughter from you is the best I could have hoped for on this one, Hotspur.
      You said you did a ton of landscaping. Wonder if there was something in the fertilizer that steroided the plants

      I stayed away from the poetry/lyrics. Not sure I could spoof those – especially not the more serious ones.

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      • It must have already been there, because I’ve had several plants die. Oddly, I’ve had perennials die after 4 years of being alive – like my hibiscuses, and a Japanese maple! – but I’ve also had not one, but TWO purple queens come back, and those are supposed to be annuals!

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  5. Miyavi – pretty guy, clever guitar playing.

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  6. Now that’s a story……it grabbed my attention also because of a “new love” situation involving one of my friends. His Facebook updates for the past few months, revolving around his new relationship, have had a trending theme of rainbows and unicorns……must ask him if he knows Edward Hotspur!

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  7. Jennifer Worrell

    DUUUUUUDE! I laughed so hard that I didn’t piss rainbows. You are such a wonderfully twisted human being.

    Like

  8. This post was just what I needed to start my day. Not really, I didn’t know what else to say. ha!

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  9. I know exactly what you mean when you say “Selma Hayek.”

    Pissing rainbows is pretty nifty, but what I’m working up toward is pissing double rainbows!

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    • Careful, Smak. If you’re pissing double rainbows, you’re going to upset the leprechaun union with all the folks they’ll need to shell out!

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  10. Home improvement porn? Hmm, makes you wonder what’s REALLY going on in This Old House.

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  11. Salma Hayek. continue…

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  12. Impressive… I thought you were Hotspur n the end there… it was almost a better Hotspur than Hotspur.. wow I have missed a lot.. I didnt know you could DO that! 😉

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  13. Finally! the Hotspur Unicorn Conspiracy REVEALED!
    Great tune EG.

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    • The video I meant heh. Escape makes me want to wear polyester and go to the disco. Can’t imagine why Edward would dislike this tidy little tune.
      Oh, and I too thought your Hotspur rant was SO…. Hotspur. Good work.

      Like

  14. Oooh. I like the back story! It all makes sense now! I guess I’ll have to check out his blog more often!

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  16. I’m still not convinced he’s a guy. Hotspur, I mean. Miyavi plays one mean guitar.

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  17. What a beautiful tribute! I stared at that unicorn’s muscular butt for a while. Is that wrong?

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  18. In opening and closing I’d like to say Vin Diesel.

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  19. Hi,
    Loved the unicorn and special rainbows, also a very special butt as well. 😀
    I actually enjoyed the video, he can certainly play the guitar.

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  20. I love listening to people sing in languages I don’t understand (especially slow ballads). That dood is amazing with his guitar!

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  21. And by the way, “Escape” is one of those songs that I was never crazy about, yet, I happen to know every word to . . . hmmm. Comes in handy for karaoke.

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  22. Love that guitar work in the vid! and S Hayek has really big boobs!!

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  23. It was as if I were reading Mr. Hotspur’s blog except I wasn’t reading Mr. Hotspur’s blog I was reading the Gaupster’s blog which leads me to conclude that you are either Siamese twins separated at birth or married to each other or Siamese twins separated at birth who married each other or you have spent quite a bit of time in Mr. Hotspur’s world and he is starting to bleed into you or you are very good at imitating a very original blogger. It’s one of those

    Like

  24. whiteladyinthehood

    Wow, Guapo – that is a one studly unicorn! I haven’t seen Hotspur in a while…I’ll have to go and pay him a visit.

    Like

  25. I like this posting El Guapo
    especially the ending bit with
    Salma Hayek as she sort of
    adds a wicked flavour 🙂 🙂

    So, who is this Hotspur character? 🙂

    Androgoth

    Like

  26. Okay Salma, Hands in the air!
    Great post, I like the new character, Hotspur. Isn’t he the guy always looking for Brainnnnnnsssss???

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  27. El Guapotspur. You nailed Edward Hotspur’s refreshingly bizarre style as if you were the great Edward himself! I don’t currently have access to enough h’s and a’s to do this piece justice. Suffice it to say it was funny as all get out!!

    Like

  28. I just lost my comment I was bumped off the net. Sigh…Oh well I’ll come back in a bit. I hate that when that happens I’m on a Wifi time limit I guess.

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  29. Yes it good to keep that in perspective. I humbly try again. First off I’ve never seen a unicorn pee rainbows so that is a first. :+) I enjoyed what you had to say about it as well. When I was reading the post early Navar was sitting across from my and I said out loud ” well that’s a nice photo of Selma Hayek with her shirt off.” I was wondering how many seconds it would take for him to get out of his seat and take a look. It took 2 seconds. :+)

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  30. I think the unicorn should be named Miyavi…..both are quite hot and apparently have testicles…damaged or not.

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  31. Pingback: Edward Hotspur and the Birthday Wishes | Guapola

  32. You can say that again (the Salma Hayek thing). I don’t know Mr. Hotspur well, but you have some mighty entertaining posts. Plus Art is hereabouts. It can’t be that bad a place, right?

    Like

Ahem *best Ricky Ricardo voice* Babble-OOOoooo!!!

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