Friday Foolishness – Svelte Edition

Today’s Music: Ricky Nelson – Garden Party
Note On Today’s Music: The song is apropos of nothing, just a nice mellow number But if you don’t know it already, look up the story behind the song.

Welcome, welcome all! Brand new month! Brand new year! Same old foolishness! What wasn’t the same old though was some of the stuff I read this week!
Red put up her latest site! Carrie is very excited about something, and TC History Gal gave me a Wonderful Team Member Readership award, and I couldn’t be more honored!

Thanks to them, and all of you for letting me finish and start the year in such great company!

Last week, in between the eating and the drinking and the rushing and that horrible, tragic tofu and butter incident, the calendar rolled over. As happens every year, tons of resolutions were made (admit it, you made some). So we asked the most relevant question – What resolution will you break first?
Here’s what you said. (As always, my answers will only last a few days in italics.)

To vote in these damn polls on Friday & not Thursday at 11:59pm! SheSnaaped
(Oh, if only you’d gotten this posted in time!)
To enjoy a very nice Picnic, oh that is a choco bar 🙂 Androgoth
(That choco bar is for eating, Andro. Andro?!?)
The early to bed clause, unless there is a good reason 😉 Androgoth
(Laziness is an excellent reason! Or…so I’ve heard…)
My resolution to not make New Year’s Resolutions…Ugh. KJ
(Catch 22!!!)
My resolution to not break resolutions. WG
(Break that one first just to get it out of the way!)
I am going to get up from my coma after working all of 2012 ~ Red
(Hey, I worked through 2012 in a coma too!)
I thought we made New Years Revolutions – I’m taking over Maine.
(Careful – I hear Stephen King has…things…to keep it safe…)
Hey Jude, john, paul, george, ringo – let’s go sing at the revolution! Buddhakat
(You’re up ninth.)
What?!? Revolution?!? Where?!? buddhakat
(Earth. Once a day.)
Drinking alcohol… guaranteed I can’t keep that one. I like my sauce. ~ Bpmuse
(I was enjoying some as I wrote this response.)
That I will stop convincing noobs to order milkshakes at the Bistro. Brain Tomahawk
(But how else will they ever learn?)
Getting Freshly Pressed-Lily In Canada
(I thought you’d go for…steamed! HAHAHAHAHA!!!)
That I’m not making resolutions (GiggsMcGill Jill)
(Well, if you’re not gonna play along…)
It’s time for those again? I didn’t make last year’s yet. Lizzie
(Just write up the stuff you did and backdate them!)
my daily goal of being showered and dressed by noon – sandylikeabeach
(Woah! Baby steps there, Sandy. Baby steps.)
Not to break resolutions, then something about eating. Carrie Cannibalistic Nerd
(What if you broke bread with a resolution? Two for one!))
to stop dressing up squirrels….well, somebody has to do it!……..zannyro
(I bet the squirrels have some resolutions they would like to share with you!)
not to make resolutions anymore… NBI
(You sound very…resolute.)
New Year? Did we survive another apocalypse? (Twindaddy)Stuphblog
(Let’s see…work…taxes…traffic…No. No, I don’t think we survived at all.)
To never mentally flip someone off! x, Becca
(Doing it physically is so much more rewarding…)
Pro wrestling with Mexican midgets. I really want to beat Mascarita Sagrada.
(You’ll use any excuse to wear a spandex onesie!)
I’ll probably forget while I’m finishing off the champagne! (words&otherthings)
(As long as you’ve resolved to finish the champagne, I think this year is a win.)
Swearing like a mother f#*%$* truck driver…oops. That didn’t last long. Dammit
(WE HAVE A %$#+*#$&*^%# WINNER!!!)
The one where I tell myself to make a resolution. SnaapAlongG
(How would you hear you over the voices in your head?)
Not to be envious of other people’s mad blogging skills
(For a value of “mad” that equals “insane”.)
To run naked in a bar (Frank)
(Eh, it’s been done.)
To survive to 2014. Elyse 54.5
(Um…you realize these were resolutions to break, right?…)

Congratulations to Anonymous for this weeks winning answer! And from the offered choices, the most popular was , Resolutions? We don’t need no stinking resolutions so congrats to everyone that wants to struggle through the year with no fixed purpose forced on them by tradition!

