Guapo Playhouse Presents: Can You Hear Me Now?


Today’s Music: The Kids – Groenplaats
belgium-waffles2
This piece is sponsored by The Belgian Society for Bored Students and the Belgium Department of Tourism.
Author note – I have absolutely no idea what people are named in Belgium.

Dramatis Personae
Ervina – A university age girl, spunky, with a variety of piercings
Ardralla – A university age girl, neat, straitlaced. She seeks adventure
Coralla – A university age girl, relaxed. Actually, she seems kind of bored.
Herbert – A professional ear-piercer, who looks like he learned by practicing on himself.

(The late winter Belgium sun shines through a glass plate, emblazoned with “Herbert’s Belgian Ear Piercing And Waffle Emporium”. Three girls sit at a table, talking across their plates laden with waffles and chocolate.
A waiter brings them another round of Belgian beer.)

Ardralla: Of course I’m going to do it. One little prick. How bad can it be? (She faces Ervina) you have plenty of them. Do they hurt?
Ervina: All of my piercings are significant. (She runs her hand across her face, fingering piercings as she speaks.) These were for the first men I loved. (She touches another) And this was for the first woman I loved.
(She touches a Belgian Flag stud pierced through her lower lip. She turns full-on to the audience, with a glowing smile.)
And this is the flag of our beloved Belgium – a great place to live, a great place to visit!
(Her teeth sparkle)
Coralla: (Yawning) Yawn.
Ardralla: (sighing) You’re so dramatic. You should post that little story.
Ervina: (grinning) Well, no blog intended, but my piercings tell the story of me and my life. (She flicks a gold waffle earring hanging from her ear and grins again.) And of course, our beloved Belgium, where we make over 800 different beers!
(Her teeth sparkle.)
Ardralla: (Looking out to the audience) Why do you keep doing that? Besides, I thought we were talking about me. Do you think Olaf Olafsoen will like me with an earring?
Ervina: (Smirking) Oh, Olaf loves the girls with earrings!
Coralla: (Yawning) Yawn.
Ardralla: (Rising angrily) Ervina, how could you? You know I like him!
(Ardralla reaches for the Belgian pastry, a gozette (delicious!) and prepares to throw it at Ervina.
Her arm is grabbed by HERBERT, the tattooed and pierced professional whose shop this is.)

Herbert:(His voice comes out as a lisp, a side effect of the 72 tongue piercings he has, and nerve damage to his face from the Belgian flag tattooed on his cheek.) It would be a shame to waste that turnover, my dear. (He turns to the audience) The gozette is one of our local delicacies, renowned for its deliciousness! (turning back to Ardralla) I understand you’re here for a piercing?
Coralla: (Yawning) Yawn.
Exit stage right

Interior, Piercing/Tattoo parlor.
(Herbert finishes another Belgian made beer and exhales, satisfied. The mug joins many others on a crowded table. Ardralla watches him from the chair.)
Herbert: Ok, let’s get this done.
(He reaches for his tools and turns to Ardralla, just as Ervina rushes in.)
Ervina: Wait- I love Olaf!
(Ardralla shrieks as Herbert stumbles. The lights fade. Ardralla shrieks again.)

Exterior
(The girls are sitting on a bench in front of the famous Little Boy Peeing fountain. Ervina’s mascara has run from crying. Ardralla has a large bump on her shoulder under her shirt. Corvalla looks bored.)
Ervina: I’m so so sorry…
Ardralla: I have to wait three weeks to take this off so it doesn’t get infected! I can’t believe you thought drunken Herbert was a great piercing artist!
Ervina: Well it doesn’t look that bad. Can I see?
Ardralla: (Ripping her shirt open) HE PIERCED MY SHOULDER! (She turns to the audience, gesturing at the stud.) But it is a tasteful representation of Tintin, one of Belgiums most famous characters!
(Her teeth sparkle.)
Coralla: (Yawning) Yawn.

The curtain falls.

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73 responses to “Guapo Playhouse Presents: Can You Hear Me Now?

  1. Man, that picture of waffles really makes me hungry. Where are you right now? This is such a fine mini-play, Guap, one that has my earlobes throbbing and my stomach wishing it liked beer.

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  2. Can I play the part of the peeing boy statue?

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  3. Although my mind continually stayed on the opening pic of delightful waffles, I like Belgian beer, but not being a tattoo kind of guy, I winced at the lisp caused by the 72 tongue piercings. Nonetheless, this seems quite fitting for an Off-Broadway production!

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  4. hahaha! Tintin!! He pierced her shoulder!! Look at you, all talented and funny, writing clever dialogue and making up great characters!
    Guapo, Astrid will LOVE this!!! The idea that she was your inspiration or muse for such a clever piece of fiction will thrill her 18 year old self. (Or is she 19?)
    BRAVO!! Well Done!!

    Hey, and that picture of the waffles is to die for – now I’m gonna be obsessing all day.

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  5. Did Herbert have to have a lisp,
    now I am talking with one šŸ™‚ lmao
    This is brilliant Guap, I think this
    idea could catch on, and with all
    those believable characters you
    could add many more scenarios,
    of which I am sure will be equally
    as wicked as this surely is šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚

    Have a great rest of day Guap šŸ™‚

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    • I think Herbert was just a little over-eager about the piercings and tatoos, Gray.
      (I think tatooing his owb fce was probably a bad idea.)
      This was a one-off for NBi from a conversation on her site. but there may probably be other Playhouse presentations…

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  6. I am perfect for the role of Cordalla. I think you have captured my level of inactivity at its peak.