This week, it’s all about dealing with the consequences of our actions. Yep, we’re going to have to face up to all teh bad decisions we’ve made over the last several weeks. On the bright side, if we start now, we’ll be in fine shape for beach season! (Yes, I want to fit properly into my banana-hammock this sumer!)
So below is this weeks question. Answer now or think about it over a snack. But answer by 2359 EST, 10 Jan, because that’s when this one ends.

And until next week, here’s some Mitch Hedberg that I hope you enjoy! (One warning – dude’s a potty mouth. Big time.)
First, there’s a sandwich recipe here that I hope at least one of you try!

And there’s a little overlap here, but it’s worth it, just for “spaghetti”. You’ll see it when it comes around.

I am a Sensual Sisterhood!

Today’s Music: Aerosmith – Dude Looks Like A Lady

El Guapo enters from the stage left. He’s shaved for the occasion, cheeks clear and goatee trimmed evenly. His hair is combed(!), and his long hair is pulled into a tight neat ponytail.
As he strides to the podium in sensible two-inch heeled…Jimmy Choos…his adams apple…bobbing above…the..neckline of…the…Halston…dress…???

DUDE! What the hell is going on here?!?

I’ve been lucky to receive some awards. Every single one of them is an honor, every one is appreciated. Because of the way I’ve set up my blog, I very rarely dedicate a post to them.
But every so often, one comes along that is so magnificent, so brilliant, so…unexpected, that I have no choice.

So when the fine proprieter of whatImeant2say (probably with the concurrence of Wonderbutt) bestowed awards on me that I never ever thought I would get (and on my blogiversary, no less!), I had no choice but to dress to the nines before I accepted.

So now that I’m a full fledged member of the Sisterhood, here are some of the things I’ve learned:
-The living room floor is not an acceptable place for one’s socks.
-The toilet seat has a down position for a reason.
-Piles of dishes in the sink are not art nor are they architecture
-Yes, the eyes are in fact up here.

What else do I know now that I’m a member of the sisterhood? That when it comes to how much someone rocks, gender has nothing to do with it.

And for anyone that ever wants to put down a member of the Sisterhood, just remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, backwards.
In heels.

Award night primping.
(yes, that’s my foot.)

Shall we dance?

Tag and Release

Today’s Music: The English Beat – Save It For Later
Days Til Spring: 24

We know who you are, where you are, and what you had for dinner.

Ok, El Guapo sucks at these. He has been blessed with nominations for a bunch of awards from bloggers he respects. So far, The Guapster thinks he has acknowledged two. But Guapamole got hammered all of a sudden with tags. Seriously, it’s like a drunken WWE brawl in the ‘sphere right now. Plus, two of the taggers asked Guapowitz very nicely to do this. Translation: They said they’d do things to GuapWithoutWits you wouldn’t do to the neighbor’s cat.

So Count Guapula is responding to a hideous stack of questions. And Guapatine has enjoyed answering them. Some of them really made him think. And some of them really made him think the questioner was insane. But in a good way. So, if there’s anything else you want to know about the GuapTart, send an email, or put a question in About or Adminisilliness. SmashingGuapkins will answer. But he probably won’t do many more of these. Unless the threat is particularly entertaining…
So here are the answers. And you should check out the blogs of them that asked. They are all a lot of fun, and GuapoBell is honored that they all chose to burden me tag him!
If Count Guapula has missed someone that gave him this award, he is sincerely sorry, and he will do his best to make up for it if you let him know.
(Questions are in bold, which is the only place in this post you will find 1st person singular nouns.)
Adair You
1. Die a bit younger with all your facilities or, die at a ripe old age, having no idea what is going on.
Dying with his facilities intact might be nice for a change. Lord knows El Guapo has lived long enough without them…
2. Have you ever eaten gefilte fish?
Eaten and loved. With horseradish. But not the jelly stuff. Guaparoni doesn’t know what the hell that is. (Gefilte fish itself is a compressed loaf, generally made of whitefish bits)
3. Your perfect companion. (Yes, LiC and Guap, you may just post photos of your beloved).
In the interest of anonymity, TheGuap’s girl won’t let him post a pic.
4. Do you still write real letters?
Guapola photographs and arrange pieces of Alpha Bits for all his correspondence. If it’s important, he tapes the cereal to the page.
Honestly, Guapowitz thinks birthday/holiday cards are the only non-bills he mails anymore….And the occasional t-shirt (you know who you are).
5. Movie or play or book?
Book. Though El Guapo really enjoys all three media.
6. What have you done you’d prefer your parents not discover?
You know, after GuapTart turned thirty, he pretty much admitted everything. Turns out it was all pretty funny. After the fact…
7. Do you/Did you like your inlaws? (me Nope.)
Mostly. El Guapo loves his girl’s Mom – she is an incredible cook.
8. Regular coffee or the fancy schmancy stuff?
Regular. El Guapo has yet to stand in a Starbucks and ask for a Grande. It’s a medium cup of coffee, dammit.
9. One thing on your bucket list.
Not dying.
10. Biggest surprise you’ve had.
That his girl picked him.
11. Pick an ethnicity other than you own. Why?
Iroquois. El Guapo doesn’t know near enough about the First Peoples, but from what he does know, they have the best philosophies around…

LizzieCrackecd (not broken)
1. What’s the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
African or European?
2. How do you feel hearing everyone has a water buffalo… And you realize you don’t (if you DO have a water buffalo, skip this question and answer the bonus I have a water buffalo question)
Guapanese doesn’t need to accessorize himself like everyone else. Just because the cool kids have a water buffalo doesn’t mean GuapAndRoll needs a water buffalo. He knows Timmy in the fourth grade said he had to have a water buffalo if he wanted to be cool, but Timmy’s an idiot. Even if he does have a signed Tito Puente lunchbox. (Wap-Bop-Guapoloobop wants a water buffalo!)
3. Who is your favorite cartoon character?
Pinky. NARF!!!
4. Who is you favorite super hero?
The Most Wonderful Girl In The Universe. And you, lizziec – the most awesome Naked Scissor runner ever.
5. IF I had the power to confuse you as my super power, what would you think about frogs?
El Guapo thinks fro- Wait a minute – TheGuap sees what you did there. He thinks…
6. Which is more fun… pulling teeth or tea in China? NO wait..I think I got mixed up…
Guapola likes pulling tea off of teeth in China.
6. What does that have to do with the price of tea in china ?
El Guapo doesn’t know. Does anyone ever expect the Spanish Inquisition?
7. How old are you mentally ?
No idea – it’s hard to do math with the alphabet blocks. Though El Guapo thinks he just answered your question.
8. If you could go back to any age what age would you choose?
The age of enlightenment.
Or the age of Beets. Whatever…
9. If life gave you lemons and tequila was unavailable what would you do with them?
The Guap would wait for the first person who said “Make lemonade!”.
Then he would squirt lemon juice in their eye.
10 How much wood can a woodchuck chuck.
Sadly, they only chuck when GuapperWithCheese is trying to sleep, so he has not been able to count.
11. How do you get rid of those pesky woodchucks anyhow?
Guapunzel hopes you don’t think he’s overreacting, but he likes nuclear weapons for that job.
What?

Bonus I already have a water buffalo question:
are you happy with your water buffalo or would you prefer a Cebu?
HEY YEAH! Guaparoo will get a cebu! That’ll show Timmy!!!

More Zen Now
1. What would you do if I sang out of tune?
Join in, probably making inapppropriate animal noises. Or change the lyrics.
2. Coffee or Tea?
Beer.
3. Soccer or Rugby?
Curling!!!
4. Liberal, Conservative or Nunya Beeswax?
Right now, Disgusted.
5. Love or hate Stanley Kubrick?
Generally love, but really can depend on the flick.
6. What is your favorite era, where and why?
Favorite ERA would be the 28th amendment (if it passes before any other amendments).
7. If stranded on a desert island who would you most like to be with?
El Guapo’s wife. And someone with a boat.
8. If you have children do you sometimes hate them a little? (Yes , I loves my chilluns but…)?
No kids, but El Guapo is frequently not a fan of those of his friends.
9. What is your favorite novel and why?
Tough one. Maybe The Old Man and the Sea by Hemmingway. It’s a very moving story, told very directly. Not a wasted word in it.
10. Sonny or Cher?
Chaz. Wow, that’ll stop you for a sec, won’t it!
11. What is your preferred method of de-stressing?
Whatever happens to be the first thing The Guap does after all these questions!