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  7. Bravo! I didn’t know Belgian’s were known for their piercings. I dated a Belgian for a while and as I recall nothing on him was punctured. šŸ™‚

    Very nice bit of writing, Guapo!

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  8. You are GENIOUS!!!
    Truely, I was in fact laughing out loud, and still am a bit. Thanks Guapo, thank you!
    Nice names as well! We have in fact names that sound less exotic, unfortunately. But you did a good job making these up. I’m SO glad you included the beer – that’s so important! I don’t know what gozette is though…?
    But anyways, that story is GREAT, and just so you know it: I got the piercing. Like, half an hour ago. I did it.
    OMG. I’m still high or something. But okay :). One last time: thank you for this story!!

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    • Whew!
      I’m really glad you got a kick out of it, NBI!
      Apparently gozette are turnovers, a specialty of Belgian bakers. (There was a lot of google involved in this one.)

      Congratulations on the piercing!

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  9. Brilliant! It has all the makings of a great drama: romance, jealousy, sexual tension, ennui, national pride, breakfast pastries… even lisping!

    And congratulations on the helix, NBI. I’ll bet it looks nice. (I had to click your link to find out what you meant by helix. I was picturing the funky Honda motor scooter from the ’80s.)

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    • Why thank you, Brian! Truly, the just-long-enough commute (and self imposed deadline) is perfect for the struggling writer.
      The only hard part was what parts of Belgiums’ fantasticness to leave out?
      (I chose Brussells.)

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    • Thank you so much, Brian! Even when it would look like total crap (which I think is not true), it would have been worth it just for this story :D.

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  10. My children might protest…but I think I may have to adopt you as one of my own.

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  11. I absolutely adore this! Your characters have so much character. Can I say that does that make sense?

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  12. It would appear people from Belgium are called either Flemish (for Flanders area-Dutch speaking) or Walloons (for the Wallonia area-French speaking). Hope this was helpful. Hard to find though!

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  13. I would pay to see this performed, but only if it is performed in a Belgian restaurant. Or an IHOP.

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  14. What are people called in Belgium? Belgians, mostly, though there are a lot who prefer to be called Flemish. No relation to the mucus of a similar name. :p
    You know, I can see this being filmed and becoming a HUGE cult movie. Though it’s easier to throw little slices of toast than chocolate-covered waffles at the screen! (Great Scott! šŸ˜€ )

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    • I would just like to see the cast reunion 20 years later, John. You know, after Coralla has gone on to Oscar fame, and Ervina and Ardralla are touring the bluegrass circuit.
      Oh, the stories!

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  15. Tell me Guap (I’m still wiping Belch tears away),

    Were any ovens hurt in the making of that waffle photograph?

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  16. I hope you plan to donate your brain to science some day. I would really like to know how that thing works.

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  17. Those waffles look absolutely scrumptious!!! but the piercings…
    šŸ˜†

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  18. It took me a while to get past that picture of the waffles. I had to clean up all the drool on my keyboard.
    There is a golden rule in don’t mix tattoos or piercings with beer or waffles. You must never break this rule.

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  19. Can I have the part of the waffle earring? I will pay top dollar.

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  20. My friend, I have to tell you, the significance of the piercings reminds me of Viggo Mortenson in that Russian gangster film, where he traces and identifies all his tattoos!

    My only rule: Never pierce anything on your face, because no one will look you in the eye. They’ll be staring at your “booger ring” or the jewel in your eyebrow or – actually saw this – the likeness of Justin Bieber on her neck. Man, wait til she finds out about HIM. Not enough lasers in the world!!

    Guapo, thanks also for stopping by my blog and commenting. Peace, Amy
    http://sharplittlepencil.com/2013/03/06/night-bus-nyc-3ww-real-toads/

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  21. As always, a highly entertaining post El šŸ™‚

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  22. Thanks so much, Hugger!

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  23. The play’s the thing where we’ll catch the clap. Or, king.

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  24. Great read! Thanks for the fun on a cold winter’s day in Colorado.

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  25. El Guapo!! Hahahaha!! I loved every word. Even Coralla saying yawn! Haha! Oh how I loved this and I am only half joking when I say it should be produced somewhere. I epecially loved : (She runs her hand across her face, fingering piercings as she speaks.) I wouldn’t mind getting a piercing of a little ring right by the edge of my eye so I could keep a little towel in it so that if I cried I could wipe my tears with it and then hang it back up on it’s little ring. I also wouldn’t mind a shoulder piercing!! šŸ˜€

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  26. Lol…how did I miss this one, Guap?? So funny….and I’m sure my dreams will now be filled with lisping, pierced, talking waffles!! Oh, and beer. Well done. šŸ™‚

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  27. You’ve done the unbelievable–you’ve managed to make Belgium interesting for just a few minutes.

    Did you know the famous detective Hercule Poirot is from Belgium? Yes, I’m aware that he’s a fictional character, but throw the Belgies a bone for goodness’ sake!

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  28. Wow! I’m surprised by the size of the cakes and the creams on top of it!!! I never dare to eat too much cream. They are too sweet for me and they worsen my pimples šŸ˜€

    Like

Ahem *best Ricky Ricardo voice* Babble-OOOoooo!!!

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