RantOnIt
1. If you were stuck in a burning building with no possible means of escape but had a bag of marshmallows….. Would you toast them over the fire or just eat ‘em straight?
Guapowitz would melt them just enough to make some clever Macgyver type marshmallow based contraption to escape, then get a job as the Marshmallow Lobby spokesman.
Oh, and toasted.
2. The funniest knock knock knock you can think of
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupti-
MOO!!!
3. Weirdest thing you’ve eaten.
Weird is relative. El Guapo has yet to be given a food option that he has flat out declined, untried.
Did once eat a fish eye. Gelatinous on the outside, hard and plasticky core.
4. Tell me what you’d do if a bird excreted on your head.
Happened to GuaperBell in France. He cursed the French. In English.
5. Stupidest thing you did while you were sober
Dude, there ain’t enough space on the internet for El Guapo to list every stupid thing he’s done that is tied for number one.
6.Can you run 2 miles if I kick you out of bed at 4am…. to chase me down ….. Theoretically. In reality I won’t make it the first mile.
No. But Guapola can wait for your tired ass to get back.
hehehe.
7. How many quarter pounders do you think you can eat in a sitting?
If memory serves, about a dozen. Now? Maybe 9.
8. Bacon or Beer. You must decide!
El Guapo decides yes.
9. Can you tell me, an exact use for a rubber duck?
Yes, The Guap can.
10. in your dreams….. Are you on top?
Upside down, frequently.
11. Rosie Huntington-Whitley or Megan fox? You Must Decide!
The entire internet and those are the choices?!?

NicoleColredGlasses
1. What is the most exciting thing you have ever done in your life?
GuapingtonBear will go with letting go of an airplane in flight. But honestly that probably isn’t the most exciting thing…Actually, he can’t pick one right now…
2. How would you wear gasses if you didn’t have a nose?
If El Guapo somehow lost his nose, would blurry vision even be something he was worrying about at that point? Or Guap would just get a Navin R Johnson Opti-grab.
3. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
The bitter voice of experience says no. It just means leaving a little extra in the checking account to pay for the consequences.
4. How do you know if you have fallen in love if you don’t have any bruises?
well, if you have to ask…
5. You want to have sex with a tampon?
El Guapo doesn’t know. Is it cute and disease free?
6. If you had to come up with a Major sports team name what would it be?
MoneyGrabbers
7. Are redheads good in bed?
Redheads in general, or is there a specific one to be investigated?
8. What is your favorite book and why?
K, El Guapo answered Old Man and the Sea above, so now he’ll go with John McPhee Looking For A Ship. It’s an account of life on a Merchant Marine ship, published in 1990. It’s a favorite, that he has enjoyed re-reading…
9. Do fish get thirsty?
Only if they haven’t been drinking enough.
10. How come when socks come out of the dryer, there’s only one of each?
Because the other had to report back to the mothership to provide intelligence to our alien overlords.
11. Do you believe is fairies?
As Shakespeare said, There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy…
El Guapo thinks that covers it.

RC
1- What do you think happens when you die?
The maestro will be decomposing.
2- Creation vs Evolution?
Evolution. And don’t go waving that “banana shape” argument at Guapalooney either.
3- Will there ever be an end to suffering?
Shortly after the first question happens.
4- Do you believe in global warming?
Yes. And don’t go waving that “banana shape” argument at Guapalooney either.
5- What would be your dream job?
Guapski would like to test adventure gear in the field for a living. And beer. He would like to test beer too.
6- What’s your ideal vacation spot?
The Guapster has a serious weakness for the tropical islands around the Carribean. he would like to rent a barebones sailboat and cruise around El Mar Caribe for a month, visiting the best ports and bars, as well as uninhabited islets.
Ah, what a way to spend some time…
No, he has never done that before. Yet…
7- Are you content with the choices you made in your life?
El Guapo was aware of the consequences of some of the stupider things he did in his youth. That being said, the bastard is singularly unrepentant. He also thinks that if it hadn’t gone that way, he never would have found and married the most wonderful girl in the universe. That’s how it went. He ain’t gonna worry about it now… He just wishes he hadn’t drank all that cough syrup this morning…
8- If you knew you’re going to die tomorrow, what would you do?
Leave the water running.
9- Are you adventurous?
Ha, really? Guapowitz is quite possibly the most fearless (read: stupidest) attempter of shennanigans ever to stomp the earth.
10- Have you ever tried yoga or meditation?
Guapalocious believes the unexamined life is not worth living. He also thinks that ignorance is bliss. he ponders the paradox of these two perspectives every once in a while.
Also, he tried yoga twice. And is relieved he doesn’t get embarrassed like normal people.
11- Whats the best meal you’ve ever had?
In his youth, Guaptastic once sailed in the Around Long Island Regatta. At the end of the race (about 3 am), hte crew was invited to grab a meal at the hosting yacht club’s dining room.

The Guapster will not tag anyone, but if he were to (or if anyone just wants to answer), these are the questions he would ask:
1- What did you do that you never thought you would?
2- Mustard or Ketchup?
3- If it were that much fun, would everyone really be doing it?
4- What is your online name based on?
5- If you are above legal drinking age, do you still have a stuffed animal? If you are below legal drinking age, do your parents?
6- Finish the sentence: The quick brown fox jumped over __________
7- Would you rather go into battle with an attack penguin or a carrier mole?
8- Greatest golf movie ever made?
9- What bad movie have you seen that could have been great? And how would you have fixed it?
10- Why does everyone else seem to want to strand you on a desert island?
11- What one thing never fails to make you smile?

For those of you that are wondering what the hell is going on with the 3rd person pronouns, El Guapo blames The Hobbler. It is totally her fault. and he believes First person pronouns in the questions themselves are acceptable.
Also, El Guapo sincerely thanks Ginger Snaap, Old Dog, New Tits and LizzieCrackecd (not broken) for spending a day on twitter and giving all these @Guapowitz variations he could use.
If someone would like to thank them by taking all this free time off their hands, El Guapo would sincerely appreciate it.

I’m an Ass…but Glittery!

Today’s Music: Queen – Fat Bottomed Girls
Days Til Spring: 41

Okay, I’ve gotten a few awards. I’m terrible at acknowledging them, for several reasons.
– They are an awful lot of work to justify
– There’s an awful lot of linking to blogs of others you like.
– I have to say things about myself that even I don’t find interesting
– Someone gets left out
– Typing up the 15 to 72 links gets really tiring

But then, this was bestowed upon me, by the ever so sparkly-assed Kayjai.
And I couldn’t refuse.
Because beneath that polite Canadian exterior, I’m pretty sure there’s a madwoman who would throttle me without a second thought.

And, like all awards, this one has rules:
1 – I have to name 5 things that I do that would make people want to kill me (or just hate me) (a lot).
– Even though I don’t do it here, in the real world I curse like a ^&%)(&*@*()#&(#%R&%*$*%(@&$). All the *(&^)#$@ time.
– I smoke like a chimney. And am unrepentant.
– However, if you do something…questionable in public, I will point and yell “REPENT, SINNER” as loud as I can.
– I am a music snob.
– I wear Hawaiian shirts whenever I can. Proudly.

Would a Hawaiian shirt go with this?

2 – List 5 things that I would stick up my ass if forced to. (Because that is the only way it’s going up there).
– My keys. Because whenever I’m out with friends and I ask where they’ve gone, someone invariably responds “did you check up your ass?”
– This. Because many times people have asked “Alright Guap. How are you going to pull this out of your ass?” Stick around, Spanky.
– A wireless speaker connected to a microphone. So I can, in fact, talk out of my ass.
– The complete encyclopedia Britannica. To whip out when someone falsely accuses me of talking out of my ass during an argument
– Handi Wipes. Just sayin…
B – Run across a freeway blindfolded
Already done this blind drunk. In Annapolis, MD. Close enough…
3 – Pick a Prom Court.
I have no idea what the hell this means. But that never stopped me before:
–LizzieCracked – A little because she’s given me 20? 30? awards that I’ve never acknowledged, but mostly because she has a unique perspective, is one of my hands down coolest online friends, and I’d love to see what she does with this.
– A Frank Angle – Because he is probably one of the nicest people I’ve met online, and can’t think of how would possibly respond to this. (Sorry, did I mention innapropriate?)
– Alex Autin – Because in addition to great pictures and adventures, She can hold her own with the raunchiest of ’em.
– Red – Because she will turn it into something deep and meaningful and hilarious and make me hurt myself laughing while she does it.
– John Phillips – because he comes up with great bands I’ve never heard of (they’re Canadian), and I think he’d get a kick out this too.
– And finally (because like I said, all the link embedding gets tiring), Lily – I’m pretty sure she will put together a much more entertaining rant than I managed to.

So, thank you very much, this Glitter’s for you!

If I wear these, everyone can see the glitter!